Thursday, September 3, 2009
Just One of the Many Ways I Am NOT like Jesus.
12:04 PM by Christi Bowman
WOW...I have not written in almost three months. I have had a serious problem with writers block as I have been processing this particular phase of my journey; which I have found to be a bummer. I enjoy processing through writing and I like getting feedback both positive and negative. For those of you who may pick up right here let me offer up some insight into who I am.
I STRUGGLE with mothering. I lack the instinct. True unconditional and sacrificial love, of anyone, does not come at all easy for me. Matter of fact, when left to myself, I resent having to participate in it at all! I know what some of you might be thinking; Isn't it the human condition to struggle with that kind of love? I would say yes, but also let me say that I have spent plenty of time observing other mothers, in an effort to find out just what the heck is wrong with me, and I have come to the conclusion (however wrong it may be) that if a mother possesses the "mothering instinct" unconditional and sacrificial love, at least for her own children, flows from her in a beautiful and natural way. I am envious of that kind of love.
The admission of my struggle does not mean that I have come to accept it as okay; it just means that I acknowledge the truth about it. Honesty makes it easier to be more intentional, in hopes of developing the skill. I do not want to spend my life justifying my behavior and pretending that a real problem does not exist. I do love my children. It hurts me, in ways that are indescribable, to be so aware of the fact that I am unable to give my children what they need most in this world. I did not receive this kind of love growing up from anyone. I was constantly put in, what I have now identified to be, abusive situations: whether it was my own home, amongst extended family members, that of an abusive daycare provider, or in the corporal punishment atmosphere of a fundamentalist private school system. I say that I have identified my past situations as abusive because I recognize that my parents refuse to acknowledge anything of the sort and yes I struggle with that!
I am learning how to be a cycle breaker, and that learning process is far slower than suites my fancy. I often wonder aloud why God would allow my children to suffer as He takes His time with me.
Anyhow I digress big time!!
I was in the shower today and shampoo got in my eyes. Indignation rose up inside of me as I pushed through the burn until I was done scrubbing my hair. "See" I said to myself "If I can handle it why can't they?" For those of you who possess the mothering instinct you are appalled at the ludicrousness of that statement...and well you should be...But I am just being honest. They are children and I an adult. How would someone in their right mind even begin to expect children to be able to suffer quietly through what an adult is able to bear? Shampoo is going to get in the eyes sometimes...that is a fact...but I get so frustrated when my children whine and carry on about it like they do and I often times encourage them, in an embarrassingly gruff way, to " suck it up."
As I was priding myself on the handling of my own pain while proving that my expectations of my children were worthy ones Hebrews 4:16 entered my realm of thought:
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses."
Jesus, the expert in sacrificial and unconditional love sympathizes with us. He knows what it is like to be in our shoes and instead of treating us gruffly when we are unable to walk as He walked...He sympathizes!! If I am to allow unconditional and sacrificial love to develop in me than I need to work on being sympathetic to my children when they are suffering. This is how Jesus is making all things new as it concerns me; this is how He is teaching me. He lets me know right in the moment and in no uncertain terms who He is and when I see Him I know who I am not...but I know who He wants me to be. It is a very slow process...but a process none the less and at least I hear His voice and that is a good thing!!
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