Saturday, January 24, 2009

25 Random Things About Me.

1:41 AM by Christi Bowman

1.) I started out my life as a California girl (San Fran & San Diego)

2.) I grew up a navy brat

3.) We moved a lot

4.) I attended 8 different schools

5.) My mom made me wear rose colored glasses in elementary school

6.) I also wore head gear

7.) The first movie I ever saw in a movie theater was The Flight of the Navigator.

8.) When I was 15 years old I took myself and a friend to the mall in a car with no adult on a drivers permit.

9.) The first CD I owned was "Everybody else is Doing It So Why Can't We" by the Cranberries

10.) When I got my license I cruised on Friday nights in Crystal Lake

11.) When I was 16 I dated an Italian guy who lived in Chicago whom I met while cruising whose dad was involved with the mob

12.) My first experience with moshing came my junior year of high school.

13.) I lied about my age to a guy so that he would date me and he found out when I couldn't get in to an 18 and up concert.

14.) In college, on a first date, the guy I was with picked me up by my waste when I wasn't expecting it and I had to use the bathroom so badly (because I refused to use the bathroom on dates) that I accidentally peed all over him.

15.) I did not even know my husband a year before we were married.

16.) I was proposed to in the Jewel Osco check out line.

17.) My husband is my best friend.

18.) I love marks left on skin from clothing and such and I love marks left on carpet from furniture...and I have passed this quirky trait down to my oldest child who wakes me up every morning by looking me over for "markies"

19.) I love the fall because I love how everything comes in a pumpkin flavor.

20.) But my favorite season is summer.

21.) I love electric blankets.

22.) When my husband goes to work I turn up the heat sometimes, but I always remember to turn it back down again before he comes home.

23.) I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate.

24.) I love to organize.

25.) I don't like malls.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Least of These, The Body of Christ.

12:10 PM by Christi Bowman

The church is not the body of Christ, but the body of Christ is the Church. They may sound alike, but they are not. By saying that the church is the body of Christ we conform Christ to our image, but when we say that the body of Christ is the Church than we agree to conform ourselves to who Christ is.

Who is Christ?

Matthew 25:35-40

35For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Christ is the hungry, the thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the sick, and the prisoner. Whether it leaves a bad taste in our mouths or not Christ IS the least of these; and no matter what the least of these did or did not do, whether they were born into it or whether it was on behalf of bad decision making, God is their champion.

Counter to what I have been taught, the least of these do not have to do anything to be the body of Christ; by their very nature they just are.

Matthew 21:31 Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.

Jesus doesn't say that the redeemed or the saved or the baptized publicans and harlots go into the kingdom before you; He doesn't say that the harlot and the publican who have asked me into their hearts get first access. No, Jesus refers to the publican and harlot as who they are in that moment and He says that they will go into the kingdom FIRST!

Oswald Chambers says:

When the Holy Spirit brings to our remembrance one of the Beatitudes, we say, "What a startling statement that is!" Then we must decide whether or not we will accept the tremendous spiritual upheaval that will be produced in our circumstances if we obey His words...the interpretation by the Spirit of God as He applies our Lord’s statements to our circumstances is the strict and difficult work of a saint...The teachings of Jesus are all out of proportion when compared to our natural way of looking at things, and they come to us initially with astonishing discomfort. We gradually have to conform our walk and conversation to the precepts of Jesus Christ as the Holy Spirit applies them to our circumstances.

One night around a camp fire, as an area wide youth minister shared Tony Campolo's story of a Hawaiian prostitute, I heard God whisper:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

God's revelation did come with an astonishing amount of discomfort, and it did produce a tremendous spiritual upheaval for me, and I did decide to accept it. It has been a strict and difficult work to have the Holy Spirit apply His interpretation to my circumstances and I am now conforming my walk and conversation to His revelation.

Watchmen Nee says:

Do you know that God is asking of you your very life? There are cherished ideals, strong wills, precious relationships, much-loved work, that will have to go.

God is asking of me my very life and the things that are first to go are my cherished ideals.

I now see the great reversal of things that is the backwards kingdom, and what I have been taught pales in comparison to the revelation of Jesus.

How do we become the body of Christ? We become the least of these. How do we who are "rich" by the worlds standards, whether by money, circumstance, or morality, become poor? By the grace of God we realize that we already are.

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identifying with "monsters"

12:00 PM by Christi Bowman

God is using all that I have screwed up in this life to help me see my own face in the least of these...the body of Christ (Mt 25:40). I would not trade this gift of God for anything.

On Sunday a friend of mine emailed me a link to one of the Chicago papers. The story was about a daycare provider who had killed a baby in a split second of bad decision making. The story was heartbreaking. The daycare provider was a girl in her teens.

The paper reported that this girl had used her Myspace to tell all of her friends how much she loved her job and the children she took care of. When she was interrogated she told the police that the noise level in the room had risen to a level that she couldn't handle and when the baby she was holding would not stop crying, in a moment of anxiousness, she snapped and threw him to the floor. She told the police that the baby, after being thrown to the floor, quietly crawled to his blanket and then into a bouncy seat, alone.

As I read how the baby handled that situation I began to cry, and I began to cry for the mother who, after reading this story, would know that her baby suffered alone; but I also cried for the teenage girl because I knew that if not for the grace of God that would have been me.

I know what it is like to be overcome and panicked by noise that needs you. I know what it is like to experience an overwhelming sense of anxiousness in that moment; realizing that you have lost all control and there is nothing to be done about it. I know all to well the oppressive voices that tell you it is ok to give into your primal urges to end the anxious torment. I know what it is like to react to an overwhelming situation without thinking only to shrink back in horror at what you are actually capable of. I know how excruciating it feels, in the moment, to stop the flesh and tell the voices "no" when all the flesh really wants to do is hurt until it stops hurting.

As I cried for the baby, the family, and the girl the grief of God overwhelmed me as I saw what He saw. I was horrified for His sake as I realized that what I was experiencing over one situation He experienced hundreds of times, daily, as other situations like this and those similar to it play out every second.

I knew that He wept as He watched His baby crawl into that bouncy seat alone because that baby's life was precious to Him.

I knew that He wept for the mother of the baby, His little girl, as she must now pay for the sins of another with the life of her own. He knows that she will have to come face to face with her demons as she digs deep within herself for forgiveness and the courage and strength to go on.

I also knew that He wept for the girl who threw the baby because she is His little girl as well and He loves her and He payed for her loss of control when He said "It is finished." He is not mad at her because He knows better than anybody that she is not a monster; "our fight is not against flesh and blood." God knew that satan used His precious little girls anxiousness for His own gain. He knew that satan was responsible for stealing, killing, and destroying yet again. God wept because, for her own good, He could not use His power to save her, the baby, or the baby's mother. He wanted to reach out and heal that baby so that the baby could live and the baby's mother would be able to watch her child grow, but He loves His little girl so much that He couldn't because He knows that she must come to terms with her demons and the only way she can do that is if she faces her consequences. This is a part of her her life story, her journey, and she must walk it. He is aware of the chance He takes by letting her face her consequences...she may blame Him, but He is also aware that she would have never known Him in that moment if He had healed the baby.

I watched as people said cruel things about God's precious little girl on Facebook and they stung as if they were being said about me.

"But for the grace of God, go I"

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Offended

2:19 AM by Christi Bowman

Matthew 11:6 - blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.

I learned from Oswald Chambers, a few devotionals back, that when Jesus whispers "blessed are those" or "blessed is he" scriptures into your ear you need to pay close attention.

I had a friend tell me once that I must have prayed some pretty big prayers at one time in my life or another; and as I thought about it I knew that I had. When I read about Moses, as a kid, I asked God to speak to me face to face as friends speak...I thought He had enough friends when He never sat down for a conversation. I have asked that He say about me, as He said of David, that I was a person after His own heart, but in the midst of all my screw ups I had forgotten, for a while, that David was also known for murder and adultery. I have also asked, when I read that He was looking for a resting place, that He rest on me.

I have experienced the Holy Spirit in some pretty fantastic ways, and with no one available, with experience, to lead me and be God with skin on I would be lying if I said that I did not find them to be overwhelming and at times downright disconcerting with a tad bit of scary thrown in for fun. I have in turn been frightened of seeing the Holy Spirit as such because although I was aware of His desire to be known I was also afraid that I would wound Him when He saw how scary I perceived what He was doing in me to be. I thought He would go away.

I have relaxed a little. I have realized that His thoughts are not my thoughts nor His ways my ways. I have realized that if I want to know Him than I have to let Him be who He is in me, but knowing Him is not what I thought it would be. He is not what I expected; matter of fact He is completely other.

I have decided that He has granted my request to be a resting place for Him, but maybe because of who He created me to be I find that when He rests on me I take on a lot of His pain and He has a lot of it. This took a while to recognize and it will take some getting used to, but I like that He has allowed me to be a place of rest for Him.

I knew that He was allowing me to be a place of rest when in a particularly pain filled moment for the oddest of things and at the oddest of times He whispered in my ear "blessed is He who is not offended because of me" He was telling me to relax and to know that He is God and that this is how He manifests Himself through me. This is who He is. He was asking me if who He is in me offends me...

I said no.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Two More Seconds.

11:15 PM by Christi Bowman

The other day my littlest one was in desperate need of a nap. When he gets tired he loves to wreak havoc on his sisters in order to keep himself awake. His sisters do not appreciate this!

On this particular day my middle child was packing her back pack as she pretended to play "camp." She was putting a necessary item into her bag when it caught his attention, and the games began. He grabbed it, she started screaming, and the more she carried on the more entertained he became.

I was caught up in something and could not come to her rescue. I knew she was miserable, but I also knew that I would be bringing the source of her misery to an end very quickly. I began talking her through it as I continued to finish up what I was working on. I told her to let him have whatever it was he had taken because I was putting him to bed shortly. She continued to carry on and I said to her:

"Two more seconds honey; just hang on for two more seconds and you will have what you need and all of this will be over."

I said those words and in an instant all of the scriptures that tell me to hold on and that He wont be long made perfect sense. To my little girl two seconds seemed like a life time; it was much longer than she wanted to be tormented. My little girl is a lot like me. I am being broken and although he tells me that my life is but a blade of grass...a vapor...when it hurts, even a vapor seems like an eternity...but He sees the big picture and just like me He knows, as my Father, that He will be bringing the source of my misery to an end and so as I call out to my four year old "two more seconds" He gently calls out to me "two more seconds honey, I'm comin'...can you hang on for two more seconds?"

I love you Jesus, and yes...with your grace I can hang in there for two more seconds!

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Monday, January 19, 2009

A Great Quote - Oswald Chambers

4:11 PM by Christi Bowman

"Not often, but every once in a while, God brings us to a major turning point- a great crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest- our best for His glory."

~Oswald Chambers~

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

Predestination, Hell, and the Things I Think About:

10:19 PM by Christi Bowman

I have, for about twelve years, been interested in the predestination conversation. Predestine means to "limit in advance" or "predetermine". In the conversations I have been a part of, predestination has always been intimately linked with salvation; thus saying that God may have created some for salvation and some not.

Predestination has always seemed, to me, to contradict another Biblical concept that says salvation is for all who believe; yet it has also seemed to coincide with other Biblical concepts like objects of wrath and God hardened hearts.

I have for a while now considered myself, if predestination be true, one of the lucky ones; as I can recall witnessing several times in my life the miraculous hand of God with such force that I have questioned yet another Biblical concept, free will. This was all very confusing to me until I stumbled upon Romans 8 without coming to the passage with an agenda.

28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

As I read my attention was called to the fact that this verse was not saying that anyone was predestined for salvation but predestined to be conformed to the image of Jesus; and with other verses like Matthew 20:16 quickly coming to mind

"For many be called; but few chosen"

it seemed to me like predestination was more about a higher calling than who gets into heaven and who does not.

I suppose it helps the smoothing out of my interpretation of concepts like predestination that I am more and more everyday coming to a very unorthodox interpretation of hell, but with verses like:

I Timothy 4:10 (NKJ) because we trust in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of those who believe.

Matthew 22:10 (NKJ) The kingdom of heaven is like...those servants went out into the highways and gathered together all whom they found, both bad and good. And the wedding hall was filled with guests.

2 Cor 5:19 (NKJ) that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

Ephesians 2:17-18 (NKJ) And He came and preached peace to you who were afar off and to those who were near. 18 For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father.

and passages like:

I Cor 15:20-28 (NKJ)
20 But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 21 For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. 22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. 23 But each one in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, afterward those who are Christ's at His coming. 24 Then comes the end, when He delivers the kingdom to God the Father, when He puts an end to all rule and all authority and power. 25 For He must reign till He has put all enemies under His feet. 26 The last enemy that will be destroyed is death. 27 For "He has put all things under His feet." But when He says "all things are put under Him," it is evident that He who put all things under Him is excepted. 28 Now when all things are made subject to Him, then the Son Himself will also be subject to Him who put all things under Him, that God may be all in all.

Romans 2:14-16 (MSG)
When outsiders who have never heard of God's law follow it more or less by instinct, they confirm its truth by their obedience. They show that God's law is not something alien, imposed on us from without, but woven into the very fabric of our creation. There is something deep within them that echoes God's yes and no, right and wrong. Their response to God's yes and no will become public knowledge on the day God makes his final decision about every man and woman. The Message from God that I proclaim through Jesus Christ takes into account all these differences.

I am beginning to wonder why when we read the first part of Romans 5:18

"Therefore, as through one man's offense judgment came to ALL men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man's righteous act the free gift came to ALL men, resulting in justification of life."

we preach that "all" speaks for everybody bar none, but in the second half of the same verse the word "all" is referencing only those who do things in the way and in the order we think they should be done (which seems to vary greatly from denomination to denomination.) Yet Romans 2 (above) says quite clearly that when outsiders follow the law of God by instinct that God, through Jesus will take into account all of those differences and their private response to God will become public knowledge.

It is not that I think that there is any other way into the Kingdom of heaven except through Jesus, it is only that I am beginning to think that how and when that takes place for some may be very different than anything the institutional church has imagined. It seems to me that there just might be an order (I Cor 15:22-23.)

For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. 23 But each one in his own order

and some people who thought they were going to get to participate in the things of heaven upon their arrival may just have to wait for a little longer than they had planned on the other side of eternity.

Matthew 21:31 Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.

Matthew 19:30 But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.

I have decided that I am going to have a very literal interpretation of Romans 14:11:

"As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God."

Since I have decided to take Romans 14:11 so literally, I am also going to have to take Romans 10:14 just as literally

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

So as I was reading today in Ephesians 1

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

The Spirit took me to Matthew 21:28

28But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard.

and I was reminded of Isaiah 5:7

For the vineyard of the LORD of hosts is the house of Israel, and the men of Judah his pleasant plant: and he looked for judgment, but behold oppression; for righteousness, but behold a cry.

And I have come to the conclusion (at least for now) that those who are predestined are the "limited few" or the "predetermined ones" that will work in His vineyard...and His vineyard is people.

I welcome and encourage your thoughts as long as they are respectful and full of grace as you remember that we all know in part.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Black Cloud or Freedom

4:49 PM by Christi Bowman

Similar to the arduous process of coming to terms with my alcoholism was coming to terms with the fact that I suffer from depression. Unfortunately I come from a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" heritage and so I struggle with even allowing myself to hit rock bottom. I am a scrapper and will do just about anything to prove that I can make it, and all by myself if need be. I have never had the outward appearance of depression because I have never afforded myself the luxury. There was no way I was going to allow myself to lie in bed all day, let the house get messy, or the laundry get away from me; and I would be damned before I let anyone out of the house unkempt even at the very cost of my most precious relationships.

As I was coming out from under the bondage of my addictions I would often talk to my husband about the dark cloud. It was only at the point I began experiencing freedom from it that I became acquainted with it at all. In the beginning, as I struggled between freedom and bondage, I was always painfully aware of my close proximity to the cloud. I was cognizant of how it would lie in wait for me, and I knew the cloud scoffed at my efforts to overcome it as it patiently waited for me to invite it to smother me once more. It took every ounce of strength I had, most days, to not succumb to the darkness of my own personal hell.

And then there was sweet freedom, but an end is always a beginning; and so it was for me the beginning of another awakening.

I have written recently about my struggles to just be a mother. Those struggles are painful, especially without the ability to numb the pain with the "proper" mixture of self medication (alcohol, shopping, running, sex, caffeine, and sugar.) In all honesty, I struggle with all people especially those who I begin to develop a real relationship with. I have allowed myself the guilty pleasure of ignoring this growing problem under the guise of being an introvert. There were days, hours, or minutes when I would experience freedom from it and it was in the midst of that freedom that I discovered another dark cloud. The dark cloud of anger and anxiety.

I have watched my husband react a few times to the irrational fear of claustrophobia. One day I realized that I was having that same reaction, internally, to people in general and those closest to me specifically. Internally I was pushing, shoving, kicking and screaming, as I was driven to remove myself from every and any situation. Because of the need I have to "hold it together" I do not allow myself to act out on my internal impulses in an irrational way; instead I would find myself being outwardly cold and sarcastic as I pushed the people closest to me away with my body language.

One night just a few days ago I did not have the power to hold in the internal war of anxiety that rages inside of me and I snapped publicly. A friend was sharing a personal struggle at our house church and the kids had reached an excruciating level of noisiness. I looked at my friend and he was moving his mouth but no noise was coming out. I was so hyper focused on the children that my skin was crawling. Everything in me wanted to stand up in the middle of the room and scream while smashing things to make people feel as anxious as I did but I knew I could not do that and so I abruptly ended my families time there by jumping up, quickly gathering together my children, and with few words leaving the house.

One of the families who witnessed my behavior came to our house the following evening to share a meal with us. The wife and mother of that family is a social worker and we happen to share similar childhood struggles. As we talked she helped me come to terms with the fact that I experienced a panic attack that evening. I would never have allowed myself to call it that, but I found that the medical terminology brought some comfort along with an explanation.

I had been giving that conversation a lot of thought when I received an email from a dear friend asking for prayer for her husband who suffers from depression. As she described, in his words, the awful blackness he once again felt coming for him, the Lord opened up my eyes to my own struggles and I began to describe them to my friend as I empathized with her and her husband.

I ended my email to my friend and went to help my son in the bathroom, and God immediately opened my eyes to the dark cloud and how I act when I am under it and it is upon me. For no reason other than the existence of bondage and oppression as I walked into the bathroom I was immediately irritated. That irritation stirred up an unspeakable amount of anxiety and I was momentarily angry in my flesh because I needed to help my son. I wanted to decimate his spirit with callous words of irritation to gain some relief for my flesh; but because of God's grace in that very moment my eyes were opened to the fact that my fight is not against even my own flesh and blood but powers and principalities that hate me and want to destroy me. I purposed in that very moment to fight the urge to be cruel and I acted in a very different way than I was being driven to act. I denied my flesh the relief it so anxiously sought and I immediately felt the freedom and power of God, and His revelation was poured into me because with testing, power truly does come.

With every choice I make I choose freedom or the black cloud, whether I realize it in the moment or not. Every flesh gratifying decision I make adds depth and depravity to the darkness. Denying my flesh the rights it so desperately craves and believes it is entitled to is the only way I can defeat this darkness that is after the abundant life that has been given to me. The power to defeat this darkness lies solely within me because of the power given to me by the Holy Spirit, but to defeat it I must make the choice to die and that choice is painful to my flesh because death is excruciating.

I once heard a speaker talk about the sons of God, who become the sons of God, who again become the sons of God and I liken that to going from one degree of glory to the next. Freedom from this struggle has begun and I am once again walking in the wide open spaces that were so familiar to me months ago. I am prepared this time, though, for the reality that as this struggle comes to an end so does the awakening of an even deeper one. Constantly dying and being reborn, that is what this life is all about!

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dignity, Honor, Tribulations, and Freedom.

11:26 PM by Christi Bowman

Romans 5:3-5 (KJV) we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

I came to a better understanding of the meaning of these verses as I witnessed them come to life this past Monday while I worked at potty training my two year old little boy.

Tribulations are pressures, burdens, and/or troubles. As an American living with all the comforts of the first world it is hard to consider my pressures, burdens, and troubles as tribulations but that is exactly what they are, and Paul tells me to glory in them. Other translations say to rejoice in tribulations, but when I looked up glory via Strong's Dictionary I found the words dignity and honor.

The words dignity and honor conjure up a much better word picture as to how I should respond during times of tribulation than the word rejoice does. I do not know how to rejoice when I find myself under pressure, but I can choose to have dignity and honor despite my feelings.

Being a mom is one of my greatest tribulations. Mothering is not a quality that I posses instinctualy. The Holy Spirit has given me the two words dignity and honor and He has been known to scream them in my ear when the pressures, burdens, and troubles of motherhood would have my flesh respond in unproductive ways.

I have three children and I have always found potty training to be the great stressor. To say that it is messy business is an understatement. You must be willing to let your child have an accident (or two or three) while not wearing a diaper so that your child will know what being messy or wet without the protection of absorbency feels like. It also takes a lot of time, energy, and creativity to keep your curious little one on the potty long enough for him to make an accomplishment; and the drama that must ensue (over and over again) so as to ensure that he will want to return and do it again is nothing short of absolutely draining. When does a homeschooling mother of three with an extremely anal tendency for neatness and organization have time for all of that?

That being said I purposed in my heart to cloth myself with dignity and honor in all my dealings with my son that day, and God's gift to me was the unveiling of the promise that is in the verses above. Paul says that glorying in tribulations worketh patience, and patience, experience, and experience hope; and hope maketh not ashamed because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost. To shed abroad is to spill, run greedily, and gush out.

To have dignity and honor during the times I find myself under pressure will work in me patience, and patience will work in me experience (which is testing), and testing will give me hope, and hope causes the love of God to run greedily and gush out in my heart and that is exactly what happened. As I sat on the floor entertaining my sweet little boy I saw him for the first time as God sees him. He was so sweet and innocent and full of love and I couldn't help but make myself as available to him as was humanly possible and I had for him all the patience in the world. For the first time it came easy. I didn't have to work at having dignity and honor it just flowed. I could for the first time naturally and instinctualy be the mother I have always wanted to be.

I was free!

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Learning to Love a Rebuke.

3:52 PM by Christi Bowman

I am an introvert through and through. I am not a people person. This character trait of mine makes life especially hard when two out of my three young children are extreme extroverts.

My oldest daughter is always on even in her sleep. When she wakes up she needs no time to adjust to the world around her; she is immediately ready to engage anyone in a lengthy conversation about anything that happens to be on her mind. Although I love my little girl I despise this particular attribute. I wake up early most mornings just to enjoy some solitude before her two big beautiful blue eyes pop open and search for me.

One morning a few weeks ago I failed to get out of bed early. She woke up earlier than usual and bore holes into my head until I could no longer stand it. I opened my eyes and they immediately met hers. "It is to early for you to be awake" I snapped. "You need to roll over, shut your eyes, and go back to sleep"

As I lay there in the silence I had demanded from her I heard God whisper to me "It must suck to be so completely attached to a person that constantly pushes you away" (Yes, in case you are wondering, God does use the word "suck", among other words, and it always surprises me too.) My heart stung as if my face had been slapped. I found myself resentful, angry, and a bit embarrassed. Don't I have a right, as my child's parent, to demand more sleep from her? I laid there for a few seconds and begrudgingly decided to lift my seemingly heavy arm and put it around her pulling her close to me.

She never went back to sleep and as we lay there snuggling I realized that I had been rebuked by God. I was reminded how a wise person loves a rebuke and a foolish person hates one. I knew in that instant that I had been guilty of being a foolish person and that I have hated rebukes for far to long. That was not the first time that this still small voice has whispered into my ear and tugged at my heart nor was it the first time that it had made me angry and indignant. My defense mechanism is to rail against it with my rights until I drown it out. But I see now that that defense mechanism is a strong hold and satan uses it to turn my heart bitter and angry. Once I choke out that small voice I stay angry at it and whoever caused it to speak. How dare it challenge me; I know what I am doing.

It is funny to me that before this I would have never attributed this particular still small voice to God, but once I humbled myself and listened to it I knew very clearly that it was and I knew that I had been ignoring it for longer than I care to admit. Now that I know that it is the voice of God, that still does not make it any easier to listen to or obey. It is quite humbling to know that God disagrees with a decision I have made in the moment and harder still to correct it right then in front of everyone. But the most eye opening thing to me is that I CAN correct it. Proverbs 1:23 says "Turn at my rebuke; Surely I will pour out my spirit on you; I will make my words known to you. " I don't have to harden my heart to His voice and demand my rights. I am learning that that is what it means to love a rebuke. It is recognizing what a rebuke is and having the humility to stop and make a course correction right then. Hating a rebuke is fighting against it with a fierce determination to have my own way. Loving a rebuke is taking its advice and letting it change my decision in the moment.

The Lord was not making me painfully aware of the fact that I suck because there was nothing to be done about it; He didn't want my guilt, my shame, or my anger. He lovingly made me aware of this situation so that I could stop sucking in that moment. He loves me and He wants to heal me so He rebukes me. It is up to me to be a wise man or a foolish one.

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Friday, January 2, 2009

Healing, a Set Up, and Healing Renewed.

7:24 AM by Christi Bowman

I attended a retreat, during the month of October, in Georgia. What I experienced there was nothing short of amazing. On my last night Jesus answered my request for a worship experience with Him that was unencumbered by my perceived limitations and He healed me emotionally.

As I got up into a sitting position my husband was there and I told him that I did not know how to live free from my feelings of being wronged and my hatred for those who had wronged me. I told him that I did not know how to live apart from unforgiveness, guilt, shame, anger, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. All of this had been taken away from me in a miraculous way and I felt happier and lighter than I ever had and I was trying to communicate this.

We got back into our car and headed home and less than 48 hours later I was set up by the one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy.

God has put some wonderful friends into my life recently and one of them was telling me about the insight God had given her into one of the several encounters Peter had with Jesus. When Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive Jesus tells him seventy times seven. Peter knows that it will be impossible for him to forgive that many times in his own strength; it is in that moment that he asks Jesus for more grace.

As I was finishing up my last post I began to wonder if my feelings of resentment towards the church did not come from a place of unforgiveness. I tried to justify myself, but I just couldn't shake this idea. I went to God and told Him that I feared that I may have unforgiveness in my heart. I told Him that I had tried my hardest, and that I had done all that I could do but the truth was that a recent situation had reopened some very old wounds and I was once again finding myself in a place where I could not trust the Church He loves because of His people. My friend's insight was brought to mind and so I held out my hand and I prayed for more grace.

Nothing happened in the moment. I was not at all suddenly released from bitterness. I did not feel a renewed sense of love nor was my freedom from this immediately restored. As I am writing this I am reminded of what Aslan tells Lucy in "Prince Caspian,"

"Nothing ever happens the same way twice."

The next morning as I was on my way to Rhode Island God revealed to me the truth of what was going on...He revealed to me the set up.

Satan was very aware that I had no idea how it felt to live in freedom from the bondage of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness was what kept me strong, it was my defense mechanism. It disabled my perpetrators, while I was unable to get away, from penetrating my heart and hurting me a second time. Hardening my heart against those who hurt me was a lesson I had learned from early childhood...it kept me safe.

Once Jesus brought freedom from all those childhood hurts and released me from the bondage of unforgiveness satan made sure that as soon as I got home he would have a situation waiting for me in which people would hurt me in one of the very same ways I had been hurt as a young person.

That sort of pain was all to familiar and it was all to easy to react in a familiar way thus binding me again to a sense of being wronged, to anger, and to unforgiveness. It was so subtle. As Jesus revealed this set up to me I sat back in amazement. He poured His grace into me and I was completely able and willing to absolve all the people involved. It wasn't there fault. I don't wrestle against flesh blood but against the spiritual forces of evil.

As I was able to absolve the people from this set up Jesus gave me a glimpse into His own heart. This is how He is able to forgive all people from the hurts they commit against one another. He doesn't jump in and smite the people who are responsible for hurting others, nor does He always protect those who are being hurt because in this fallen world we are all responsible for hurting others and we have all been hurt. He is able to see the bigger picture. He is able to see how we are all just flesh and blood and He knows that we are not where His fight lies. His fight lies in the very thing He defeated 2000 years ago and because He defeated satan we too can defeat satan when we realize that satan is where the fight lies and he has been defeated.

Romans 15:3
but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me."

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