I've found myself addicted to many things that have hurt me spiritually, but with the help of an AMAZING God, a WONDERFUL husband, and a few good friends I am overcoming. I have what some people call an addictive personality, and I have heard it said that when one addiction is given up it can be quickly replaced with the next best thing that comes along...all I can say is I HOPE SO.
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Monday, April 21, 2008
A Fleece, a Miracle, and A TRULY KNOWABLE GOD.
3:19 PM by Christi Bowman
I just have to share, with my small corner of the world, what God did for me Friday night. I was working in my discipleship workbook, A Warrior's Journal, and that particular days study was about growing your faith. Seth suggested many different ideas to stretch yourself, and grow your faith. One of those ideas was to pray for a miracle. I was also reading in John, chapter 16. When I got to verses 23 & 24, of John chapter 16, I read this:
Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!
After reading those two particular ideas on the same day, I felt that God was calling me to pray some bold prayers, and I had some in mind. We need our house to sell QUICKLY, in a bad market, and we also need HUGE amounts of support to get our family to Africa. I have no problem believing that God can make these things happen for us, so I have no problem asking Him for them. The problem was Asking in Jesus's name, according to His will. I know that Kevin has received MANY signs from God, pointing our family in the direction of Africa. I have never asked for one so I have never seen one. Friday night I decided I needed one. I have relied on feelings and events up to now, but to pray the bold miraculous prayers God was asking me to pray, I needed a sign from God...making it clear that His absolute will was for our family to be in Africa.
I had all my study materials on my bed, and I had my laptop sitting there...with all my email up to date, and cleared. I told God that I really felt like He was leading me to pray with more boldness, and that I have some pretty miraculous needs, but before I could truly ask for them with true boldness, I needed to know if they were His will for our family. I asked Him for a sign. I asked that it come that evening, and before Kevin and I prayed together. I asked Him, to let my next email to come in be about Africa. I couldn't believe what I had just committed myself to knowing. I felt like what Kevin and I had been dreaming about, since February, really hung in the balance. I didn't know what it would mean if an email came in regarding anything but Africa. I just knew that God had been in my Bible study, and He was asking me to pray bold prayers, and I was honestly seeking His will so that I could pray the way He was leading me to.
After my little panic attack, I looked at my laptop screen, and an email had arrived. I looked at it, and it was from a friend, saying that they had been praying for us. I felt this HUGE surge inside of me. I QUICKLY emailed her back. I told her I had this HUGE fleece before God, and I NEEDED to know what she had been praying for us about. She quickly emails back...AFRICA. It was as if God Himself had come down, entered my little world, sat on my bed with me, and told me that my family and I were to go to Africa. At that moment, I felt like I could ask God for anything...and I did.
Strongholds Part Deux: Freedom From Anger = Forgiveness?
1:38 PM by Christi Bowman
I just want to praise Jesus over and over and over again!!!! I can't even begin to tell you the miracle He has performed in me since Tuesday night. I feel like I need to try and explain it the best I can, since I asked for your prayers.
People who don't struggle with anger are incredibly lucky, and they have no idea how crippling anger can be. I know first hand Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
I wouldn't want to scream. I wouldn't want to be so absorbed in what I was doing that I would get irritated at my kids. I wanted to want to help them, but no matter how I acted on the outside, I would seethe on the inside if they dared to ask me for most anything. I have tried SO hard to conquer this anger I struggle with. I have even prayed about it. Spewing mean angry words of frustration, felt good for the second, when I wanted to punish the irritants, but I always felt so inexplicably awful, almost as soon as the anger soaked words left my mouth. That is the GLARING flaw of Satan. He is NOT your friend...even when he has you where he wants you, even when your not a threat to him. When your not a threat, he treats you like garbage...like a slave. He gets you enslaved to bad behavior...to selfish behavior, and then he makes you hate yourself once you have participated in it. He hates you...no matter where you are in life. He hates you.
God, last Tuesday, really came through for me. He revealed to me through a Facebook conversation with a friend, that my anger was truly a heart problem. God told me a few things. Number one, He let me know that my anger was not going to be easily fixed by some outward behavior modifications, they only made me more resentful on the inside. I needed to admit that I was angry through and through, and not necessarily at my kids, they were just a convenient outlet. I needed to admit that this anger was a deep seated generational sin, and that it went much deeper than I even had the ability to comprehend. Number two, God brought my hatred of my Grandmother to mind, a HUGE participant in my family's generational sin of anger. I expressed a willingness to forgive her Tuesday night, and that has ALWAYS been unfathomable to me. I think that was a HUGE step in the right direction. Kevin has ALWAYS told me, that if I could ever be able to truly forgive my grandmother, he believed I would experience freedom from my anger. I could NEVER wrap my mind around that idea. What did forgiving a woman who never loved me, and seriously wronged me over and over have to do with anything? She didn't deserve forgiveness, and I have always, before Tuesday evening, wanted to hang on to my hatred of her. Thirdly, God told me I was going to have to lay my anger at His feet, EVERY TIME I felt it creeping up inside me...and He meant EVERY time. I told Him I would, but you have to understand that that meant I was going to have to come to Him ALL DAY LONG. Satan usually started in on me EARLY, and my anger would seriously start to build with Lane's first cry to get out of bed...especially if he woke up earlier than usual. He also told me I would even have to be MORE intentional about my "fake" outward behavior, and that when I started to feel resentful, that is when I needed to call on Him for a heart change.
I did these things. Tuesday night, I expressed a willingness to forgive my Grandmother, and Wed morning, when Lane started in on me, of course earlier than usual, I walked into his room, without making him cry for 30 min first (that was the being even more intentional about my outward behavior part). When I felt resentment towards Lane, I immediately cried out to God for deliverance, with a "you promised" attitude. And you know what...IT WORKED. I can promise you IT WORKED. After that my anger didn't have anything to build on, so it was easier to do things for Anna, because the resentment had not been allowed to establish itself for the day. I told Kevin, when he got home...that this day was MUCH easier for me than any other day with the kids had been. Now, the last couple of days have not been without flare ups, but I can only think of one, really, and that wasn't even aimed at the kids...it was a customer service rep. But even then, I can remember having to purposely choose to be angry. God told me that He could help me to not be angry in that instant, but I clearly told him..."NO, I deserve this one"...and I heard Him say "o.k."...and for about 30 minutes, I wreaked HAVOC in everyone's life. That has got to be the most beautiful thing about God, He does NOT force Himself on you. And I learned a lot from that 30 min. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what I allow myself to do in anger. The most amazing thing about this transformation, is, that when I let Him, God helps me EVERY WHERE I turn. And, I am getting so good at knowing His voice, in this. I can hear Him before I loose it, starting today. He says "you don't want to do this...it's not walking in the spirit (Gal 5 16-26)", and I am so thankful for that reminder. It has been a MAJOR breakthrough for me to not feel anger surge inside my heart and come tumbling out eventually.
The lesson I have learned from this is thatI don't just love Him, I have a SERIOUS need for Him on a second by second basis. I DESPERATELY need Him, and I have to INTENTIONALLY cling to Him. If I take my eyes of Him even for a second, I feel myself drowning in the ocean of anger. And the wonderful thing is, is that He just doesn't allow me to cling to Him, He wants me to. He really helps me, and He helps my heart be able to feel the things it truly wants to feel. I am NOT a slave to this anger any longer. It's indescribable to be free.
I am speechless that something written almost two thousand years ago describes the old me, and the new me, that I am becoming, so perfectly. I came across Galatians 5, verses 16-26 in The Message this evening, and here is what it says:
16-18My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?
19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time:repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
25-26Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
Before God revealed Himself to me, I was a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage. I lived frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness. I had MANY trinket gods. My religion always felt more like a show than anything authentic. I did have paranoid loneliness...that was one of the main reasons why I drank. I can relate to the cutthroat competition, that is where the running myself to death at the cost of everything, came into play. I definitely had all consuming yet never satisfied wants, and a brutal temper goes without saying. There are more up there that I related to. It is AMAZING that THIS WAS ME!! The most terrifying part to all of this, is that verse 21 says "If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit the Kingdom of God." This verse acknowledges the fact that there is freedom in Christ, but since you are free, you have the freedom to not walk in the Spirit...but if that is your choice, than it says you won't inherit the Kingdom of God. That is scary to me.
There is hope though, if you live Gods way, it says that He will bring gifts into your life...and I have been a recipient of these gifts. Where there was an "impotence to love or be loved, there are things like affection for others." For the first time, in a long time, I am liking people. I now have an exuberance for life. I can't wait to start another day, and try again at the things He is teaching me. I am experiencing serenity. I used to live in perpetual irritation, always needing answers before they were available. Right now there are SO many unanswered questions pertaining to Africa, and I am really at peace with Gods timing in revealing His answers to me. He has been faithful thus far. The rest of the God given gifts are up there, and I am experiencing all of them.
Verse 24 says Among all those who belong to Christ (THAT IS ME) everything connected with getting our own way, and MINDLESSLY RESPONDING TO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE CALLS NECESSITIES IS KILLED OFF FOR GOOD - CRUCIFIED. I know that this is a progressive work. However, it is amazing to me, that since God has become my God, this transition has taken place relatively quickly. In six months time I am no longer consumed with getting my own way, and the things indicative of that, above, have disappeared, save one; and even in that (the brutal temper) I have seen a HUGE heart change, since God revealed to me how to handle it.
The greatest perk, I must say, is that it is so very freeing to not mindlessly respond to what everyone else calls a necessity. Paul put that so beautifully. To truly be in Jesus, and not have to have what everyone else has is to me what really makes His yoke easy and His burden light. I don't need anything but Jesus, and I am a treasured princess no matter what I am wearing, no matter what my kids look like, no matter what neighborhood I live in, no matter what kind of house I own, and no matter what stuff I have in my house. None of these "necessities" matter, because for the first time in my life I feel valued...not for what I have, but for who I am...an overwhelmingly loved child of The Almighty God!!
Here is a GREAT video to give you an idea of what is going on in Swaziland, and what AIM, the mission organization we are involved with, is doing to bring Jesus to the plethora of needs over there. Thanks Elysa for doing the You Tube work...and putting it on your blog Musings from Graceland
I have been having some trouble the last few days. I have had an OVERWHELMING sense of incompetence...and feelings of sadness and defeat have accompanied it. I must confess I have not been experiencing Jesus in my everyday life as strongly as I have been. I have had to rely more on the promise that He is there, rather than His actual presence in my life. I have been dealing A LOT with anger, and it mostly shows up around my kids.
I have mentioned before that I am doing a discipleship study, created by Seth Barnes. It is called A Warrior's Journal. A question was asked after yesterday's reading...here it is:
What motivates your actions, do you serve God out of gratitude (a pure heart) or more out of a sense of obligation? On a 1-10 scale where would you be?
This question really got a hold of me, and put me right where I needed to be before God. The reason why I have not seen God in the midst of this problem, with me, is because I was serving Him, in this, out of a sense of obligation. I was trying to fix my anger issues on my own, by trying to behave the way I thought I should. I was trying to fix my actions on the outside, while inside I was reeling with anger. God couldn't work with that...I needed to admit, before God, that this was a heart problem.
So I just want to praise Jesus. He is INCREDIBLE...AWESOME...and He is HERE with me and there for me...ALWAYS. He showed up last night, in all His glory...and showed me that this anger that I struggle with is a stronghold, a generational sin that I was going to have to deal with in my heart...and pray fervently against. He said this anger wasn't going to be as easy to get rid of as the many other things He has recently weeded out of my life. He said this was going to take some time...and some intentionality. He also gave me a way out...a way to deal with it while He was gently weeding it out. He told me I could lay it all at His feet...every second of every day if I needed to.
I just want you guys to listen to another song by Lifehouse...called "Storm". I found it encouraging, as I struggled to reconnect with God. Please keep me in your prayers as I begin this journey to freedom from anger.
Sometimes a song says it all...and this one about sums me up tonight.
I'm finding my way back to sanity, again Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there Take a breath and hold on tight Spin around one more time And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say And even if you don't want to speak tonight That's alright, alright with me 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing Is where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows Of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify The voices in my head God, which one's you? Let me feel one more time What it feels like to feel And break these calluses off me One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say And even if you don't want to speak tonight That's alright, alright with me 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit Outside your door and listen to you breathing Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you Bet you're tired of me waiting For the scraps to fall Off your table to the ground I just want o be here now
So I have been reading, and thinking about faith today. In the past, when I have heard the verse, in Hebrews 11, "without faith it is impossible to please Him", I thought it only went as far as believing that Jesus died on the cross for me. That is where I thought faith ended. After today, I believe that it goes much farther than that. Believing that Jesus died on the cross for us is just the beginning...and I have been at the beginning of my faith for way to long.
I am beginning to see that faith is also about hearing the voice of God, and doing what He says...even if you think it sounds incredibly ridiculous. Eugene Peterson paints a pretty good picture of Noah's "stupidity" in The Message. Hebrew 11:7 says "By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land.". Did you catch that? Noah built a SHIP...IN THE MIDDLE OF DRY LAND. I don't know about you, but that sounds crazy to me, and it must have looked crazy to the people of Noah's day, and I wonder if Noah, at times, felt pretty stupid. The question I have asked myself is, Do I possess the ability to look stupid for God?
I am in the middle of a discipleship study, created by Seth Barnes, called A Warriors Journal. In it he says
"The logic we have is flawed both by our own sin and the sinful worldview around us, and besides that we are finite and limited creatures! God's thoughts are not our thoughts; His ways are not our own (Is. 55:8-9). "
This is the exact reason why we think that God's ideas are whacked. The other day, I could see that someone I was with was really hurting emotionally. I was in public with that person, and we aren't particularly close. In part because it is really hard to get her to open up. I was talking to some other friends, and she was just sitting there. I tried to draw her out by talking with her, but that wasn't working. She gave me one word answers, and that was it. Finally, I decided it was time for me to go, and I heard God tell me to hug her. I literally had a conversation with God in my head. First, I asked Him if I heard Him right. "You want me to hug her?" He said YES. I said "God, she didn't even want to talk to me." He said "I know". I said "what if she pushes me away, or acts like I have crossed some sort of boundary or something...what if I embarrass her?" He said "do it anyway...I want you to do it" I said "o.k.." I want you guys, my readers, to know...I fought against that hug with everything in me, but I couldn't get away from it...so I did it. It didn't make sense to me, but I did it. And she held on to me for a long time, and at the end she thanked me. I got to be Jesus, to my friend, for just a second, and we were both blessed. I was lucky enough to hear His voice that time, and discern that it was Him, and that hugging her was what He wanted me to do, but I wonder how many times I miss His voice. Seth, writes this of Paul,
"Paul would daily have to let go of the world's way of thinking and seek first the Kingdom by faith. And he'd have to value his own safety and security less than being a disciple of Jesus. In today's passage, we see that meant prison and hardships. He did it because he knew who God was. The Lord's voice was familiar enough to Paul that he could recognize it; from there obedience was nonnegotiable. The Spirit didn't give Paul much to go on, but it was enough to compel him. Not knowing what lay ahead (other than that it was not going to be pleasant), he had to trust God."
So, where I believe I am at in all this is, I desperately love God, and I trust Him completely. I know that when I am able to discern His voice, obeying Him will be nonnegotiable. I must confess though, that I am very new at hearing His voice, and I am not always able to discern it. I think He gives us small things to do, like hugs, to see if we will be faithful...so that He can give us big things like ships on dry land. I don't want to miss out on the hugs. I want to be trusted with the ships. For now I will have to, like Paul, "DAILY let go of the world's way of thinking, and seek first the Kingdom by faith." Hebrews 11:6 (MSG) says
"It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe BOTH that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him."
Will I be able to build a ship in the middle of dry land while everyone stands around and mocks me? I don't know. What I do know is that I must also have faith that He responds to those who seek Him. I will seek Him in this, and trust Him to be faithful...because in Africa, he asks you to build ships.
Because of Jesus, we CAN have the relationship Adam had, in the garden, with God, BEFORE sin, TODAY!! God WANTS us DESPERATELY to realize this. You have been bought and paid for...He sees YOU as perfection...because of Jesus. Jesus literally and figuratively covers you. He loves YOU...and wants to take nightly walks with you. He wants to converse with YOU all day long. Do you let Him? He stands at the door and knocks...FOR YOU, CHRISTIANS. Your life doesn't have to be meaningless...hopeless...sad. It doesn't have to be about the endless unquenchable thirst for self. We as a church have failed. We don't convey this. Jesus didn't die, so that you would have abundant life when you physically die. He wants you to spiritually die...die to your sin...so that you can hear Him...and walk with Him...EVERYDAY...in His garden. That's what abundant life is. That is what YOU were created to do. You have got to believe that.
I am here to testify that I had everything I ever wanted, where the world is concerned, and even I knew I was missing something...I was missing EVERYTHING. Dying to your sin is a process...a journey...and He knows this. Commit to Him, that dying is what you TRULY wish to do...and He will speak to you. Tell Him you want nothing but Him, and that you have noticed the meaninglessness in your life without Him. Tell Him...and you will notice Him right there, where He has always been...right by your side. He talks to you...He wants you to hear Him. I can't get you there...but I can tell you He IS there...waiting to take the weight off your back, and walk with YOU in the garden.
I came acrossthis Psalm this morning...and it spoke volumes to my heart!! What a blessing if the Lord reveals Himself to us early in life...then and only then will our lives have PURPOSE. I can testify to walking around with no purpose...no hope...and I was empty. He rocked my world!! It was a process...but now everything I ever did before, save my children, seems meaningless. And my children have become even MORE important.
14 Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy, That we may rejoice and be glad all our days!
17 And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, And establish the work of our hands for us; Yes, establish the work of our hands.
Father, reveal YOURSELF to us early in life. Only in knowing who YOU really are will we have any purpose. And, no matter where you lead us to, no matter what the circumstances...we will count ourselves rich and blessed, because we have YOU.
Let others see YOU all over me. Make it VERY clear to me what YOU would have me do for YOUR Kingdom, Father, and bless it...and make it good.
"Being saved and seeing Jesus are not the same thing. Many people who have never seen Jesus have received and share in God’s grace.But once you have seen Him, you can never be the same. Other things will not have the appeal they did before.
You should always recognize the difference between what you see Jesus to be and what He has done for you. If you see only what He has done for you, your God is not big enough. But if you have had a vision, seeing Jesus as He really is, experiences can come and go, yet you will endure "as seeing Him who is invisible" ( Hebrews 11:27 ). The man who was blind from birth did not know who Jesus was until Christ appeared and revealed Himself to him (see John 9 ). Jesus appears to those for whom He has done something, but we cannot order or predict when He will come. He may appear suddenly, at any turn. Then you can exclaim, "Now I see Him!" (see John 9:25 ).
Jesus must appear to you and to your friend individually; no one can see Jesus with your eyes. And division takes place when one has seen Him and the other has not. You cannot bring your friend to the point of seeing; God must do it. Have you seen Jesus? If so, you will want others to see Him too. "And they went and told it to the rest, but they did not believe them either" ( Mark 16:13 ). When you see Him, you must tell, even if they don’t believe.
O could I tell, you surely would believe it! O could I only say what I have seen! How should I tell or how can you receive it, How, till He bringeth you where I have been?"
I was listening to a sermon delivered by Andrew Shearman entitled "Hell No". In it he states that "the more he becomes like Christ the more Andrew he becomes." In other words the more that I become like Christ the more TRULY Christi I become. This struck a HUGE chord with me. Since I have had my blinders removed, I have had GREAT remorse for the YEARS I have lost. I have felt like I have been reconnected with myself as a little girl, and all the years in between, then and now, I have not been true to the true me at all. I used to say that those years and those mistakes made me who I am...and so I was o.k. with what I had done. I don't believe this anymore. I was who I was created to be...who I am now, as a little girl. When I was little I felt God, I heard God, I LOVED God...I KNEW GOD. Not because I was "saved" at a young age by a sinners prayer or baptized before the age of accountability, I just remember feeling a STRONG sense of God at a very young age. Since the blinders have come off, I have renewed passion...I say renewed, and not new...because this passion is familiar to me...and the reason it is familiar is because I KNOW I have had it before...this CLEAR vision...I felt it when I was a child.
Jesus says unless you become like a little child you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. In light of the paragraph above this makes perfect sense to me now. The age of accountability does too. I believe that although we are born with a fallen nature, we are innocent before God until we realize we are sinners. I think God does an awful lot of calling, pulling, and speaking into little children. I have witnessed this in Ella. She is not even 7, and she has told us a countless number of times that she feels God...and is ready for God. I am going to test this out when I get home. I am going to intentionally practice listening prayer with my little girl. I am going to sit down with her, and we are going to ask God some questions together, and I am going to sit with her for a while and ask her to listen to what God is telling her. I believe I will hear some AMAZING things through her. I believe God uses this time to pull people to Him...because He knows what we are going to encounter. He knows sin is going to take us FAR away from Him...and He wants to leave a pathway back. I think, without knowing it, that is why we, as a society, view crimes against children as so heinous...and these atrocities are committed against orphans EVERYDAY. It pushes children out of their innocence, before God, to early...maybe before they establish this pathway with God. Never is it to late, but it makes the journey SO much harder for them. I am also thinking about the orphans here too. It is the church's responsibility to protect these children, and we aren't doing a good job. There are thousands of children who have there innocence stolen EVERYDAY. How will they ever connect to God through child likeness if they never get to experience childhood? I now see my parenting role with a much greater responsibility. My Children were born depraved, and with God's grace they will reach the age of accountability, and they will be sinners and in need of God's grace. However, if I can, as their parent, speak life into them during their period of innocence, and then keep reminding them of the pathway they have established with their maker, maybe they won't experience the pain I am about to talk about, and their journey to empowerment, through the Holy Spirit, won't be so difficult...like mine was.
I think that God CONSTANTLY uses pain to redeem our innocent child within us, and bring us back to Him...whether we are believers or non believers. If you are a non believer God uses pain to call you to Himself, and if you are a believer God uses pain to remove your blinders, and EMPOWER you. Sin causes pain. Pain can also be caused by life circumstances, or God forcing you in a direction you don't wish to go. Satan, through sin, causes the pain that God wants to use to redeem you. I think this is where free will comes in. We can choose as believers and non believers to rage against God, and shake our fist at Him. I believe a little of this is o.k., but I do believe that the longer you do it, the longer the process takes. I also think that if you get mad at God and quit letting God take you through whatever pain you are facing, if you do not choose dependence on God, you give Satan a stronghold in your life, and you allow him to start telling you lies. That is where I think addictions start. If you self soothe your pain, and rely on yourself to ease your suffering, whatever you use to get you through, becomes an addiction, a stronghold, a lie of Satan. When you rely on something else to get you through pain, then you convince yourself that that thing...whatever it was...that brought you happiness is what you need more than God. And next time it becomes so much easier to depend on that item. I believe that is why I had SO many addictions/strongholds in my life. Each time I experienced pain I self soothed. At first, when the pain started...I raged at God...and when He didn't come through, I didn't trust Him, or depend on Him, I made myself feel better with a shopping trip...or angry music...once Satan had me with those, he got me using drugs, sex, alcohol...whatever it took to get me deeper in bondage. I think whatever you use, no matter what it is...they are all just as bad as anyone else's self soother...because everything that you rely on more than God to bring you happiness is a LIE. To God it all looks the same...and it renders us all incapable of TRULY being about our Father's business.
In conclusion...if we want to be EMPOWERED by the Holy Spirit...CHURCH, if we TRULY want to be effective...then I believe we have GOT to understand pain and the role it plays in our relationship with our FATHER. We all have pain. If you don't feel empowered...but you don't feel like you have any pain...ask God to reveal it to you...and take you through it. We ALL have baggage...no matter who we are. We have got to bring it out into the open...out into the light...and trust God to get us through it. We have got to stop raging...we have GOT to start trusting...we have got to start depending on God to take us through. I am here to testify...that once He takes us through the pain...once we trust Him to get us there...once we stop self soothing there is freedom on the other side...EMPOWERMENT...TRUE GREATNESS in Christ. If Christ...being the ultimate example...took on pain...our pain...and trusted God to get Him through it...EVEN UNTO DEATH...then why do we think we don't have pain? We all have our pain too. It happened once to Christ...but it keeps happening to us. We have to die to ourselves everyday...let go of our pain...and let God happen. I think God keeps allowing pain into our lives to refine us. We get the opportunity to be more like Jesus every time we trust God with our pain. And if being more like Jesus, makes us more like who we were always intended to be...then we will know TRUE happiness...true fulfillment...and then we will be FREE. Free to enter into other people's pain...and help them find freedom...and isn't that what it is all about.
What are YOU addicted to? If you are not being TRANSFORMED DAILY by the LOVE of GOD, then what are you addicted to? It is ALL addiction...and it is ALL Satan...and it is ALL lies. and that is why sin is sin to God...from the prisoner...to the preacher. The POWER of the LOVE of God...IN Christ Jesus can cure us ALL. He died so that we may have life...and have life ABUNDANTLY...NOT when we die...BUT NOW!! If we are NOT living with ABUNDANT life NOW...then He died for no reason. Why are we living NOW without His power...why are we waiting to die to receive His promises? I am NOT talking crazy!! I have lived too long without abundant life...and now I have it...now I get it. I WANT IT FOR EVERYBODY!! I am NOT powerless over pain or addiction or abuse or bitterness or anger, or loneliness, or abandonment, or food, or drugs or money, or clothes, or boys, or girls, or sex, or cars or ANYTHING ELSE. WHAT IS IT FOR YOU? If you are not ALIVE...then it is SOMETHING!!! What would you rather have more than God? What do you trust more than God to make you happy? What or who do you depend on more than God? Whatever it is...IT'S A LIE...and it's destroying YOU.
We as Christians are USELESS...we think we have God already...and we DON'T...not really...not until He TRANSFORMS us, and we understand that He loves us, and we are just as bad. We need Him too...DESPERATELY...EVERY DAY. We need Him to reveal Himself to us EVERYDAY. We have to take Him with us EVERYDAY. We are the walking dead if we don't get this...not because He is angry at us, but because we are missing out on EMPOWERMENT, and on truly helping people. If we are NOT living with empowerment...if God has not transformed us then what do we have to offer? We have NOTHING. HE IS NOT ANGRY WITH US...but He wants us to get it. He is DESPERATE for us to get it...SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH PAIN...The pain that living in a world of sin causes...don't fool yourself (one of Satan's biggest lies)...the world you live in has it's effects on you...no matter who you are. You have to fight against it everyday or you will be sucked in...some of us won't realize it...and others do they just don't know what it is...and it's PAIN. Either your oblivious or you are in pain...but both are just as bad.
Please be asking me how are we TRANSFORMED? Do you want to know how I did it...or how He did it through me? I HEARD Him...YES I DID. and YOU can to. LISTEN TO HIM!! He wants to talk to YOU...He loves you...and HE is NOT ANGRY. Recognize YOU have a problem...we all do...and start looking for something...He will be there...and then read your Bible. HE DOES SPEAK THROUGH IT...IT IS ALIVE...AND I AM NOT CRAZY. If you guys don't believe me I can show you a method that works...I promise...and I will help you get it...I PROMISE. HE LOVES YOU...he REALLY does...that is what He wants me to tell you...HE LOVES YOU...and He doesn't want you to hurt anymore. Your pain makes you ineffective...and you don't have to put up with it...YOU DON'T!!!
I am praying for all of us...that we get this...and that we walk in it...EVERYDAY...it is only then that we will defeat ourselves...die...and truly be reborn. God has called me to intercessory prayer. There are people He has laid on my heart...but I KNOW there are several more out there that I can pray for...and intercessory prayer WORKS as well. If you want to be transformed...if you want to hear God, but don't know how...leave me a comment...or send me an email...and I will pray for you...pray that God will reveal Himself to you...I KNOW He will do it. I will commit to make a list...with YOUR name on it...and I will pray to God on your behalf...every night...and sometimes more. He will answer me!! Have faith in that. BELIEVE THAT. I just ask that you let me know when He does so that my faith will be strengthened as well.
So I LOVE this Psalm...I looked it up in the Message, because I just LOVE Eugene Peterson's insight.
I think verses 1 & 2 are GREAT for people who are presently existing in A LOT of pain. I would have REALLY identified with being ignored by God "long enough" while I was still in Nashville a week ago. Verses 5 & 6 speak VOLUMES of how I feel toward God right now. I really do feel rescued. I no longer have to listen to the lies of Satan. I have been TRULY rescued from my addictions, and rescued from my pain.
Psalm 13
A David Psalm
1-2 Long enough, God you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.
3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God; I want to look life in the eye, So no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.
5-6 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms I'm celebrating your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.
God KNOWS what He is doing...and He does rescue us...IF we let Him. I believe we have a part to play as well. He is calling ALL of us...but we have to hear it...we have to want it...and we have to act. We have to step aside and allow Him to heal us. The healing is painful as we let go of the lies we have believed for so long...but we have to push through...because there is SO MUCH FREEDOM awaiting us at the end...as we become the EMPOWERED TRANSFORMED people we were ALWAYS meant to be IN CHRIST.
The Lord is my Shepherd; He is all I need. He allows me to rest; He brings me peace. He has given me freedom from ALL my addictions, so that He may be glorified.
Even though I must be in a relationship with my parents, they no longer have power over me. You walk beside me. Trusting You to bring me through pain, so that I might grow comforts me.
You will meet my emotional needs when I am in my parents presence. You will heal me from the wounds they have inflicted. I have been abundantly blessed by your love, and will continue to be abundantly blessed by You for the rest of my life. And I will live in Your house FOREVER!!!
