Monday, June 30, 2008

walking through pain with beauty

9:34 AM by Christi Bowman

I am towards the end of this healing process that I wrote about in the last post. I had layers and layers of brokenness that Jesus had to peal through. He started by exposing the sin I had committed, my outward sin. Sin, that a lot of well meaning church people would cower before. He did it in a pretty public way, and He had me as a willing participant. It is dangerous to walk away from someone with exposed sin. Where ever there is exposed sin God is at work. We, as the body of Christ should never turn our backs on a person with exposed sin. It is at that very time that we are called to be healing agents. Jesus's hands and feet. Right now I can't help but think of Africa. Right now it's sins are being laid bare...exposed for all to see...the whole world to see. Seth Barnes writes about sin's consequences in Africa on his latest blog. God is at work in Africa. He is bringing things into the light. We can not cower. We have to love the people in Africa in the same way that Kevin, and Suzie, and Chris, and Patsy, and John, and Angela, Molly and Rob, and Edna and Bill, and Larry (AIM) have loved me.

Once God worked on my sin, and freed me from it, He began the process of working on the sin committed against me. This has been hard and beautiful at the same time...and it started last Wed night when a counselor from AIM, Larry, called to talk about some test results. That night will go down in history as one of the most amazing nights of my life (sorry Kevin). Since that night, almost a week ago, God has brought me to some amazing places. He has walked me through some pretty painful places but He has walked me through them, and His presence has made them beautiful. I love Jesus with every ounce of my being. What He can do for a person is indescribable.

God has let me know that He has one more thing to walk me through...and that is bringing the sin against me to light...and like the sins I committed, He is using me to do it. I am asking for your prayers as I do this one last thing...and once it is over I will do no less than I have done in the past. I will allow you to walk my journey with me. I am doing this because I believe that there are SO many people hurting and being hurt. They don't know how to face their demons, and because of that they are enslaved. They don't understand that God has to heal them from the things they cling too before He can bring them through the pain that caused them to cling in the first place. You have to feel pain there is no other way around it...but Jesus walks you through the pain. He redeems it and makes it beautiful. I am living in the wide open spaces of freedom that Paul talks about...and it is a beautiful place. I want to show others like me that it is possible for them too. With Jesus, life doesn't have to be a struggle.

4 comments - Permalink -

Facing Pain.

12:52 AM by Christi Bowman

I am doing what I LOVE to do this week...spending some time with teens. I am at Harding University for the first time ever. Harding has a pretty campus, and uplift is REALLY fun. The week after next I am going to Rockford Christian Camp (RCC), a more outdoorsy camp. I am afraid that Uplift will have spoiled me. Kevin calls Uplift "sissy" camp. I am liking "sissy" camp!!

Today I went to a class called forgiveness. I actually went twice...oops. I am SO lost without Kevin. He takes care of me! The teacher began his class by focusing on II Samuel 12. Nathan is exposing David's sin. It was not all that long ago that my sins were exposed, and I have experienced an amazing healing. So, as I sat there listening to the teacher I was able to identify with David. As the teacher read the story, out loud, I felt a relief for the man after God's own heart. We all have a sin problem. We sin because we are broken. God wants to heal us. God wanted David healed. As I sat there thinking of this I was reminded of Romans 7. I have struggled understanding this passage about the law. I have struggled understanding the law. In essence Romans 7 says that without the law, God's people would never have known sin. The law is what called sin, sin.

Romans 7:7, 10, 13

7Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law.

10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.

13 But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Sitting there, identifying with David, I was able to understand some scripture that I have struggled over. Because of my legalistic upbringing, sometimes, without even knowing it, I bring a set of "God is mean" glasses to study the Bible through. I had used those on Romans 7. I had come to the conclusion that God had something to prove to the Israelites. He forced the law on them to torture them.

Now I see that the law was a gift that God gave His people. God wanted to expose the sin of the Israelites, through the law, so that they would know exactly what they were dealing with. God gave them a mirror to look into so they could see themselves for who they were...so that they could begin to heal. God wanted to heal them. While the other nations were lost in the darkness of their undefined sin, Israel could walk in the light and be justified by God. The law was God's grace to the Israelites...but they kept running for cover. They hid behind it and not in it. They used it as a judgment for others. They refused to see themselves in it. By throwing stones at others they condemned themselves.

We hide our weaknesses too. Sin is not limited to the things you do. You can also suffer under the sins people commit against you as well. We hide the hurt of consequence and exposure by cutting others down...we hide them by numbing the pain of consequence with addictions...things that make us feel good. Sometimes we can even hide behind silence. There are all sorts of things to hide sin behind. God wants to expose the sin in our lives whether it is the sins we have committed, the sins others have committed against us, or both. He wants us to embrace painful exposure not run from it. If we embrace it and stop running from it we will find Him in it...and He will begin the healing process.

(More on this soon)

0 comments - Permalink -

 

Monday, June 23, 2008

God Went Looking For Me In Church.

3:23 PM by Christi Bowman

I am getting Baptized tonight at West Chicago COC.

I lived in a home with parents that professed Jesus as their Saviour. I grew up going to church every time the doors were open. I have NEVER questioned the existence of God, and I have always believed that Jesus died on the Cross for my sins, although, to be honest, I never understood what that meant until now. It seems like I have been chasing the meaning of salvation my whole life. Salvation is something I have always wanted to experience, and always wanted to understand but I have struggled. Salvation was expected of me, and at a young age I prayed the prayer. I loved God, and I knew that I was a sinner. I did not understand how the cross worked, how Jesus's death saved me, but I believed that it did.

Life has always been hard for me. Making right decisions has always been hard. I have felt for a long time that I was "born to be bad". No matter how much I believed in the existence of God or Jesus's death on the cross, sin still reigned in me. I couldn't shake it. I still desired to be bad more than I desired to be good. I felt bad about that. I fought that as best I could, and I made the decisions I knew I should most of the time, but it was hard to make the right decisions...right decision making did not come easy for me. I would always make little itty bitty wrong decisions, and they would always blow up into HUGE moral failures...I could not, on my own, remain in God. I was not aware that I was trying to remain in God on my own, I just thought the Christian walk was always a struggle...but since I have been reading the Bible I have seen where that is not the case.

The Christian life is one of freedom and joy not constant struggle and disappointment. I am NOT saying that life as a Christian is a joy ride or a walk in the park, but what I read of Christianity, is that even during times of struggle, people who are in Christ are joy filled. I didn't even live a life of hardship and I wasn't joy filled. I was NEVER joy filled, and the only time I did experience any type of joy was when I was participating in things that I shouldn't be participating in.

Then in October of 2007 God said to me...very audibly..."I can't use you like this", and my world was turned upside down. Since October of 2007 God has been doing absolutely amazing things in my life...changing me, renewing me, speaking to me. I have never been so in love with God. For the first time I can honestly say it is because of nothing I have done. I didn't come to Him. It wasn't because I grew up in a Christian home, it wasn't because I had faith handed to me on a silver platter. He came to me at the worst possible time in my life. I was the biggest Pharisee and hypocrite. I was addicted to pretty much everything. My life was a mess. I was literally helpless. I was at the end of my rope. My parents couldn't save me. My friends couldn't save me. My husband couldn't save me. My children couldn't save me. My church couldn't save me. Nothing worked for me. I couldn't even save myself. I was poor and pitiable and naked. At that most awful moment He came to me and whispered in my ear. I was out of options and that is when I heard God. He chose me a long time ago...but He knew it would be like this...when I had nothing left. Not when I was looking for Him, but when He found me. He went looking for me. I was the lost coin. I was the lost sheep.

John 6:44 You're not in charge here. The Father who sent me is in charge. He draws people to me, that's the only way you'll ever come.

Romans 11:32-36 In one way or another, God makes sure that we all experience what it means to be outside so that he can personally open the door and welcome us back in. Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.

Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?

Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.

3 comments - Permalink -

 

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

You CAN be free through and through (3)

10:16 PM by Christi Bowman

I stopped last night after talking a bit about how God QUICKLY convinced me that He loved me DEEPLY. What some people never get, God downloaded into me in seconds with one verse Genesis 1:2. I believe God supernaturally explained His deep deep love for me, to my spirit, quickly, on the first night of my Bible study, to get me to a place where I trusted Him completely so that He could tell me, on the second night, to NEVER drink again. I tell this story in more depth on my first blog post ever, The Bible IS Alive.

During my Bible study, on the second night, I came to Genesis 3:3 and it reads:

but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "

I sat there stunned. I had NEVER noticed the words "touch it". Right there, with that very verse God told me to quit messing around with alcohol or I would die. I knew I wasn't supposed to "eat fruit from that tree", but God was telling me to STOP touching it. STOP dabbling in it. STOP drinking it every now and then. STOP desiring it or I would die. I wrote my first blog post on March 3, 2008. That night, I knew I would never drink again, but I hadn't yet comprehended what He had done for me...and when. He set me FREE. He literally took the desire to drink away from me. He had taken it away a long time ago. I just had to accept that. Jesus took on my drinking for me, because Jesus could conquer it...and He did...on the cross. Before there was time, He knew He would be taking on my drinking, and so many more addictions of mine...and so He hovered...and created anyway...If that's not love I don't know what is.

He hovered for each and every one of us before there was time (PS 139)...and by His wounds we are ALL healed (Is 53:5) right now...TODAY...all you have to do is believe it and accept it. It was finished a long time ago.

Looking back I can't believe how arrogant I ever was to believe that the Bible had nothing to offer me. God, through His Word (Jesus & the Bible), has changed my life and continues to do so EVERYDAY.

Hebrews 4:12-13 (MSG) God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon's scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God's Word. We can't get away from it...no matter what.

0 comments - Permalink -

You CAN be free through and through (cont)

8:15 PM by Christi Bowman

I left off last night with God telling me to read my Bible.

Ugh...I thought...what a chore. I TRIED to do it a couple of times. One time I asked Kevin what book he would suggest IF I were to start reading the Bible. He said John. I TRIED to read John, but just couldn't take anything from it. It was like words on a page...same as always. I kept hearing a voice in my head "read the Bible". I was frustrated...I had tried. One night Kev was reading in James to the kids. It sounded interesting, and James is what Kevin uses whenever he talks about serving anyone. I thought I would go lay on our bed and try James. Nothing. I kept having to re focus and re read. I was SO frustrated! It just confirmed everything I had ever felt about the Bible. It wasn't for me. I couldn't get anything out of it.

Then one night in March, out of the blue, our kids asked Kevin and I to take them to Promise Land. The kid service at Willow Creek Community Church. We had not taken them in at least a year. It was a strange request, but we enjoyed going to Willow Creek, so we honored it. We got them settled in their perspective classes, and we went into the main auditorium. Willow Creek had brought in a Pastor from Hawaii, Wayne Cordeiro, and they had brought him in to teach his methodology on Bible reading. My first inclination was to be offended, and refuse to listen. He was a good speaker though, and he eventually won me over. I listened. Pastor Cordeiro introduced his Life Journal and explained the process. At the end Pastor Cordeiro gave away free life journals and I was HAPPY to take one.

One of my biggest problems with the Bible is that it seemed like it had A LOT of information clumped together, and if all of it was good, where on earth do you start? The Life Journal fixed this problem for me...it had a guide in the beginning. God has since taken me off of the guide, and is leading me through the Bible Himself, but He did use Pastor Wayne Cordeiro's Life Journal and study guide to jump start me, and show me a thing or two about my misconceptions.

The first thing God did when I started reading the Bible was confirm His love for me, and He did this via a verse in Genesis. On my first night of committed Bible reading I read Genesis 1:2b and got teary eyed.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

This is EXACTLY what I mean when I say the Bible is alive. This verse might not do a thing for you...and that is o.k., but that night, to me, to notice that God hovered over the earth, before He created it...was absolutely amazing. I have always struggled with deism. I have always had this nagging opinion that God got bored one day, created all of this, and now sits up in heaven and laughs at us as we try and make sense of it. I wouldn't have said that out loud to anyone...but at my worst I believed it. Genesis 1:2 changed my whole outlook. I can't explain it. I don't expect others to get all emotional over the word hover, but God spoke something into my spirit that night about how seriously He took His creation...I was deeply in love with Him after that...just one verse.

I believe He showed me how much He loved His creation (me) the first night to get me to trust Him, and to prepare my heart for what He would tell me the second night.

(Cont. tomorrow)

2 comments - Permalink -

You CAN be free through and through

7:07 PM by Christi Bowman

John 8:36 (MSG) So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through.

I LOVE this verse. It is my FAVORITE verse...my life verse. I am listening to a teaching series delivered by Pastor Andrew Wommack. And in this particular series, Effortless Change, he talks a lot about knowing the promises of God, and claiming them. I claim this promise in John 8:36. Jesus set me free and now I am free through and through!

Several months ago (October 2007), I was a wreck. I hit rock bottom. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not possibly save myself...and I was ready for something different. In stepped God, and my life has been radically changed. It didn't happen over night. It has been a journey...but a journey filled with one exciting turn after another. He freed me from ALL of my addictions...and I am literally free through and through. One of my addictions was alcohol. Yes, I am an alcoholic. I have not had a drink in over 3 months. Unlike most recovering alcoholics, I don't struggle with the need for a drink. I don't have to tell myself no every day or several times a day. It is a non issue. I don't even think about alcohol.

It hasn't always been this way. In December of 2007, Kevin, my husband, told me I was done with alcohol...and I was scared to death. I had made some pretty bad choices concerning alcohol, and had obviously become very dependent on it. I wanted to stop drinking. I knew it was hurting my family, but it wasn't easy. I liked alcohol. I liked who I was when I was drinking...and I had never liked myself before. It made me confident and carefree...emotions I knew nothing about. Giving that up was hard...and scary. I couldn't do it. On my best day I wanted to stop...I loved my family and didn't want to hurt them. Still, I liked who I was when I was drinking...and self confidence is addicting.

I didn't drink as much after December of 2007, and I stopped hiding it. Still I couldn't stop completely...and a lot of the times I would manipulate Kevin into letting me enjoy drinking occasionally...especially in social situations where drinking was aloud. I could NOT social drink. I would ALWAYS be the one who ended up getting drunk. I learned a lot about my drinking during this time. I watched other people I was drinking with, and realized that they could stop at one or two. I saw that MOST people considered one drink plenty. That concept was so foreign to me, but I did take notice of it. I also took notice that satan was really starting to use my drinking against me. During this time, when I had to much to drink, I would get really down on myself, I would see all my faults, and see my self as unforgivable.

During those three months, December through March, I also heard God tell me over and over to read my Bible. I was disgusted with that. I have always seen the Bible as a hard read, and just really irrelevant to my life. I grew up going to a Christian private school, and going to church every time the doors were open. I knew every story there was to know...even the ones people would call obscure like Eglon. I could find any passage quicker than most people. I didn't think there was anything left to learn. I didn't yet subscribe to the Bible being alive.

(cont. tomorrow)

0 comments - Permalink -

 

Monday, June 16, 2008

Freedom

11:54 PM by Christi Bowman

I was reading in Luke last night, and came to Luke 12. I took special note of verses 27-32 (NIV):

0 comments - Permalink -

 

Monday, June 9, 2008

Live in My Love

12:30 AM by Christi Bowman

A few verses in John 15 have grabbed my attention lately. As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I get to know Him better...I get to know the tactics He uses on me when there is a concept He needs me to grasp. He shows it to me in the Bible, and He blows my mind with it. By that I mean I read it, and KNOW that it is saying something HUGE, but I can't quite wrap my head around it. After that moment, He keeps bringing me back to that concept, and I mull it over, and pray for a better understanding of it. I usually go back and read it several times, and it is during one of those times that I get it...so here it goes...I am going to try and get it out.

In John 15 He says the same phrase 3 different times. Verse 4 says

Remain in me and I will remain in you...

Verse 5 says

If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Verse 9 says

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.

It sounds so nice to remain in Jesus' love doesn't it, but how? Verse 10 answers how:

If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done, kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.

What are His commands? Verse 12:

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

I was immediately pulled towards I Corinthians 13, since that chapter in the Bible is the very definition of love, and John 4:8 says "God is love." Here is what I found in I Corinthians 13:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

This is how Jesus loves us...we are familiar with this kind of love...or are we? I have been listening to a lot of sermons delivered by Pastor Andrew Wommack, and one of my favorite points is "you can't give away what you don't have." We have first got to recognize and accept that this is exactly how Jesus loves us, before we can love others. If you do not feel this loved by God, than you do not have a right view of God...and you will do damage to your spiritual life, and waste precious time...like I did. Go back up, and read I Corinthians 13 again. Write down an example, next to each definition, of how God has made that type of love available to you. If that doesn't work for you...if you don't have examples, than pray and ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and how much He loves you. He wants to reveal Himself to you more than you want Him to reveal Himself, but God won't force Himself on you. The good news is God knows you better than you know yourself, and He knows when you are ready. If He has not revealed Himself to you yet, pray for your own readiness. Tell Him you want to be ready. Trust Him. Oswald Chambers latest post on My Utmost for His Highest also offers beautiful insight on this asking process.

The most powerful verses of the evening, to me, were verses 16 & 17:

"You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another.

There is NO way, that we can love other people in this super natural way on our own. To try would be futile, and works based...it would frustrate you on the first attempt. You would burn out...and say "see God this isn't for me." I know because I have been there. I think this concept is cyclical. He takes up residence in us, so that we might live in Him...and He in us. We are a team...our body His Spirit...and He loves through us. Through this partnership we become so like Christ that we can approach the Father, and with Christ's Spirit, ask for anything in love, and God will give it to you.

WOW...we have the potential to have the power of Almighty God at our finger tips...and as I have just recently heard Andrew Shearman say..."the first requirement is to show up, and the second requirement is to give up." God will show you what real love is, and then He will love others through you. All you have to do is show up, and continue to give up. It is through our weakness that His power is made obvious.

2 comments - Permalink -

 

Sunday, June 1, 2008

God Wants You to Hear His Voice.

1:57 PM by Christi Bowman

Matthew 23-8-10 (msg) You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do.

Kevin and I were talking about 3 types of grace last night...beckoning grace, saving grace, and sanctifying grace. Did you know that we don't even posses the ability to come to God on our own? If we see Christ for who He is, it is because God allows us to (John 6:43-46 msg).

Jesus said,..."You're not in charge here. The Father who sent me is in charge. He draws people to me, that's the only way you'll ever come. Only then do I do my work, putting people together, setting them on their feet, ready for the End. This is what the prophets meant when they wrote, 'And then they will all be personally taught by God.' Anyone who has spent any time at all listening to the Father, really listening and therefore learning, comes to me to be taught personally, to see it with his own eyes, hear it with his own ears, from me, since I have it firsthand from the Father. No one has seen the Father except the One who has his Being alongside the Father—and you can see me.

If you receive beckoning grace, you move to saving grace. Saving grace is accepting Christ as your personal savior. I think this is the only grace we teach, we begin at saving grace, and we end there. God has SO much more for us. Sanctifying grace is receiving God's teaching, and allowing it to change your life. We have free will. At any point in this process we can choose to turn a blind eye, pursue earthly things (satan's kingdom), and halt the process. If we halt it in the beginning we die an eternal death. If we halt it at a later point we miss out on an abundant life with our Father.

God speaks to us in many ways. A few are people, the Bible, and Himself personally. God came to me back in October and said in a very audible voice from within..."I can't use you like this". When Almighty God spoke to me, I was already at a place where I recognized that NOTHING I pursued was bringing me REAL happiness. He had let me pursue it ALL. It was almost as if He knew I had to prove that to myself. I was pursuing satan's kingdom, and I couldn't even see it for what it was. Don't waste the time I did trying to make yourself happy. YOU CAN'T DO IT. THINGS, no matter what they are...possessions...addictions...sports...jobs...success...they CAN'T make you happy. They are LIES!

AIM, the mission organization we are getting involved with, believes heavily in discipling. Discipling is when someone takes you under their wing, and challenges you to come up higher as you study God's word. God will put the right discipler on your path when you are ready. He did this for me. I have started participating in the discipling process. I read a book "Save me from myself" by Brian "Head" Welch. In that book, the writer brought up some spiritual issues that I wanted to know more about. God wanted me to want to know more about them too. He wouldn't let the ideas leave my head, I didn't understand them myself, so I prayed that God would help me come to a better understanding of these spiritual things. A few days later I received an email about the same spiritual material I came across in the book...from my discipler (Lakeland stuff). After my discipler's email, Seth blogged about the SAME spiritual material (Lakeland). I emailed my discipler about these things. She said to call her. That phone call was amazing...and has opened MANY spiritual doors. This is what discipling is all about. God uses people to help you grow.

Don't discount the voice of God Himself. I don't think you can hear Him, as your teacher, when you first begin to take your relationship with Him seriously. We have A LOT of walls and roadblocks to hearing the voice of God, and receiving what He has to say. These walls and roadblocks MUST be torn down. Once you come to the place where you realize your life is meaningless without Him...REALLY meaningless...He will begin, slowly, bringing things into your life to bring you to where He needs you to be. God wants to talk to you. God wants you to hear his voice. God has some AMAZING revelations about this life, your body, and where you actually are once you are in Christ. These revelations will free you from the pain of this earth in a mind boggling way.

We have allowed satan to take this type of relationship with God away from us. Lets get it back. God wants to be our teacher. What He knows and wants to reveal to us is far greater than anything man can say. Give your life away. Give the pursuit of yourself, while you are here on this earth, away. Realize the truth of Psalm 90...our lives here on this earth are like blades of grass. From an eternal perspective, our time here is NOT long. Lets STOP making decisions like this is our forever place...its just not.

0 comments - Permalink -