Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My GOD story

2:54 PM by Christi Bowman

Maybe it's because I have never felt worthy of love...I don't know...but I have never really felt the love of God until recently. I have always believed in God, but I have never had a relationship with Him until now.

I heard God talk to me for the first time, in October, at a weekend camp retreat. God sent us Benny. Benny was going to crash at our house the night before, and for a few days after the retreat. I had never met Benny, and I don't like to meet people. Since I have already confessed my trouble with alcohol, it won't surprise you, that I had made sure there was plenty there for me during his stay, and I had already had a few when he arrived. Benny was VERY non judgmental...he just went with it. I can be giddy and the life of the party, as long as the subjects are light, but something happened. God happened, and the ugly side of my drinking came out...in front of our house guest. I started sobbing...and saying what a horrible person I was, and that I wasn't worthy of God's love, my kids love, Kevin's love...anyone's love. Benny looked right at me and with all the power of God behind him said GOD LOVES YOU CHRISTI. I wasn't ready to deal with that then...but Benny spoke truth and life into me that night...and I that is why I was able to hear God that weekend.

God was unmistakable. In a very sad, loving, hopeful, but stern voice God said loud and clear "I can't use you like this". I froze...tears streamed down my face (lucky for me the speaker was dynamic...so nobody noticed). What was I supposed to do...yet I knew what I needed to do...I had a LONG road ahead of me...and I didn't know where to begin. I was a mess spiritually, and in a mess physically. I had such a huge sad hole in my spirit, and I had filled it with shopping, and exercise...shopping and alcohol...shopping and angry music...and more shopping. I was the most selfish person I knew...I was in a race against time to satisfy me, and I was insatiable...and angry...and sad. I couldn't buy enough to make me happy. I couldn't exercise enough. I couldn't even be angry enough...when all of these would fail me I would drink...and eventually the truth would come out...and I would be a sobbing mess of not good enoughs. Looking back God's message to me was one of hope...the fact that he couldn't use me like this made all the difference in the world...of course he couldn't use me LIKE THIS...but he wanted to use ME...and all of the sudden I had purpose.

I went to Kevin, and Kevin knew something had happened. There was a time of prayer...and he prayed over me...and for the moment that was it. Things happened after that, but at the time they happened they seemed little and inconsequential...but looking back, it was GOD speaking through people..and speaking through his word...TO ME...and becoming VERY real. A friend, at the retreat, saw my steady flow of tears (the MAGNITUDE would NOT leave me alone) and asked if I was okay. I told him I had A LOT of things to work on...and he said get a mentor...someone you trust to tell everything to...and tell them you need them to keep you accountable. I was like yeah yeah...that sounds like a good answer...but never gave it a second thought. A couple evenings later a friend asked me out for coffee...note that the friend asked ME...I wasn't looking for a mentor here...I had gone home from camp...and my life hadn't changed much...but God's words to me were constantly in the back of my mind. We sat down, and started shooting the breeze...and low and behold...without the help of alcohol, I was being real with my friend...and telling her everything...and she wasn't cowering at my ugliness (she already knew)...she was listening...she didn't think I was a freak because God had spoke to me...she was willing to help me...and she has over and over again.

The second HUGE God thing was Africa...WOW... I didn't even want to go. I was changing...but slowly...and sometimes I forgot that I was changing...and sometimes I was even mad. Kevin took the brunt of my anger here. Kevin is a WONDERFUL man of God, and he is truly the catalyst to ALL of this. I credit Benny for preparing my heart for that weekend, but it is Kevin that I watched for TWO years. I remember watching him, on purpose sometimes, and saying he's got it...he has what I want...He was and still is ALWAYS happy...he wants for nothing...he needs nothing...and he gets what relationship with God is and he has one. Kevin was leaps and bounds ahead of me, and I could feel that in my soul. We were no longer on the same page, and even though he loved me I knew he found me and what I was living for pathetic. He was nothing but good to me...he was nothing but there for me every time I needed him, but I was losing him...not physically, I can't explain it...but I was nonetheless. I tried to beg off Africa...he was having none of it...and deep down I was afraid to let him go by himself. I thought that if he did this alone, the gulf of understanding between us may get to big, and I may really never get him back...so for that reason I went...and I like adventure. Oh Africa...it was huge!! From the moment we hit the care points I was alive inside. I LOVED every tiring sad moment of it...and couldn't get enough...I was bummed every time we had to get back into he cars and leave those kids...those gogo's...they were all SO beautiful...they needed SO much love...and THAT...now THAT was something I could do.

Another HUGE God thing was once we got back. Since our trip I have been urged to read my Bible...but would flippantly say I wasn't ready...and think about something else. I even tried once to ask Kevin IF I was to start reading what book did he recommend I start with. He told me John, I think, but still no time. He was reading James to the girls one night...and I went back to the our room, and tried that, but still...NOTHING. The task seemed big, and I had tried before...and within a couple of days it always fizzled. I kinda thought reading the Bible was sort of cliche christianity...did we really even need to anymore...I thought to myself. Then the other night, the kids had been asking to go to promise land, and so we went to Willow Creek. I kid you NOT, the topic in big people church was how to read your Bible...I was flabbergasted...no way...you've got to be kidding me. I tried to tune him out actually...I don't know why...but he was actually good...and he gave out free journals...and I was going to try. Well, if you have read my first post you know what stemmed from that...the last 3 nights of Bible reading have been INCREDIBLE...it took until today though, to see the fruits of last nights reading. I am still a little cynical and leery of God speaking. It's almost to good to be true...and I am afraid I may be reading into things to get what I want to get...you know? Anyhow, last night I was reading in Genesis, at the part when Sarah was being told she was going to have a baby...you know...and she laughs...anyway God asks..."Is anything to hard for the Lord"? I immediately thought of Africa, and how I feel more than called to go back with my family, for a long period of time, but the issues are HUGE...how would we even start to go about that...THAT ALL seems hard...however I heard God say "Is anything to hard for me"? I said of course not, but moved on quickly b/c I couldn't be sure that that wasn't just me. Anyway, I just got a call from Kevin, and lets just say there has been a MIRACULOUS development. We are definitely on our way.

God is INCREDIBLE...that is all I can say. He IS Real...REALLY REAL...and He loves me, He Pursues me, and He wants a relationship with ME...and He is patient, and loving, and VERY forgiving...and He doesn't let go...and He keeps asking for more...but He waits until your ready, and when you get there, you wonder what took you so long, and you can't wait for the more He has in store...I feel an addiction coming on...but a good one this time...an addiction to God.

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