Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Past, The Future, and Living in the Present.

9:26 PM by Christi Bowman

I went to the gym alone and worked out hard. My reward, as always, was a nice long sit in the sauna. While inside, I read the fourth chapter of my current book for a second time (it had blown my mind the first.) It did so again.

I am rarely competitive, except for in the gym. My competitive nature kept me seated in the sauna for five minutes longer than my usual thirty; I like to be the first one in and the last one out. I have no idea why this is, but my resolve is high and my tenacity strong. As I exited the tiny room of cedar, my body was dripping and my head and heart were pounding. I was the last one to leave, but the sauna was the only winner.

I sat down on a bench in the women's locker room, next to locker twenty six, preparing to cool down, relax, and meditate on the powerful concepts in chapter four. For a brief moment in time my body relaxed, all tension was gone, and I was completely taken by the holiness of solitude.

But, as soon as I began to enjoy my chance at reflection I felt bitterness creep into my soul. In a split second I "watched" anger and resentment steal my joy. I had stumbled upon some much needed time of solitude, and my thoughts would not allow me to stay in the present long enough to enjoy it. Instead, my thoughts began bemoaning the fact that in my current phase of life I cannot count on these times...

I came to the conclusion that I am never alone; even my thoughts disturb me. Are my thoughts me?

When I was younger, before marriage, I was scared of being alone...forever. The thought of that fear consumed me. Once married, my husband would need to leave sometimes, and the fear of being alone would overwhelm me. When I found out I was pregnant I was over joyed...I would never find myself alone again. I have been pregnant three times now and I am never alone. I often find myself dreaming of the day when I can expect to be alone...most of the time.

As I sat on the bench by locker twenty-six, thinking about the past and coveting the future, a horrible thought presented itself. It seemed to ask me why I thought, if I had yet to learn to live in the present, a future present would bring any real satisfaction? It seemed to taunt me by pointing out that my past futures had in all actuality never completely solved the problem of my existence. If marriage had not calmed my fears, and parenthood had not brought me true happiness, than why did I seem to put my hope in the fact that true happiness still lies ahead in the future? It doesn't, it never will. When I arrive in my future present, what will be there to keep me from living in that present?

As if by some gift, I saw what my older self would worry about when I finally got all the alone time I had been coveting...what will rob me of joy in the future will once again be the fear of being alone. My children will be gone and I will worry about whether I did right by them and that thought will haunt me when I am alone...it will haunt me because I spent the time I was with them coveting a future without them.

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