Thursday, February 12, 2009

Genie God.

5:46 PM by Christi Bowman

Maybe it was as a kid, in the Sunday school classroom, where I listened to the remarkable stories of the Old Testament told and re-told, by teacher's with agenda's, that I began to perceive that if God is on your side than He gives you what you want. I have been haunted by this idea of God as most of my life, warranted or not, I have not been on the receiving end of "good luck."

I found yours truly accidentally giving sway to this ancient ideology the other day and I had to stop and chuckle as I caught myself. It was on the same day as the bath tub incident. It had been a challenging day as a whole, but with the help of Jesus I had been a fabulous parent. Still, as rest time approached I found myself worse for the wear on the inside and so I desperately counted down the milliseconds until the two year old slept and the older two girls played quietly in their room.

My two and a half year old sleeps with a white noise machine; a sleeping technique I picked up from a child rearing book as I was having my second; and it has worked like a charm. The other day my two year old was playing with the white noise machine he has had since birth and he broke it. I was able to dig up another one, but for some reason the power cord to it has vanished and so we have found ourselves very dependent on double AA batteries as of late.

On this particularly stressful day the batteries had gotten low and although the machine was making white noise it was not coming out with the fullness of sound to which my son's finely tuned ears have become accustom.

Have I mentioned that my two year old has OCD tendencies?

As the distorted sound wafted through the speakers he started screaming at the top of his lungs in a very panicky way: "HELP ME" and "FIX IT." It was right then that I remembered putting two of our last three double AA batteries in another toy the day before, fully intending to buy more, as this particular white noise machine takes four double AA batteries.

My husband works across the street from our house, and for the most part I have found this scenario to be a very convenient way to live...except for in moments like this one. I called him to see if he could run to the gas station at the corner and pick up the treasured double AA batteries we were so desperately in need of, but he would not answer his phone.

This was the very moment in which I caught myself whining in my head:

"C'mon God, I have been good ALL day."

In that moment my expectation of God was quite simple; I wanted to know why, on this particular afternoon, He did not see fit to have my back and use His awesome power to over ride the dying batteries long enough for my son to take a nap. After all, isn't there a verse somewhere that speaks to not giving us more than we can handle?

It was in that instant that I heard the words I have been hearing a lot lately:

"Suffering perfects you."

To be honest, the thought of continuous suffering after I have already chosen to enter into suffering does not appeal to me. I can choose to suffer, but I need to know that there is an end to the suffering; I expect an end, matter of fact I down right demand an end, and if it doesn't happen I have been known to throw an adult sized temper tantrum.

It all goes back to my first post on suffering. I am seeing where Jesus never demanded an end to His suffering, and that is a very big difference between Him and me. I will admit to praying some very powerful prayers in Spirit filled moments when I grasp the absolute need of suffering as Jesus suffered, but when I feel all alone and the immediate future looks bleak it is in those moments that I want to pull out as I stomp my feet and say

"I didn't mean THIS...
You can't possibly want THIS...
You may not have THIS!!!"

It was then that I realized that I was being pushed past my limit, in this moment, for a reason. I was being tested, and the harsh reality that there is nothing that I can't handle because I can do all things through Christ came crashing down on me...because He is my portion and NOT my child's nap time.

I calmly put down my phone and reached for the toy that had the two new double AA batteries in it and I slowly dug them out with the Philips head. After that I slowly opened two more toys with the same screw driver, but they took the triple AAA variety. I went to where we stored the batteries to collect the last double AA battery and clung to the hope that the three new double AA's could, along with the one dying double AA, make the white noise machine perform at the level to which my two year old had become acquainted until the completion of his nap.

This is where God came through for me in an amazing and very unexpected way, just because He loves me. I know He is in the very serious business of raising the dead and healing the sick, but in the midst of all of that he also has the time to strategically place a double AA battery every now and then; and although you are perfectly within your rights to think whatever you would like I know for a fact that there was only one double AA battery in the battery bucket, but when I went to retrieve it there were two.

I praised God all the way to my son's room with the four batteries in my hand. I put them in his sound machine and let him push the button. He smiled as he was quite pleased to hear his cherished white noise at it's regular octave. I kissed him and shut his door quietly; relieved to enter into the peace and quiet of rest time. I stood at the stove waiting for the tea kettle to whistle and wondered what I would do without the luxury of this quiet time that I have become so thoroughly dependent on...but that is a post for another evening.

As I reflected on the sequence of events that had just taken place God revealed something to me: When you come to a place where you realize that Jesus is in the suffering and that those He loves are acquainted with affliction because adversity has meaning and eternal purpose...satan can no longer convince you that God neither loves you nor cares for your plight just because you find yourself in the middle of disaster...it is in the upheaval that you can actually come to realize that He cares for you more than you can possibly imagine, and as a son (or daughter) He is using circumstance to grow you up into who He created you to be.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Learning How to Suffer.

4:30 PM by Christi Bowman

I was giving my middle child a bath and the youngest, who happens to be a big two and a half year old, was crawling all over me. He was trying to get to the bath water, but he had already taken his bath, and he was dressed in clean dry clothes. I was also keenly aware that his sister does not like him anywhere near her bath water, and rightfully so: He has been known to grab her toys and either throw them at her or douse her with water once he has them in his hands.

I was sitting on the edge of the bath tub in a semi uncomfortable position, turned a little at the waste, to shampoo my four year old daughter's hair. I was doing my best to hold back the two year old with my knees because my hands were pre-occupied with hair and shampoo bubbles; all the while, in between shrieks of terror, in my ear, meant as a warning for her brother, she placed her wet hands on my dry clothes because she found seeing her hand prints to be fascinating.

I felt like I was going insane. Every single nerve in my body was on edge. My flesh was screaming for respite. Everything inside of me was demanding that I abruptly and rudely shove the two year old off of me while harshly telling everyone in the room to stop what they were doing and just leave me alone. I have reacted similarly in the past and although acting in such a way gets my flesh what it desires in the moment, I have found that what my flesh wants does not necessarily guarantee my happiness; in this instance I scare my children and have to deal with the rotten consequences of bad parenting decisions.

Today, as my flesh was convincing me that it could not handle one more second of what it had deemed to be sheer torture, I heard a whisper in my spirit: "He was made perfect THROUGH suffering." I purposed in my heart at that moment to identify myself with Christ and not react in the way that my flesh was desperately tempting me to. I continued to let the two year old crawl on me and I was even able to kiss him a little bit and tell him that I loved him. I continued to bathe the four year old as she shrieked and placed her hands all over my dry clothes. My flesh never failed to remind me the whole time of the excruciating pain it believed itself to be in.

Later I was reading in Hebrews; and when I came to chapter two I was thrilled to read verse 18 and I was delighted to find out that Jesus knows exactly what I am up against:

"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Jesus' flesh had a hard time with His choices too, likewise He also had to force it into subjection just like I do, and it writhed in pain as well.

Finally the bath was done. We drained the water, the two year old moved on to other things, and the four year old climbed out of the tub. As I dried my four year old off, put lotion on her, and got her dressed I realized what my reward was for not giving into my flesh; it was unbroken communication with Jesus. Once everyone had scurried away and I found myself alone for a few seconds we picked up where we left off , Jesus and I, and there was nothing in between us. I liked that.

I John 3:21-22 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him.

This business of learning how to suffer is difficult. I am very much aware that all I have ever done, when it has been in my power to do so, is gratify my flesh. I have also raged when my flesh has suffered and I have found myself powerless to give it what it wants. I never have, before this time, chosen to enter into the suffering of my flesh purposefully. This idea has never been presented as an option to me either in the Sunday school room nor the Bible class arena; as the very culture I live in finds this idea preposterous.

Maybe suffering is what Jesus meant when He said "not as the world giveth, give I unto you" (John 14:27;) and "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you" (John 14:26.)

I have always been hooked by my flesh. I have always acted on how it told me I felt, I have always sought to alleviate its pain whether emotional or physical. I have always sought its happiness...its comfort. This is the first time I have been convinced and radically changed by the fact that I am right smack dab in the middle of a very real war and satan uses my own body against me so that as I seek its rights, even in the most "innocent"of ways, I feel more and more alienated from my God.

"It's cold in Kansas City.
And You can no more hear me
than I can see Your face;
and how I wish it was just You and me.
We wouldn't have to talk above the crowd;
we wouldn't have to talk so loud."

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

Choosing to Suffer.

3:05 AM by Christi Bowman

I have not been pain's biggest fan over the years, matter of fact, a favorite saying of mine has been:

"I am allergic to pain."

As I was reading in Matthew 14, I was blindsided by verse 24. This verse shows up at the end of a very rough day for Jesus. He has just received word that John the Baptist was murdered, by Herod, for being the man of God he was called to be. Not only was Jesus grieving this senseless loss, but I believe John's death hit a little to close to home as it's message rang loud and clear: God's truth is offensive unto death!

Jesus was getting away to mourn and re-center himself only to be followed by throngs of people. The Bible says "He was moved with compassion for them and healed their sick." We watch Jesus as He. all day, puts aside His own emotional well being to minister to this very large group of people.

We are told that His disciples advised Him, well after supper time, to dismiss the crowd. Jesus does not send the crowd away, but instead He uses this time as a teaching moment. He encourages His disciples to strengthen their faith by feeding the masses with that faith, and He demonstrates with His own faith how that is possible.

After everyone is well fed and taken care of we are reminded that all is not well if we are attentive to Jesus' actions. We observe Him quickly ushering His disciples by boat onto the sea, we discern Him slip away, and we eventually witness Him getting to do what He set out to do earlier: find solace in His Father.

But the business of this day doesn't stop here; He does not get to rest. Matthew informs us in verse 23 that He was finally alone only to follow it up by a great big BUT in verse 24:

23 Now when evening came, He was alone there. 24 BUT the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

As an introvert who desperately wants to be like Jesus, this verse scares me to death!

I can relate to being with people for a lot longer than I expected to be, but, what I cling to with clenched fists in that moment is the alone time I will receive. I covet and stubbornly hold on so tightly to that alone time, that when it finally does come, if anyone dares to disturb it, I act out in such ungodly ways that I am pained by them later.


As I read this I had a panic attack for Jesus! He calmed me down and explained some things to me by bringing me to Hebrews 5:7-8:

7 who, in the days of His flesh, when He had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to Him who was able to save Him from death, and was heard because of His godly fear, 8 though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.

When I first looked at these verses I was troubled. What do you mean, oh writer of Hebrews, that Jesus was heard? He was not saved from death...or was He? After a day of reflection on these verses I have come to believe that the death Jesus prayed so vehemently against was the death by seperation that you and I face everyday when we give into our flesh at the expense of others by demanding our rights.

It became all to clear to me what Jesus is alluding to in John 12:24-25:

24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. 25 He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

We are under no circumstances to occupy ourselves with the pursuit of our own happiness, safety, or comfort. We are to pursue suffering. We are never to look for ways to end our own pain, but only find ways to enter into the suffering of others so as to alleviate theirs. The only salve we have a right to is our belief in God Himself, but even that does not guarantee us the right to be alone with Him at the expense of others.

No, Jesus ended this very emotionally taxing day by once again putting His own needs aside and heading out to sea. He walked on water, encouraged Peter and the rest to greatness, and calmed the storm. He was found by His Father.

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Friday, February 6, 2009

Let It Go

10:13 PM by Christi Bowman

I faced a mild amount of injustice today; it was nothing major like being the head of my household at age 8 or younger, it wasn't a lack of food, nor was it anywhere near as horrific as having an eye gouged out by a brothel owner...still, embarrassingly enough, it ruffled my feathers.

I am a comfortable American, and for now my "tribulations," though seemingly light in comparison to my brothers and sisters around the globe, are just that...tribulations. I get frustrated and have to call out for help and an attitude adjustment so that I can once again get my mind of myself and centered back onto Jesus...and when Jesus answers my cry I am still amazed and humbled by the experience and am able to count even my trials as joy as they bring me a very real glimpse into the inner workings of His Kingdom.

We live across the street from where my husband works, and word has gotten around that if the parking lot is full than our driveway is available. At times this complicates my life (whine)! We have a skinny driveway, and my husband parks all the way at the end of it as if to advertise the fact that we have PLENTY of room.

Today, a fellow co-worker of my husband's parked his car right up against my husbands van leaving me no room to get out. This would normally not be a problem as I seldom leave the house with all three of my children in tow, alone, however, tonight was date night.

I have just begun re-adding weights into my work out routine, and I have not established myself enough yet to take a day off. I wanted my husband to come home during his lunch and watch the kids while I went to the gym so that I would be able to get my weight lifting in, but not have it interfere with our evening plans.

My husband walked into the house and handed me the keys to another co-workers vehicle as he relayed to me the car situation outside. I did not know, until that time, that my husband's co-worker had parked in our driveway at all. I find it nearly impossible to wrap my mind around change that is upseting if it is just sprung on me. I got upset because I do not like to drive other people's cars for fear of something happening that I would be responsible for while I am driving it.

Apparently the co-worker who parked right up next to our van had gone out to lunch in someone else's car and had taken his keys with him. This added to my irritation, because it is the policy at my husbands place of employment, because of the cramped nature of the parking lot, that if you are forced to park in such a way that your automobile is blocking someone else's, than you are to leave your keys in your vehicle so that it may be moved should the need arise. Why should my driveway be any different?

When the gravity of the situation hit me I was enraged, and I began to think of a plethora of reasons as to why this incident was so outrageous...what if there was an emergency while my husband's co-worker was out to lunch...how would we be able to get out and get to where we needed to be? What if we had plans where we were being counted on and we were not able to obtain another vehicle? My husband's co-worker's thoughtlessness and apparent self centeredness was becoming more and more maddening by the moment.

I gathered my things in a huff and settled myself into the car that did not belong to me. I drove the several blocks to the gym irritated all the more by how cautious I had to be in someone else's vehicle...I could do nothing on autopilot. I wanted my husband to expose this injustice and the only thing he would say to me as I complained was "accidents happen."

"How do I deal with all this emotion?" I asked the Lord. I turned my MP3 Bible on as I began my workout and started listening at the beginning of the eleventh chapter of John. Soon I came across verses 4-6 in John chapter 12:

4Then saith one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, which should betray him,

5Why was not this ointment sold for three hundred pence, and given to the poor?

6This he said, not that he cared for the poor; but because he was a thief, and had the bag, and bare what was put therein.

I confess that I have this pressing desire to bring into the light the wrong doing of others. I don't like to let people get by with a thing. I have no problem rationalizing this ugly behavior...how will people learn, or I need closure to soothe my anger, even better is the need to "get it off my chest," but, when I saw in these verses that it was common knowledge amongst this group that Judas was a thief, and not only did they not confront him, but they gave him the job of treasurer I was dumbfounded. Jesus let a THIEF hold the money bag, and never once, that we know of, did he let on that he knew. Talk about the foolishness of God!

I think I can let the person who parked in front of my car off the hook today.

And the best part about this lesson, is that the next time I find myself "out for blood," Jesus will whisper into my ear..."Judas was a thief"...and I will know exactly what He is asking me to do...

Let it go.

" The Word is alive
And it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless and afraid
Breathing life into all who believe
The Word is alive
And the world and its glories will fade
But His truth, it will not pass away
It remains yesterday and forever the same
The Word is alive"

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