Monday, December 29, 2008

I am Sorry...Please Forgive Me!

8:55 AM by Christi Bowman

A wonderful friend explained to me the cyclical concept of revelation, testing, and power. God reveals something, and then He tests you, once you past the test His power flows through you. The lives of Moses and Joseph are great examples of this idea.

My own life experience has shown me that these cycles can be both long and short. God has revealed to me that the way I treat my children is counter productive to their spiritual growth. He is now testing me in that, but I have not definitively past the test. Although He is changing me I have received little power in this area. This test is a long one.

However, I experienced a cycle this morning that lasted all of about one hour. God revealed to me how I judged a friend, and then He tested me by asking me to tell her where I had been wrong. It was hard and extremely humbling because I was still genuinely hurt, but I could see how wrong I had been so I apologized; and all of the sudden there was power, in abundance, to see just how deeply this attitude of judgment runs through me.

I looked up the Greek word for judge, and I got this:

kree'-no
Properly to distinguish, that is, decide (mentally or judicially); by implication to try, condemn, punish: - avenge, conclude, condemn, damn, decree, determine, esteem, judge, go to (sue at the) law, ordain, call in question, sentence to, think.

I put in bold letters the acts of judging that I have a severe problem with. I thought that to judge someone meant that you were questioning their salvation or deeming them unworthy of heaven. You can imagine my surprise when I found that I could identify with some of these behaviors.

I decide mentally why people do what they do. I draw a lot of my own conclusions. I am even guilty of determining before hand how someone will behave towards me before I actually give them the opportunity, and I call into question their nonexistent behavior. I allow myself to think in depth about how people have or how they will wrong me if I allow them the chance.

I am QUITE judgmental and I have been VERY unfair to the church!

I am sorry! Will you forgive me?

God has given me some insight into Himself that I am not sure all of Christendom will agree with. Another wise friend told me that God doesn't necessarily reveal the same thing to everybody; she told me that if He chooses to reveal a bit of His character to you that He hasn't revealed to others it is probably because it is very instrumental to your healing.

I like that.

The problem lies in the fact that I want to talk about this revelation of God's heart that He has given to me, but I am afraid that I will be dismissed, or worse...spoken harshly to or about. I am afraid that people will call me a heretic and I am afraid that that will shake my faith. I am afraid that people will tell me that God is not revealing His heart to me and that that is not His voice I hear. I am afraid people will tell me that those are evil spirits, without even giving me a chance to finish, and I am afraid of what that will do to my ability to hear God.

You see I was correct in my last blog when I admitted to elevating man to a god like status at one point in my life, and I do still put a lot of stock in what man says. I do not want to trust man or is thoughts over what God is telling me but if I invite man into my healing place I am afraid of what I will allow him to do to my relationship with God. Yet I feel compelled to talk about what God has revealed to me because I find it so wonderful and full of freedom.

So, rather that talk about it I mentally decide that the church won't hear it. I conclude that they will try and claim the authority over me that only God has. I determine that if they do those things my relationship with God will suffer because I will be to afraid of what I hear in the future. I call into question the motives of the church, and I allow myself to think and dwell on what I am afraid they will do before they even do it. Without even realizing it I have judged the church and condemned her...PUBLICLY...and so I repent of that and ask for forgiveness PUBLICLY.

My fears are not invalid...the church has done all of these things to me before. They did them to me as a child and just months ago they did them to me again, but as another wise friend pointed out to me: when those people do those things they are not the church. To be honest THAT is what I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. They are the church because they believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God and that is the only criteria, however when they mess up and they hurt me and others they are not being the church and no one can guarantee that situations like I have experienced in the past will not happen again.

How do I rebuild trust?

I don't know, but I bet it starts with acknowledging that I am guilty of the very same things I condemn. I am especially sensitive to Romans 2:1-4 today:

1-2 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.

3-4You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

I am afraid of how others will view me when they believe me to be wrong because I know how I view others when I conclude the same thing about them. In my heart of hearts, I know how easy it would be for me to come down on others publicly if I was in the majority and once again I shrink back in horror as I come face to face with my demons. I am a dark dark person with capabilities beyond anyone's wildest imaginations and I cringe because my darkness is in the spotlight now more than ever.

I am playing "Just As I Am" by Andrew Peterson over and over and over again today.

What's that on the ground?
It's what's left of my heart
Somebody named Jesus
Tore it to pieces
And planted the shards

And they're coming up green
They're coming in bloom
I can hardly believe
This is all coming true

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

All of my life
I've held on to this fear
Its thistles and vines
Ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared

It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine
(but He says that)
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

It's time now to harvest
What little that grew
This man they call Jesus
Who planted the seeds
Has come for the fruit

And the best that I've got
Isn't nearly enough
He's glad for the crop
But it's me that He loves

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me,
He loves me, He does
He loves me, He does

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Revealing of Christ to Me.

5:21 AM by Christi Bowman

Revelation - The speech act of making something evident
- communication of knowledge to man by a divine or supernatural agency

the Bible talks about Christ being revealed I have been taught and have therefor thought that those passages are referring to Christ's second coming. I have lived my life expecting to only see Christ after death. I am beginning to see that the revelation of Christ has little to do with His appearance later; and exponentially more to do with His heart right now. Christ reveals Himself to me today. I know Him intimately. He pours Himself into me; I know His heart.

I have found there to be a grave difference in who God reveals Himself to be and how "the church" has revealed Him. I have had to wrestle with this difference and the stark contrast between the revelation of God and the revelation of "the church" has blown me away. "The church" is made up of man, and without the constant pursuit and leadership of the Holy Spirit, man is dead wrong in his revelation of God! This puts me in a precarious position.

Man is someone I must deal with on a daily basis. Man is a constant forceful affront to my five senses and I find his invasion to be especially overwhelming when we disagree. God is spirit and He is gentle, however He is also very powerful. God is neither forceful, nor is He invasive, but He does have this uncanny ability to change my entire world view in one single whisper. His whisper alone is overwhelming, but there is no disagreement. This situation brings about a lot of conflict.

Man is flesh, man is tangible, and man is convincing. "The church" has always been made up of men, and many of those men have refused the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I find it hard to turn my back on the church's revelation because the church has been my truth, but truth obtained without reverence for the Spirit is no truth at all. And therein lies the tension that I find myself in.

It is hard to crawl out from underneath this heavy rock that is "the church". "The church" is the only truth I have ever known, but it pales to the truth of God when Christ reveals Himself. I have become painfully aware of my dependence on man for God. Man has been my god; he has been a cruel god and he is crueler still as I begin to wriggle from his clutches and into the hands of God Almighty.

This god I call man demands that I stay put, and this god dares to use the real God against me. But what this god doesn't understand is that, despite his efforts to keep me from God, God has found me and He has rescued me and I can't help but walk in His salvation. I cannot turn my back on His beautiful deliverance and settle for a cheap imitation that binds when the Real Thing sets me free. At times I find myself thinking that the imitation was safer when I believed in it, and I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that in those times I long for the comfort and the safety of my old god, man. But going back is not to be; for when I try to return I come face to face with how disappointing he really is.

I cannot return to "the church" because I am the Church! Wherever I go and whoever I am with and no matter when we meet Church is happening. It is not for me, right now, to take Church into "the church". It is the responsibility of some and I will not deny the calling of God in that, but it is not what He is calling me to. God is not angry with me nor am I boxing with Him. Matter of fact I would be operating outside of His will if I were to return, and it would make Him sad that I was unable to accept the freedom He was offering me from my old god "the church."

I understand that Jesus went into the synagogue and Paul "the church". They were men and they were allowed a public pulpit. But lets be clear, when they went in they fought religion! This is my pulpit, and from here I will fight religion. If, in another time and another place, God leads me back in to "the church" to fight religion in person than He will provide me with the means and the strength to do His bidding, but for right now that is not mine to do and to be honest I thank Him for it!

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Revelation Vs. Theology

12:00 PM by Christi Bowman

Has the Spirit ever whispered into your ear His revelation? You would know it if He had; it would have wrecked your theology!

My problem with institutional church is not with the people that attend; my problem is with its inability to acknowledge revelation. Institutional church, by its very nature, squelches the Holy Spirit. Institutional church, no matter what its belief system, is unwilling to consider that some of what it teaches may be off on a profound level and Biblically unfounded; and yet the Bible allows for human error in interpretation because it states that we all know in part (I Cor 13.) If the Bible predicts and accepts error in interpretation why doesn't the institutional church allow for different points of view within its midst? And by allow I mean healthy, open, and continuous dialogue and discussion without angry barrages, belittlement, and/or silence.

I am not saying that the people who attend institutional church are individually unwilling to discuss and at times acknowledge flaws in teaching and core beliefs. However, I am saying that collectively, as a group, the institutional church chooses to align itself with a particular theology for power and/or safety, and it refuses to change its theology even when pressure is applied via the Holy Spirit.

It is not wrong to interpret Scripture in the way you believe the Holy Spirit has whispered its interpretation into your ear. The Bible does not say that you shall know a Christian by how he interprets Scripture or by a Christian's doctrine. The Bible says that Christians will be known by their love and by their fruit. Is your interpretation of Scripture changing you to be more like Christ (Galatians 5:22-23?) God leaves room for error in interpretation; Why doesn't the church? It should not anger the members of an institutional church when another member is given an interpretation of scripture by the Holy Spirit that does not fit with the jive of that institutional church; nor should a different expression of faith other that what is considered "normal" be met with hostility.

What is normal?

God is limitless. Become what you believe (Matthew 9.)

We are the ones who place limits on God!

Why does it stir up so much anger, apprehension, and tension when brothers and sisters are able, through promptings of the Holy Spirit, to personally remove the limits on God that their institutional church has collectively and traditionally decided to keep intact? Removing limits stirs up such bitter emotions because the institutional church is determined and collectively able, with power beyond our understanding (Ephesians 6:11-13), to religiously defend the limits on God that they have chosen to place upon Him.

I will acknowledge that people's hearts, for the most part, are in the right place, but what I will not give most people is that their interpretation of scripture is a Spirit led interpretation given to them by God. I am not arguing that most Christians do not read their Bible, but what I am arguing is that most Christians only read their Bible from their denominational (or nondenominational) point of view. There is Biblical precedent for Jesus followers only being able to read and understand Scripture in the way they had been taught by man to do so, and their is Biblical precedent for the fact that reading the Scriptures in such a way blinded those Jesus followers from understanding Jesus' central purpose (Luke 24:13-35.)

Rob Bell makes this point beautifully in his new book "Jesus Wants to Save Christians"

"In Jesus' day, people could read, study, and discuss the Scriptures their entire lives and still miss its central message. In Jesus' day, people could follow Him, learn from Him, drop everything to be his disciples and yet find themselves returning home, thinking Jesus had failed. Which is a bit like walking with someone for hours, only to discover that you had missed who they really are the whole time."

It is dangerous and it stunts the spiritual development of Christians when they mold Scripture to their man derived theology. Only the Spirit, through Jesus. can open the eyes of men to the Scriptures, but we as Christians must be open and willing to let Jesus rewrite what we believe onto our hearts. If we come to the Scriptures arrogantly only to prove that what we believe is right and we refuse to listen, and be taught by God Himself, we will learn nothing of what the Spirit has for us, and the institutional church will forever be an intimidating place. Marilynne Robinson in "The Death of Adam" writes:

"We routinely disqualify testimony that would plead for extenuation. That is, we are so persuaded of the rightness of our judgment as to invalidate evidence that does not confirm us in it. Nothing that deserves to be called truth could ever be arrived at by such a means."

I have put a lot of thought into my decision to leave the institutional church, and my choice to end institutional church's influence on my journey has not been made lightly. I am not leaving because I think that the people who remain a part of the institutional church are wrong and that I am right. I am the first to admit that I do not hold the corner market on truth. I am leaving because of its unwillingness to change and its blind acceptance of status quo. I am not pointing the finger at any one individually. I hold responsible the monster that is group thinking.

I do my best to work out my salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12-13) and to work out my salvation I need to proclaim on the roof what He whispers in my ear (Mat 10:26-28.) That is one way I test the spirits (I John 4:1.) I desire for my proclamations to be met with love, understanding, and grace. I want to feel safe, protected, and encouraged to grow and change . I would like the church to be willing to acknowledge that we all know in part and to recognize that we should all be seeking sanctification all the time; I also wish that she would act on that recognition. Sanctification is growing and growing is changing. The institutional church is stagnant because of the few and the powerful and because of the many who just don't have it in them to put up the good fight alone...but then again our fight is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:11-13.)

I am done with the institutional church because it divides. Paul urges the church in Romans 16:17-18 "to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people." It is my belief that the institutional church does put obstacles in my way that are contrary to the teaching that I have learned from the Holy Spirit. I believe that it puts up divisions between God and man. I believe that it tries to usurp the authority of God in my life by telling me what is proper to believe and what is not. I have been naive for way to long. I believe that the Institutional church is serving its own appetite...its appetite to be right. An appetite to be right is a quest for power. A quest for power is the building of empire, and the building of empire is one thing the church should have never gotten herself involved in.

Paul tells Timothy, in 1 Tim 4:16, to watch his life and doctrine closely; in verse 13 of that same chapter Paul tells Timothy to "give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine." Giving attendance to something means to apply yourself to it. Paul was telling Timothy to apply himself to reading Scripture, to praying, and to doctrine, which is teaching; but apply himself to the teaching of whom? If, while you are reading scripture and praying, you are open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, you will receive your teaching from the Word which is Jesus and there is precedent for that. I John 2:27 says that we don't need a man to teach us because Jesus will teach us all things and Matthew 23:7-9 tells us to call no one rabbi or father.

The institutional church is full of wannabe rabbis and teachers of a man made religion that avalanches itself through generation after generation unchecked. This man made religion has been forced upon people and if the people have refused what the church has been selling then those people have been forced out. Where is the fruit in that? Where are the healers who draw the broken in rather than push them out? Where are the prophets who cast a clear vision of the hope of God's saving love rather than visions of despair? Where are the teachers who prefer to guide people in the discernment of the voice of God rather than push their own agenda? Where are the encouragers who would rather build people up as they process what the Spirit is telling them rather than tearing them down if it doesn't line up with institutional church doctrine?

Eugene Peterson eloquently paraphrases Jesus for the time in which we live in Matthew 23:4-7:

"Instead of giving you God's Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals. They seem to take pleasure in watching you stagger under these loads, and wouldn't think of lifting a finger to help. Their lives are perpetual fashion shows, embroidered prayer shawls one day and flowery prayers the next. They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and getting called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.'

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?!

We have created a situation where people only believe they are hearing the voice of God if what they are hearing lines up with the theology that we have taught them...we have limited God and truly created Him in our own image and that WREAKS of heresy. If God reveals His heart in Scripture to a person today and it does not line up with our doctrine than the voice of God becomes an evil spirit and the very people God has tried to awaken turn a deaf ear. I am done promoting that heresy in any way even if it just by walking through the church's doors. It is a scary day to hear the voice of God in today's church because although He may love her He is very angry with her! He is not in agreement with her and He is aware that He is not the God she serves nor has He been for a very long time!!!

"If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father, whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me. Though you do not know him, I know him. If I said I did not, I would be a liar like you, but I do know him and keep his word."
- Jesus (Matthew 8:54-55)

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Without Jesus, I Suck!!

8:28 AM by Christi Bowman

I started reading "Wrecked for the Ordinary" back in April. "Wrecked" is an online magazine, an e-zine. Its contributors have been wrecked, by Jesus, for the goings on around them...the ordinary.

One of the first articles I ever read on this e-zine was "Orphaned and Wearing Red" by Lorie Newman. She writes:

The longer I walk on this journey of faith with my Savior, the more I'm realizing just how dark my heart really is.

Over the past several years, even the "smallest of sins" that quite frankly I used to dismiss, seem to blink at my spirit like a fluorescent neon sign that sends immediate checks to the depths of my spirit. Secret sins that I used to tuck away without any remorse, I now have to bring to the light or they will eat me alive.

It's this process of spiritual transformation that is taking place in me... and it's an incredibly powerful change. I'm seeing with crystal clear vision that there is absolutely nothing good in me apart from Jesus... nothing. I've done so much in my life to disappoint my Savior. How many times have I, even as a Christian, given Jesus that "Judas kiss of betrayal" knowing what I was doing was wrong, and choosing the broad path anyway. I'll spare you the details of my past sins, and just say this. I should have been married in a red dress with a black stripe down the back. Can anyone relate?

When Lorie asked if her audience could relate I thought that I could, but looking back, I now know that I could not. Back in April I was still mentally dealing with the sin I could not dismiss; its fluorescent nature was to bright. In its wake I was blinded from feeling remorse for the sin that I could justify.

I am finding myself in that place today, and more often...and it is heart wrenching and painful. The sin that I have been able to justify is the "Judas kiss of betrayal." It is the sin that says I will follow you, Jesus, when I know I really won't. It is most assuredly my willing participation to "choose the broad path anyway."

And when I am lovingly rebuked by my beautiful Savior, as I was this morning by Philippians 2, I feel this sensation that I can only assume is like being punched in the gut. I want to vomit up the filth that I feel in my stomach. I want to hide my face. I want to say "But God I had my reasons!"

BUT I CAN'T!!!

I can't cleanse myself.

I don't get to justify myself.

That is not what He wants. That is not what He is asking from me.

He wants a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:7.)

And He has that!

I stand in agreement with David today in Psalm 51:4

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

And if anyone finds themselves relating with me I pray that you too will find the solace that I have found in Psalm 51.

Join with me in praying:

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ^[a] ;
you teach ^[b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are ^[c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Talking about Anger

9:24 AM by Christi Bowman

"Love is a Good Thing" Andrew Peterson
"It'll fall like rain on your parade, laugh at the plans that you tried to make, it'll wear you down till your heart just breaks and it's a good thing. Love is a good thing."

I am becoming new creation!

In all my life of growing up in the church this is the first time that this has happened for me. I grew up hearing about becoming a new creation. I did what I was told was necessary so that I could experience new creation. I earnestly believed that Jesus Christ was the Son of God. I said the sinners prayer growing up in a Baptist church. I was Baptized in the Churches of Christ. But secretly, I had to admit that I was the same old person with the same old problems. To be honest I have, at times, felt a little cheated. I wanted the promises of God, they sounded nice in theory. People told me that if I did the things above they would be mine, so I came to the conclusion that either God's promises were lame or I just didn't get it. I was a pretty good person, or so I tried desperately to be, but I knew that I had to fight with everything in me to be that person and even with all that fighting I came up embarrassingly short.

It was not until He came for me that everything changed. For the first time I am living and breathing the promises of Jesus. I no longer think they are bogus or allegorical, or not for right now. For the first time I have help, not outside help, but inside help. It is not easy. I am not finding it to be effortless, but the hearing of His voice changes everything! His voice not only effects my ears, but it effects my eyes and my heart as well.

In my car on Sunday I was listening to Andrew Peterson as I drove with my two girls to see friends I had not seen all year. I grew up with the people I was going to visit; being with them brings back many good memories. We live relatively far from one another and we have to many small children to travel the distance on a regular basis and make the trip seem worth it. This once a year get together means a lot to me.

The location of the party was at the new house of my old friend who lives in Wisconsin. The drive for me was going to be an hour and a half long. I failed to read the directions carefully and made a wrong turn pretty early on in my trip. That decision caused me to go an hour and a half in the completely opposite direction.

When I came to the conclusion that something might be wrong I called my husband and began giving him my location by street names. I had no clue what town, city, or village I was in. He couldn't tell me where I was fast enough and I began to get irritated. It was becoming glaringly obvious that I would not be seeing my friends and that made me very upset...and to top it all off I was lost. My husband was trying to figure out where I was, and when he began to give me directions back home without my permission I lost it. I was not ready to make the decision to come home yet! I yelled at him, swore at him, and then I hung up the phone on him. All of that felt so good because I was hurting so much from the disappointment of the day.

You may be saying "but wait, you started this post off by saying you were becoming a new creation, and that doesn't sound like new creation to me!" and that would be fair...you would be right... that is most definitely the "old" Christi...but what happened next was nothing short of amazing for me.

My youngest daughter was whimpering so I turned around to look at her and she had her ears plugged with her fingers. At that moment the "old" Christi, because of psychological reasons way to numerous to explain, would have been rage filled at the site of her scared and week looking little girl. "Old" Christi would have, with all the hostility in the world, gone down the list with her daughter as to why she had every right to be angry and she would have finished her daughter off with a how dare she participate in such a rude gesture...how dare she make her mommy feel bad. "Old" Christi probably would have said something stupid like "I never want to see you sticking your fingers in your ears again" and she would have most likely threatened to spank her daughter if she ever saw her doing it again.

I was angry, I was hurt, I was disappointed, and I was powerless to fix the situation. I have never learned how to manage my "I'm hurting" emotions. I have learned how to spew my resentment onto others to obtain a little bit of relief from all the negativity I am experiencing. However, when I looked back at her on this particular Sunday I was filled with a compassion that was not initially from me. I don't know how to feel compassion for anyone else when I am the one hurting, but on Sunday Jesus whispered into my ear that everything was o.k....He told me He laughs at the plans I try to make because He has eternal purposes and He uses disappointment to grow me up.

When I looked back at my little girl Jesus healed my eyes and instead of seeing someone week and pathetic that I could exploit for my own emotional gain He let me see and feel her suffering in the moment...her confusion...her fear, and instead of justifying myself He gave me the words to say that mommy was disappointed and mad but that it had nothing to do with her or her daddy. I explained to my little girl that it is alright to feel upset when a situation does not work out the way you thought it might...it is o.k. to feel disappointment. I let her know that although it was o.k. for me to feel those emotions it was still wrong for me to treat her daddy that way. I promised her that I would apologize to him when I got home.

As I was explaining this concept of being mad to my little girl I realized that my children did not live in a world where being mad was o.k. They have only seen me being destructive with my anger and when they get mad I get mad at them for being mad. Without knowing it I have grown up my own children in the same environment I grew up in. Adults are allowed to get mad and act inappropriately out of their anger but children are not. I am beginning to realize that if children are not taught about and aloud to experience anger and work through it they will not know how to deal with their "I am hurting" emotions and they will spew their resentment out on others, and the cycle will continue.

Jesus is an amazing healer and I am finding that He uses the worst of situations sometimes to bring healing, but the worst of situations are the same situations we hurry up and try and find solutions to ourselves. I am going to try to be better at accepting a bad situation for what it is and look for the blessing.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Me the Abuser; Me the Abused; Me the Abuser

11:07 AM by Christi Bowman

As I get older I am beginning to understand the gravity of statements like "everything changes." Whether I am ready for change or not, nothing stays the same for very long. People change, friendships change, relationships change...as do seasons of life.

I can look back and in retrospect see two very clear seasons of healing that God has blessed me with and walked me through. The first season of healing was for me as the abuser. When God came to march through the balsam trees for me I was abusing alcohol and every hobby I had the time for. He went before me and struck down my addictions. He brought with Him freedom. During this first season of healing He was empowering me and giving me the strength to walk through, face, and feel the next season of healing He had in store for me.

The second season of healing was for me as the abused. In this season I was able to come to terms with the abuse committed against me. The road I traveled on was treacherous at times and the air was thick. There were moments when I couldn't breathe and times when I thought I might not be able to continue, but God provided my strength.

Ezekiel 36:26-27 (MSG) I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed. I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.

God's promise to make me a new creation patterned after His Son, Jesus, the firstborn of many brethren is new every morning. I am a differant person, today, than I was just a few short months ago, but the process doesn't end with who I am at this moment. I am experiencing what it means to go from one degree of glory to the next.

I am entering into a third season of healing, and it is again for me as the abuser. In Jesus, I am no longer an abuser of alcohol or hobbies, however, in my anger, I have been and still am a very ugly abuser of people...especially my children. There is shame in admitting that, as this is not a season I have passed through yet...it is in its beginning stages and still a very real problem when I am not very intentionally focusing on Jesus.

I love my children. I don't want to hurt them emotionally or physically, but without God that is exactly what I do in my darkest moments. It is a very real thorn in my flesh. Something only His grace can be sufficient for. I must second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day intentionally choose to bathe myself in the thought of Him. The minute I take my eyes off of Him I quickly make the decent into my selfish world.

This world tells me that as their mother I have rights...rights to be alone, rights to my own body, as well as rights to theirs. This selfish world leads me to believe that I have the right to silence, the right to a clean home all the time, and the right to emotions that they don't have the right to have. When they begin to violate these rights (and many others) I am quick to decimate them emotionally and sometimes physically...I lash out in my anger, and then I am angry that I lashed out...but even that becomes cyclical as I can justify my lashing out as their fault...if they would just behave as children should then I would not have to get so upset. After all I am their mother and it is my job to "teach" them...if I have even taken the time to actually teach them at all.

This is a very painful season for me as I am coming face to face with the damaging behaviors I have been able to justify for years. The ugly patterns that I was damaged by are currently damaging the people I love most in this world, and I, without focusing on Christ, am completely powerless to stop it. There have always been rules, much like alcoholism, as long as I don't cross a certain line of obvious abuse than I am not abusive, and like alcoholism I cross that line once in a blue moon and it shocks me into the very ugly reality of just who I really am and what exactly I am capable of.

Without focusing on Christ I am no better than the worst of criminals...but because of the upside down nature of God's kingdom that I am a part of there is all sorts of freedom in that revelation. There is freedom for me because He loves me in spite of this monstrous attribute I possess, and there is freedom for the worst of criminals, those who have gone farther down this particular road of depravity, because He rescued me and He is rescuing them because our God is in the rescuing business and He is reconciling THE WHOLE WORLD to Himself. I believe this even when the state of our physical world says something quite contrary.

Hebrew 11:1 (ESV) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

2 Corinthians 5:19 (ESV) that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

LOVE

10:36 AM by Christi Bowman

I John 4:17 states that as Jesus is, so are we in the world and I John 4:9 states that God sent Jesus into the world so that we might live through Him.

The People, who we are in relationship with, who walk in darkness, can live through us as we live through Jesus. These friends and relatives can know the Father's love and the Father can know their love through us.

Before you write me off as a heretic; hear me out. I have had the privilege of experiencing this through another one of God's gifts to me, my husband. I have loved my husband passionately for 11 years now, but I have struggled with my love for God and with God's love for me.

In a book review, on Amazon.com, of "A Walking Prayer Among the Poor" James Calorient writes about the miracle that was Mother Theresa's purpose:

"to quench God's infinite thirst to love and be loved"

God gives us relationship, and the Scriptures are full of information on how those relationships should be managed if we live through Jesus. We are somebody's child, we are hopefully somebody's friend. We may be somebody's spouse and/or parent. Besides these naturally forming relationships God also tells us to seek out relationship with the widowed, the orphaned, the hungry, the thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the ill, and the imprisoned.

God gives us relationship and provides instruction for its management, in Christ, so that His infinite thirst to love and be loved might be quenched through us. God is Spirit, and to interact with the people He created and loves He needed and still needs a body. Jesus, the firstborn among MANY brethren (Romans 8:29), came first to reach ALL of us because we ALL lived in darkness. Some of us now walk and live in the light through the firstborn, Jesus, but what about those who still struggle in darkness? What about those who can't see Him for who He is? I John 4:17 says "In this world WE are like Him."

When we allow the love of Christ to love the people we are in a relationship with, through us, than we are a living sacrifice, like Jesus, and we are being used by God to quench His infinite thirst to love, and when those same people, whom Christ has been loving through us, love us in return, their love partners with us in quenching God's infinite thirst to be loved. This is what it means to be Light. I John 1:5 says that GOD is Light and in Him there is no darkness. Matthew 5:15 tells us that WE are the Light of the world.

For 10 years I could not love God or receive God's love, but I could receive my husband's love and I could love my husband in return. Because Kevin was committed to loving me as God put forth in Ephesians 5:25-33; he was loving me with the love Christ has for His bride. My husband could only love me that way because He lives and loves through Christ. Through my husband living and loving through Christ, God could love me through my husband. And, when I responded to my husbands love for me with love of my own I was loving Christ without knowing it because I was returning the love of Christ, alive in my husband, with my love. 1 John 3:20 (ESV) for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.

In that same way that my husband loved and continues to love me, through Christ, we can love ALL people, and those people will be actively loved by the Father. When they respond to God's love, alive in us, with love of their own they are loving God whether they realize it or not and they are living through us (1 John 4:17) as we live through Christ (1 John 4:9).

We have this kind of life giving potential, and that is why we are in so much trouble if we live our lives for ourselves, refusing to give it away. To love people, our parents, our children, our spouses, our friends, and the least of these with the love of Jesus is our one and only purpose, it is the gospel by which people are being saved everyday when we live it, and it is the gospel that people cannot see when we refuse its invitation to love.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Vows...and such...

11:39 AM by Christi Bowman

I sat through a service at Willow Creek Community Church a few Saturday nights ago and listened as Bill Hybles eloquently honored Mother Theresa. In honoring her, Mr. Hybles took the congregation deeply into this mother's vows, and then gave everyone present a chance to repeat those same vows at closing time.

The vows that I remember most were:

That she would refuse God nothing.

That she would obey without delay.

That she would love God like He had never been loved before.

I said those vows out loud and I meant them. As I left the building I felt bitterness creep into my soul. I began comparing Bill Hybles sermon to other "Take God out of the box" sermons I have heard many times before. People and pastors alike appreciate these sermons. The pastor feels like he has shaken things up and the people feel challenged. I believe it stops there.

It is actually quite scary to take God out of the box you have him in; if it is even possible for people to take Him out of their boxes at all. I propose that God takes Himself out of the box and we either refuse to follow or with child like curiosity we let Him lead. He does not lead us solely by sight if by sight much at all as I suspect that would lead to dependence on things or people other than Him and He is a jealous God. I have found that it is a blind faith type of leading that comes face to face with opposition most of the time.

It comes face to face with opposition because most people, pastors and fellow congregants alike are only comfortable when God is taken out of the boxes that they have already taken Him out of themselves. If it goes much beyond that people want very little to do with the box you have allowed God to remove Himself from.

Fellow Christians want you to refuse God nothing as long as it is in keeping with the things they have not refused God. They expect you to obey God without delay (and sooner) as long as it is congruent with the commands they choose to obey without delay. And they whole heartedly agree with the fact that you should love God like He has never been loved before as long as you acknowledge that everyone else including them loves Him in that same way.

I came across something in "The Shack" that I would like to leave you with. It sums up how I have been feeling...in a nice little box!! :)

"In seminary he had been taught that God had completely stopped any overt communication with moderns, preferring to have them listen to and follow sacred scripture, properly interpreted, of course. ...Nobody wanted God in a box, just in a book. Especially an expensive one bound in leather with gilt edges, or was that guilt edges? ...He realized he was stuck, and Sunday prayers and hymns weren't cutting it anymore; if they ever really had. Cloistered spirituality seemed to change nothing. ...He was sick of God and God's religion, sick of all the religious social clubs that didn't seem to make any real difference or affect any real changes. Yes, Mack wanted more..."

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