Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Influence.

12:28 PM by Christi Bowman

I am finally at a point where I can honestly say that I love home schooling my daughter. This has been a learning year for both of us as it was our first. There have been many ups and downs, but things are falling into place beautifully and she and I are really enjoying it.

Their are many things about home schooling that I delight in. I appreciate the more relaxed nature of our mornings. I am very thankful that I can now be most confident as to her well being throughout the day. I like spending time with her, but most of all I like that I get to be more intentional as I influence her.

We start the day by reading a chapter in the Bible and then after we finish up my daughter picks a verse that stands out to her; we talk about why she chose that verse and then she writes that verse down in her journal.

Today we read Matthew 13 and as we were finishing the parable about the wheat and the tares my daughter read "and then the evil plants are got together and burned with fire, so it will be in the end of the world"

My daughter has been raised in Evangelical denominations for all of her little life; so when I asked her what she thought that verse was speaking about I was not at all surprised when she said, with a sadness in her voice that I am all to familiar with, hell.

My children are the main reason why I left institutional church. It is not that I don't believe in hell; I believe it to be very real. What I don't believe is that it is only a place reachable upon death. Another word for eternal is perpetual...past present and future. With Christ we have eternal or perpetual life and without Him we have eternal or perpetual death which is past, present, and future hell. People who are living and breathing on this earth without Christ are not only going to hell, they have been in hell and are in hell.

I also do not believe that hell is a permanent place. Being in hell, while on this earth, is eternal (past, present, and future) as long as we remain without Christ; but it does not have to be forever. At any moment Christ can come and reconcile a person with or without the help of a Christ follower (although he prefers the former.) I believe it to be quite possible that God will be reconciling people who were not reconciled during their time on this earth after their death. In Colossians 1:19-20 Paul talks about God reconciling all things to Himself through the blood of Jesus. In Romans 14:11 & in Philippians 2:10 Paul states that every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord; and in Romans 10:9 Paul promises that if anyone confesses with thy mouth and believes that they will be saved.

Because my daughter has grown up in Evangelical denominations it is important to me that we discuss what she has already learned and re-process things if we can. I grew up accepting and only knowing God out of a fear of hell. I have been given freedom from that and I will take any and all opportunities to re-direct my daughter away from any fear based decisions she feels she must make. A friend of mine who was abused throughout her childhood became a foster parent and she talks about the healing she received while making intentional decisions to parent them in a completely different fashion than she was parented. I feel as though I am being healed from a lifetime of religiosity and a very backwards view of God as I walk with my child towards Jesus instead of forcing Him on her.

With re-direction in mind I listened to the conclusions she had come to about hell based on what she had been taught and true to form they were quite scary and as she talked she became frightened. It was with great joy that I took her to I Timothy 2:3-4 "For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth." I Timothy 4:10 "For therefore we both labour and suffer reproach, because we trust in the living God, who is the Saviour of all men, specially of those that believe." and Matthew 22:10 "So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests."

As I read my daughter these verses she began to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she told me that it was hard to explain. I tried to make things a little clearer for her by letting her know that it is very hard for a seven year old to put into words what God is doing in their heart, but that I thought He was creating sacred space in her heart for Him.

As we both sat their teary eyed together at the goodness of God I said a prayer of thanksgiving. I am so thankful that God has given me the grace to influence my children

Labels: Bible, eternity, Hell, home schooling

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It Still Lies

3:27 PM by Christi Bowman

It has been a long time since I have been able to carve out a significant amount of time long enough to sit and listen to a favorite teacher of mine, Andrew Wommack. There are a few things Mr. Wommack talks about that I must tuck away until I am ready to deal with them. One of those things I took out and tested the other night and I would like to piece together my experience.

Andrew Wommack was talking about believing in the complete healing power of the Holy Spirit when he chose to make an example of the alcoholic. He warned against continuing to call oneself an alcoholic as that was to presume that their were still active issues and that God had not been faithful to completely heal.

This concept resonated with me as I do feel I was miraculously healed from the disease they call alcoholism. I know what it is like to white knuckle sobriety and want with every fiber in my being to take a drink fully aware of the consequences if I did. I suffered through that with the occasional relapse from December of 07 to March of 08, and I acknowledge that many people never conquer this phase.

In March God led me to a verse, which led to my first blog post, which led to an outright confession and what I believe to be a miraculous healing of my body. I ceased craving any alcohol and I was content with my decision to quit drinking completely. I discussed this rarity with an AIM counselor as he was helping me work through some issues via the phone. He gave me a glimmer of hope that this could be completely over when he stated that as people deal with the deep seated issues that caused alcoholism to flare up it is not uncommon for the cravings to disappear completely.

That conversation took place in June of 08 and I probably heard Mr Wommack make an example out of the alcoholic in either late fall or early winter. Despite this information I chose to remain sober although my resolve was loosening. I did not envision participating in the binge drinking of my past; instead I fancied the relaxing properties of a nice glass of wine in the evening with my husband. I began placing the idea in my husband's head but he was not the fan of it I was. He had not talked with the counselor nor did he care about what Andrew Wommack had to say. His resolve was as firm as ever, but true to who he is he never forced sobriety upon me. When I would not relent he would offer to go and buy me the wine of my choosing but he was adamant that I would be drinking alone. I did not want to drink alone and so March of 09 came and went and I found myself completely sober, only by the grace of God, for a whole year.

As time went on I became more persistent about the glass of wine and at times my persistence would bother me as I had to ask myself why, if I did not have a problem, did I care so much about one glass of wine? Truth be told I was curious as to what it would be like to share a nice glass of wine with my husband without the pressing urge to drown all of my anger and pain in the whole bottle.

There are no words to describe the wonderful patience of my husband. Maybe he sensed that there could be some healing in one glass of wine or at the very least some insight, but no matter what he thought, he chose to lay his apprehensions aside and share in a glass of wine. As I raised the glass to my lips I was surprised at the feeling of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I acknowledged that fourteen months was quite an accomplishment and I wasn't sure that I wanted to break this long string of sobriety. I decided that I had never been to an AA meeting to deal with my own alcoholism and so I wasn't in it for the chips. I didn't want my long string of sobriety to become my god. I wanted to decide once and for all if wine was something that I could enjoy responsibly and with restraint. I am not opposed to the occasional drink with friends where other people are concerned nor have I ever been. I now stand opposed to using alcohol to the extent that it causes drunkenness, but that was not what I was after and I knew that from the bottom of my heart.

With the first sip down and the long stint broken my husband and I began to ease into our respective glasses of wine. We began to talk as if we did this sort of thing all the time and there had never been a problem. However, as I neared the bottom of my glass the old feelings returned and tears began to roll down my cheeks. When God told me that I was to quit drinking He used Genesis 3:3, and for the first time, as I write this, I understand that it was no accident that He compared my alcohol addiction to the fruit that hung from the tree of good and evil.

I was surprised to find that evening that when I drink instead of dulling the ache inside of me it actually awakens me to it. I was not aware of this when I stopped drinking because I was entrenched in it, but after removing myself from it for a year I was more able to put a finger on what I was experiencing than I ever could have before.

Every day I carry around with me on a subconscious level a huge burden of pain and all though I know its source, because of repression, there are some things that I will never know. God has been faithful and allows me to live out my life with very little knowledge of the emotional pain that lies deep within my psyche as long as I remain sober. I know that many psychologists seek to bring into the open that which their patients have repressed but I believe that repression can also be God's band aid and some things are not meant to be remembered. Satan can only do what God allows him to do and for some reason, even while drinking, satan has never been allowed to bring to remembrance that which God has allowed me to repress, however, that does not mean that satan cannot use the euphoric feeling of even one glass of wine to bring to my conscience the large amount of pain that I exist in.

I was surprised to find that once again in this semi euphoric state (I must be a cheap date) all I could think about was my last sip, although I was in a large amount of pain I found myself wanting to go deeper and the only way I could do that was to have more alcohol. I was once again believing that only in this state can I fully know and be fully known. There is probably some truth to that and that is why alcohol will be to me forever alluring, but not all things that are knowable are supposed to be known...at least not yet...and so although I am completely healed I have found that I will need to continue to stay away because it still lies.

Labels: alcoholism, emotional pain, healing, relapse

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Enemy Love.

12:44 AM by Christi Bowman

I am finding that living into what I believe is actually quite difficult. What I believe in my spirit is at times an anathema to my flesh and so my flesh becomes a heavy burden. My flesh is constantly rationalizing and if I am not careful I tend to get sucked in by its arguments because they are the most cerebral.

God is not interested in appealing to my logic; He continually asks me to step out in faith so that I may grow. Stepping out in faith is not rational. When I begin to question the prudent nature of what God is asking me to do then I know that I am letting my flesh gain ground and if I keep listening to it I will miss out on a blessing and a growth spurt.

God is teaching me about enemy love. Enemy love is HARD. It is not rational. I have come to the conclusion that when God tells me to love my enemy He is actually telling me to treat them better than I would my friend. My flesh finds this insulting.

In my last post I wrote about being profoundly hurt by a family I had tried my hardest to love well. Despite loving them the best I knew how I was told that my efforts were not good enough and I was rejected via an email. In order to not allow my heart to turn bitter toward this family I had to go to them. My flesh abhorred this idea but despite its protests I went. We were able to talk for a while and I found out why my efforts to love were not good enough. In their opinion I lacked intentionality.

I was glad the conversation was constructive but as I thought more and more about the discussion I was doubtful as to how long the situation would remain as such. I have three children at home and the youngest two are under five; I home school my oldest. I also suffer from a severe case of introversion. As a whole I am seriously questioning how I can be more intentional; my flesh thinks me foolish for even considering it.

I do not call my friends, invite them over, or bring them anything during the week. If they ask to come over I will sometimes oblige, but they have their own transportation. Because I home school we also do not make house calls during the week.

I have considered the a fore mentioned family a part of my network of friends in the past, and I have given to them as I would anyone else (even more so at times,) but that has not been good enough. My flesh would have me believe that there is nothing else I can do for them and it is good enough for me to love them from a distance by intentionally not letting bitterness towards them creep into my heart; but that will, as I said earlier, do nothing to keep the situation positive as I have behaved like this in the past and have only been successful in angering them.

My flesh presents to me the easy way out: "You have done all that you can do" it says, but the Spirit brings to my recollection Luke 6. What good is it to love those who love you instead do good to your enemies.

It is not enough to love your enemies as you would your friends...if it were than your enemies would be your friends...to love your enemies is to love in a completely different way...a better way than how you are accustomed to loving.

Making a concentrated effort to love your enemy better than you normally love hardly seems fair to those you call friends; it is most definitely irrational and downright impossible from a human perspective. I do not know how to love any better on my own than how I am accustom to loving.

There is a war going on between my spirit and my flesh. My flesh says no and provides me with all the reasoning I need to feel good about that decision, but the Spirit reminds me that if I want to be transformed into the likeness of Christ than I must take up my cross and follow after Him, and He brings to mind ideas that make that possible. These ideas go beyond anything I would spontaneously do for those I love and who love me in return. My flesh uses my acknowledgment of this to inform me that if I am to love my enemy in a better way than my friend than I am not a worthy friend. The Spirit tells me that this is what it means to participate in enemy love and through it I may learn to be a better friend, but that will, in the future, only set the bar higher for enemy love.

"Come unto Me." When you hear those words you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, anything at all that will put the axe at the root of the thing which is preventing you from getting through. You will never get further until you are willing to do that one thing. The Holy Spirit will locate the one impregnable thing in you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him.
~Oswald Chambers~

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Unlearning

5:07 PM by Christi Bowman

This business of unlearning old behavior patterns is not easy and at times it even happens to be downright painful! God is not conventional nor does He use conventional methods. There is a lot of blind trusting with plenty of squirming on the side. Handling relationships in a new fashion can only be likened to closing my eyes and jumping off of a cliff instead of choosing to stay on familiar, solid, and predictable ground.

After taking the plunge I no longer have anything tangible for support and that is uncomfortable; yet I still jump because it is the only way I can bring myself to obey Him. I need to obey Him for He has the words of life and I trust Him because He is nothing but good. Despite the knowledge I have that He is good I still kick and scream.

Throughout the process of unlearning I remind Him that I have a tried and true way of doing things and although it is not perfect it is safe. He tells me that He is not safe nor is He interested in the safety nets that I have built for myself. He is teaching me a new way and He promises to be patient with the kicking and screaming as long as I continue to follow Him.

As an adult I have had my first encounter with meanness purely for the sake of meanness. It has probably taken me this long to have such an experience because I have gotten so damn good at protecting myself. A year ago I would never have had the emotional fortitude to let this situation get anywhere near as far as it did.

As I began to navigate this strange emotionally vulnerable terrain I have to admit that doing this God's way was not easy. Instead of getting to remain a proud rock and a stoic island I got hurt, and my pain was on display for others to see; and it was not pretty. Being that vulnerable in front of others was awkward for me, but by not reverting back to old behavior patterns I unlocked a crucial part of my heart that was taken away from me and held captive by my enemy a long long time ago.

My heart has been softened and I now know that I possess the ability to love and show grace and neither of those have to be dependent on how the recipient of my love and grace has treated me. That part of my heart could only be restored to me through the hands on experience of pain and rejection while refusing to act as though I was still living by my flesh. I am not saying that I did this flawlessly; I still have much to learn. Still, I listened to His leading and I did what He asked of me even as my flesh was repulsed by my obedience; I believe that made all the difference.

When operating in the flesh I like to wound when I have been wounded because it feels good to be the administrator of justice. I administer justice by shutting down and pulling away at the slightest assault to my feelings. I deny anyone who has wounded me a chance at reconciliation. At the onset of hurt the relationship ceases to exist and the person is dead to me.

For months I have been tempted with this old way of getting even; I have been dying to protect myself. When I would begin thinking this way and making decisions based on withdrawal I would be convicted by Luke 6:31-36 and led to pray about the intent behind my actions and more often than not I was told that I could not go ahead with my plans. Without permission to carry out my own justice I had to be a bit more available than I wanted to be and a lot more vulnerable. When I wanted to withdraw I had to show up and when I wanted to reject I had to accept.

After weeks of intentionally being present and accepting of people I received the final blow. I was withdrawn from and rejected, lied about...slandered. I was dumbfounded! I wondered how this could have happened. I was angry. I do not allow this to happen; the rug never gets pulled out from under me. I am so very careful with my heart.

I found myself telling God over and over again that being this vulnerable was to hard to bear. I made Him aware that I could have nipped this in the bud and bypassed all of this pain months ago with my pride in tact. While I was licking my wounds and allowing satan to remind me of why people were not worth my time I finally said the words that exposed everything: "If You had let me handle this in my own way it never would have happened," but it was at that moment that I realized what all of this relational pain had been about: My tried and true way was holding me prisoner, as being able to only love conditionally is not being able to love at all.

I pictured Jesus standing there with a gentle knowing smile and a twinkle in His eye; He was proud of me! His arm was outstretched and in His hand there was a key; He was handing that key to me. I immediately understood that that key was the key to my own cell and as I accepted it I must admit the moment was bittersweet. I stood before Him ashamed as I confessed my inability to trust Him completely while in the eye of the storm. In moments like this He has the ability to soften me so completely; I am utterly transparent before Him. I am reminded, in that state, that I do not possess the means on my own by which to do anything good and even with Him by my side I am a miserable wretch who rails against the very hand that heals me.

He lovingly said "maybe next time" and as my heart softened I was no longer hurt or angry. With surprise I found that the emotions that took their place were a mixed bag. I was thankful that God never gave up on me despite the kicking and screaming, and I was happy that I was free; I felt so very loved and rescued. Still, I was sad for my friend who once again cycled through her bondage so that I could be free from mine.

Tonight I got a glimpse of how Jesus could freely pray "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" For eternal purposes I do not pretend to understand there are people that God uses to do wrong so that others might be led to victory. He asks us to pray for those who do us harm and not to curse them. We are to do that I believe because by putting our lives in His hand He can bring about good for us as we suffer at the hand of the bondage of others. I am beginning to see it as the ultimate act of narcissism to wish more suffering on those who have been unkind; they must already be suffering a great deal to be able to inflict so much pain onto others. Pray for your enemies so that they may gain the same freedom that their pain has unwittingly brought to you.

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