I've found myself addicted to many things that have hurt me spiritually, but with the help of an AMAZING God, a WONDERFUL husband, and a few good friends I am overcoming. I have what some people call an addictive personality, and I have heard it said that when one addiction is given up it can be quickly replaced with the next best thing that comes along...all I can say is I HOPE SO.
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Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tested Faith
11:05 AM by Christi Bowman
I read "My Utmost For His Highest", by Oswald Chambers, everyday. Quite often God uses his devotional to confirm something or speak into a current situation of mine. This came right when it needed to:
Jesus said to her, "Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?"John 11:40
"Every time you venture out in your life of faith, you will find something in your circumstances that, from a commonsense standpoint, will flatly contradict your faith. But common sense is not faith, and faith is not common sense. In fact, they are as different as the natural life and the spiritual. Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him? Can you venture out with courage on the words of Jesus Christ, while the realities of your commonsense life continue to shout, "It's all a lie"? When you are on the mountaintop, it's easy to say, "Oh yes, I believe God can do it," but you have to come down from the mountain to the demon-possessed valley and face the realities that scoff at your Mount-of-Transfiguration belief (see Luke 9:28-42 ). Every time my theology becomes clear to my own mind, I encounter something that contradicts it. As soon as I say, "I believe God shall supply all [my] need,' " the testing of my faith begins ( Philippians 4:19 ). When my strength runs dry and my vision is blinded, will I endure this trial of my faith victoriously or will I turn back in defeat?
Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it. Jesus said, "Blessed is he who is not offended because of Me"Matthew 11:6 ). The ultimate thing is confidence in Jesus. "We have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end . . ." ( Hebrews 3:14 ). Believe steadfastly on Him and everything that challenges you will strengthen your faith. There is continual testing in the life of faith up to the point of our physical death, which is the last great test. Faith is absolute trust in God- trust that could never imagine that He would forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5-6 )."
The walk, this relationship, gives me marvelous butterfly wings of freedom only to remake me into a caterpillar and again form a chrysalis.
God light is powerful and painful yet it is beautiful at the same time. It comes, sometimes, in the form a "house for sale" sign in the front yard. This sign, that sits mightily on my front lawn, has shed a bright light on me and has left exposed some very ugly and anxious traits. And God says "yep, I need to prune those." I find myself thanking Him for the sign, and for the fact that my house has not sold yet. I have been gritting my teeth and shoving my anger, anxiety, and apprehensions into the deep. I have slathered on a fake smile only to have my countenance change unmercifully as soon as I am caught off guard. He wants to take that.
He doesn't want my grim teeth gritting strength, He wants me to have the GLORY-STRENGTH that He gives (Col1:12). I don't know what that metamorphosis process looks like, yet I know that I am in the middle of it. I feel Him changing me. I believe last night, when I realized that I was doing it in my own strength and that I couldn't, but that I couldn't force the change either...that was my entrance into the chrysalis.
My for sale sign is on fire, but it is not burning. Exodus 3:4 says "when the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him." Maybe the fire was meant for Moses only, and maybe if their were other people with him they would not have seen the fire at all. My sign sits on Irving Park road covered in flames, and none of the passer by's see it at all. The fire burns for me. It is a Spiritual fire. It pointed Moses into the direction of a life change. Moses said "who am I?", and God said "I will be with you." Who am I to be characterized by gentleness? Who am I to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:5-7)?
I have been here before...a Spiritual de-ja-vu. In the past I have always chosen teeth gritting jaw clenching human strength. When it has failed, as it always does, I have blamed Him. I have shaken my spiritual fist and said "I tried. Where were you?" I hear Him now saying "I never asked you to try."
I have never given Him this part of me. Truth be told, I don't know how.
Who am I?
One thing I do know, I am NOT homesick for the old "jaw clenching" country. I am NOT going back. I am longing for a better country...a Heavenly one (Hebrews 11). It is time for change. Change me Lord.
I know that I know that I know that Christ lives inside of me, and I know what that means. I get it...I understand it. I know that He is our ultimate example, and through Him we can walk in His footsteps and live His life. His death made that possible for us, and it is a beautiful thing. Our life should look like His, and we sell ourselves short when we expect anything different for ourselves than His life. His shoes are NOT unfillable!
We CAN do this.
Why then when things get REALLY tough do I cave? I do it over and over again. I don't want people to quote Romans 7. I have read and reread that passage, and I don't think He was talking about the Christian walk there. In my opinion Paul was talking about life under the law. Living under the law created the tension of acting in ways that were not desirable. Romans 8 goes on to say:
"For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."
I want to live by the Spirit...I do. Romans 8 also says:
"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;"
I have experienced the peace of God, and I can call upon it, and find it, but let me explain my life right now. We have a house on the market...a freshly painted house with all of the carpets cleaned (that needed to sell yesterday in order for me to keep my sanity). Our three very small children are living in it. Two of the children are school aged (one should be in pre-school three days a week, and the other should be in second grade). I say they "should" be in school because I have decided to home school (for a plethora of reasons). I have all three children in the house all day long. The third child is two. The freshly painted walls have become a magnet for all things frustrating. The two year old has taken to driving his cars all over them, and I see paint chip as I walk in the room and catch him. The four year old walked around the other day spraying air freshener ON the NEWLY painted walls. Because we homeschool crayons and pencils now have to be on the table. I cannot keep the two year old away. He is quicker than lightening and has made a hobby out of coloring on the walls when I turn my head for a second. I cannot possibly keep my eyes glued to him. I blink, and he exploits it. My insides go NUTS when I see my kids anywhere near the walls, and I am NOT that mom. I can't stand having to be this anal, and I have not and will not talk about the cleaned carpets in the bedrooms.
I know that I Corinthians 10:13 says: "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyon the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." I also know that compared to watching loved ones die of AIDS, and the lack of food and clean water make my temptations and tests seem petty, but my temper is taking a beating. I have heard God speak into my temper MANY times. He has stopped me and helped me to see the other persons side before I destroy them with my words. Where is that voice right now? My last blog explained this generally, and I had victory over it today, but tonight, I saw my husband do something that looked to me like a lack of caring towards all my hard work, and I lost it. Where was the voice? I will STOP immediately when I hear that voice. I know what it sounds like and I have done what I have heard it say, and I have seen tremendous good come from my obedience. Why can't I hear it now? I need it...I can't do this without Him. I feel like CRAP when I loose my temper. I feel SO defeated. I feel like I haven't changed. I feel like my husband thinks I haven't changed...and worse my kids. What do my kids think, after I have apologized to them this morning, and told them that God talked to mommy and mommy is going to do better. I don't want to be a part of religous abuse. I don't want to talk about God in a huge way and then dissapoint them. My parents threw God around all the time and I had a front row seat to all their failures.
What it all boils down to is this: I read Phillipians 4:5-7 to the girls today,
"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I told them that I wanted my gentleness to be evident to all. I am a black and white person. I do NOT exist in grey. If Jesus lives inside of me and He is my ultimate example, than either my life needs to look exactly like His or I hang new curtains and go back to the comforts of alcohol (which is no comfort at all). Don't tell me I am being to hard on myself...that I need patience...these things take time. I don't have that kind of time. I need transformation power. Children, children the age of my own are alone.
It has become quite apparant to me that the last thing I "need" is for my house to sell. Matter of fact I now believe that my house absolutely will not sell until I learn how to be Philippians 4:5-7 while three beautiful children LIVE in it. When Christ moves in we die as the Jesus in us grows. I haven't died here yet. Christi needs to die right here. Therein lies a key to the Kingdom. Something needs to be differant. Something needs to change. I am not yet sure what that looks like. I know I can't fake it. I can't grit my teeth. I can't suck it up. Something inside of me must die...I must change. I cannot do this...He must do it in me....but we must dance. On the other side of this I will be different.
I was tested, and it took me a few days to pass. God is patient...AMEN!!! I have felt, these past few days, like I was going to break in half under the pressure of this test. I have not felt this overwhelmed, this angry, and this surrounded by so much darkness in a long time. There was no light at the end of this tunnel it seemed, and the only light I thought could come along was completely out of my control and the control of any other human. This problem to solve is God sized, and completely God's, and He is not in any hurry to "fix" it.
I have refused to wallow in fear and self pity...though I have succumbed to anger. I have put my shoes on albeit in the dark, and dug in. I have done what I needed to do, and anxiously awaited alone time with my Father. I got it Wednesday night. I worshiped for at least 2 hours. I opened my heart. I listened. I waited. I was reminded of the second part of Hebrews 11:6..."He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." I claimed that promise, and I worshiped with all my heart. As I worshiped He provided more and more music...and then He blessed me with His presence. His presence IS the reward, and there is NOTHING better. If we are waiting to be rewarded with the tangible we will not see the reward for what it is, and we will hurt Him.
There is now Light in the midst of my tunnel. Light, Light, and MORE Light. My circumstances have NOT changed, but I am NO longer groping around in the darkness of the tunnel. My tunnel is WELL lit!!
I have OVERCOME...Praise God!!
"To them God has chosen to make known...the GLORIOUS riches of this MYSTERY...which IS CHRIST IN YOU, the HOPE of GLORY." Colossians 1:27
A friend of mine calls relationship with God a dance...and it most certainly is. We must do our part. You can't hope to receive the prize unless you run. Put your shoes on and start the run. He will be your rear guard (Isaiah 52:12). He will put a skip in your step, and you may just find yourself dancing in the midst of certain trouble...trampling all over satan as you go.
"not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the GLORY-STRENGTH God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us." Colossians 1:11&12
Our middle child is something else. She is a free spirit. She is as beautiful as she is wild. We are crazy about her. Today we went to Roselle's first farmers market of the year. We found a booth being run by one of the local Churches. They had all sorts of little play things from Guatemala. They were selling these to help fund their mission trip in November. Our children congregated around the table. There was a particular toy that held our middle child's interest. It was a music maker of some kind, and she figured out that she would have to blow on it to make it work. We did not notice the first time she put her mouth on it, but the ladies behind the table did not miss a beat. They quickly told her no. no. no. We immediately told her she was not aloud to blow on the toy again. She lost interest in it for a while and perused some of the other items. Nothing else tickled her fancy, and soon she was back to the noise maker. She fiddled with it for a while, and then she did what she normally does...she made a bad decision. Our middle child, delightful as she is, likes to think that the rules don't apply to her. She believes she exists somewhere above what people expect. She blew on the noise maker despite the previous two warnings. Her excuse, she wanted to see if it would work. We payed for our oldest child's toy and walked away from the table. Our middle child was screaming by this point, as she began to realize the consequence of her action.
Consequences. I have always hated them. I have, in the past, seen consequence as the enemy. I don't know if I will ever relish consequence, but as my rebellious spirit is being renewed I can see the need for them. I can see why we are asked to rejoice in the Lord no matter what comes our way, and I can see the good in being anxious for nothing. We need to be taught. We do. No matter how far we have come, no matter how good we think we are...we can always learn more. Learning, real learning, comes by experience...and experience brings consequence.
Our daughter was mad all the way home. She screamed, she cried, she asked why. She tried to plead her case. She begged us to change our mind. I have confessed, on other posts, that I have been a screamer, but I have had a hard time when it comes to punishment. Because of my own hatred of consequence, I have had a hard time sticking to consequences given to our children. I have rarely doled out consequences for actions, and when Kevin has, in the past, I have always begged him to reconsider. God has slowly been working on my parenting skills as He changes me. I used to deal with the kids out of anger. Sometimes I would take something away quickly, and out of guilt for the way I behaved, I would want to give it back after I had calmed down. Many times my decision to not enforce consequences was made solely to assuage my own guilt. I thought they would forgive more quickly or like me more if I made a nice recovery. I acknowledge the selfishness of my behavior. It was in fact all about me, and not at all about the people they would become.
Today was different. I knew that the consequence was fair. As a four year old, she might have forgotten that we had told her not to blow on the toy, but she needs to listen. She needs to remember. She needs to obey. I was sad that she was saddened by missing out on the toy, but I knew this was a life skill she needed to acquire. I found that I was more sad as I thought about what her adult life would look like if she were to never acquire respect for authority. I know personally what that is like. I know what it is like to be rebellious. I know what it is like to live a boundary less life. I know the heart ache that ensues. I have had to learn the hard way. My hope for her is that she can learn this lesson in a safe and loving environment over the loss of a few trinkets. I saw that sticking to this consequence today was an absolute necessity...something that I would do because I love her, and want her to become the person I know she can be.
When we got home I held her in my lap, and we counted until she was calm. I thought about all the consequences of life I have had to endure. I thought about all the times I was mad at God for them...REALLY REALLY mad. I was convinced that my life looked and felt the way it did because He did not love me. Because of my consequences, I thought His love was performance based. I thought that I was always being punished because I didn't fit the bill. As I sat and held my daughter, I was sad because she was sad, yet I knew with everything in me that this was exactly what she needed. I love my daughter more than there are words to describe my love for her. He loves me more than that.I understood that everything I have gone through was because He loved me. As I reflected on my past I knew I wanted so much better for her than that. I know what she will become if we don't help her work out this rebellious streak she possesses. My job is to protect her, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't teach her obedience and respect. Withholding that toy was the best decision I could have made, yet there was no way in the moment she would have believed that, and it hurt me to do it. I could have been selfish and ended that hurt. I could have looked out for myself and made sure she liked me in the moment...but what would that and more decisions like that do to her future? Thank God He is not selfish with us. Thank God that He is not worried about how we feel about Him in the moment. There were times I threatened to give up on Him because of His treatment of me. Thank God He believed in the person I could become. Thank God He didn't take His hand from me. Thank God He kept pursuing me even when it hurt.
Hebrews 12:4-11 In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through-all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. It's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.
I was at The Bridge again, last Tuesday night. Jed Brewer, their worship leader, said something that resonated with me in a powerful way as he got up to lead worship for the last time that evening. Jed writes his own music and it is VERY powerful. The talk was on blaspheming the Holy Spirit, suicide, and the forgiveness of sin. The Bridge attendees pick the topics by anonymously asking questions and putting them in a box...they don't mess around. It was decided that the person, wishing to discuss these topics, was really asking if God would forgive his sin personally. Four different speakers got up that night, for 10 minutes each...as is the custom. They delivered their message based on this question. At the end of the evening Jed addressed the room...He said:
"some of us are afraid that God wont forgive our sin...but some of us are afraid that He will. We all know what it's like to suck. We can't help but suck. We don't know what it is like to not suck. We are afraid of what God will do with our lives once we really accept His forgiveness. We are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid to not suck."
God has been doing some powerful things in me and through me. Things that only He can do. I have seen the Supernatural occur MANY times in the last two weeks. This has made me feel uncomfortable even downright crazy at times. I have always wanted to experience God like this, on a regular basis, but when it started to happen I became unsure of my sanity. Once is alright...you feel blessed...even wowed...and a tad bit special...but when God is heavy upon you no matter where you go, and you see Him work in the moment constantly, over the course of two weeks and he uses your physical body to bring about His will...it messes with your physical mind.
He has been faithful, and He has given me scripture to help me deal with the spiritual reality of things. I have blogged about some... John 6:29, 12:36. These verses have helped me keep my sanity. He has also given me verses reminding me of who I am and why this has now become a reality for me. These scriptures are true for ALL of us, and if we would take the time to meditate on them we could ALL realize who we are in God, because of Christ.
John1:12-13Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God 13children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
John3:6-8Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' 8The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
I Peter1:22-25Now that you've cleaned up your lives by following the truth, love one another as if your lives depended on it. Your new life is not like your old life. Your old birth came from mortal sperm; your new birth comes from God's living Word. Just think: a life conceived by God himself! That's why the prophet said,
The old life is a grass life, its beauty as short-lived as wildflowers; Grass dries up, flowers droop, God's Word goes on and on forever. This is the Word that conceived the new life in you.
Christ is beautiful just because of who He is alone...what He did for us allows us to reach a potential that was not possible before His death. He died so that we could become who we were always meant to be. He sacrificed Himself for us so that we could experience what it is like to truly live. So many of us are NOT living. He did not die so that we could pew sit on Sundays and Wednesdays, sing a few songs, and go back to our homes and pursue the American dream. That is NOT what this life is about. We have the power to change lives...just by being...and not we ourselves...but Him through us. It is a beautiful thing and I have seen it happen more than once. We are meant for so much more. We waste our one and only life, our one opportunity to usher in our Saviour's Kingdom into the lives of others, when we sit on the sidelines of comfortable living pursuing the tangible things of this world that delude us into a sleepy type of safety. Have we missed that what we do now matters in eternity? What we live for, now, will make a difference in how we spend eternity. I have seen it.
I know what it is like to participate, only by His grace, in the lives of others. You have to trust His leading in yourself. There is no way around that. You must trust what you are hearing. That is faith. We walk by faith. God is a whisper. He is NOT loud. Satan will lie to you and make you doubt yourself. Satan is loud. That is where things become less safe. Your physical body is asked to do some strange uncomfortable things..things that seem foreign, weird, and down right presumptuous. The only way you can even begin to talk your physical body into doing these things is by knowing and believing whose you are...walking by faith, and telling God the consequences are His. He says that though in Romans 15:3 For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me."
I am learning the truth about Spiritual words and Spiritual food. Spirit words are spirit food and as your spirit reads the words it eats the food. This type of eating allows your spirit to grow, at times while you are unaware. You become aware of your spirits growth as you draw on its strength in the moments when you are asked to do the physically strange, physically weird...the physically impossible. I am finding that the more my spirit grows the smaller my attachment to the physical becomes. It is a beautiful thing, but it brings along with it a disconnected feeling to the physical. It is lonely sometimes to be human and realize your spiritual potential. People as a whole don't understand this. I know that God has forgiven me and loves me beyond any ability I have to comprehend. I know what that means. My life is being dramatically altered all the time. I have experienced, finally, what it means to not suck...I am going to trust in that...and I am no longer afraid of it.
I ended yesterdays post with a comment about former selves being barely recognizable as they live more and more in the Light. I have eluded to John 6:29 quickly becoming my favorite verse..."The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."
Last night we, as a family, played on our patio with moon sand. Our oldest noticed that some of the toys used to shape the moon sand into castles and such looked a lot like the orphan houses on her dad's map. She asked if we could make the orphan village, complete with school and church, and we did. Kevin snapped a picture of it and it may surface on his blog. The kids went in to eat supper and take their baths and I was left to clean up all the sand. And it hit me...like it hits me all the time. We are doing this. God uses things like moon sand, all of the time, to constantly keep His vision at the forefront of my mind.
I am not going to lie...I have a lot of questions. When I feel myself getting anxious I also feel God reminding me of John 6:29. His work for me is not to worry about selling the house or to worry about anything...my work is to believe in the One He has sent. That is not an excuse to sit around and let things happen...it is to trust in what He guides me to do. He lives inside me and I have died to myself. I have to trust, that as I renew my mind with His word, that my thoughts are no longer just my own. Strange things have been happening to me...some stranger than others...but I have to trust in those. He puts rooms of my house in my mind...things I need to get "more organized". I start to organize and when I am done I have found the room in a box or very easily put in one. WE ARE MOVING. That is becoming very real to me, and I don't worry about it...it just happens.
This is what John 6:29 means to me...believing on the One He has sent doing his thing on the inside of me. Believing on the One He has sent means believing on the One inside of you...in essence believing in yourself once you have died. That is not just giving yourself the o.k. to do whatever hurtful thing you want to do, but it is trusting in the fact that once you have died you have died...and what you are being driven to do is what you need to do...keeping in mind Romans 6:16(MSG) You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act.
Romans4:20-25 says this about Abraham: He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God.
John 12:36 As you have the light, believe in the light. Then the light will be within you, and shining through your lives. You'll be children of light."
"As you have the light, believe in the light"...As Jesus gives you things to do, say, and hear, BELIEVE...do, say, and listen to them...and He will be in you, and shine through you..."You'll be children of light" Right now I am hearing that this is what it means to be justified.
I was abused. I don't say that so that people can feel sorry for me. I am NOT a victim, and I don't use it as an excuse for behavior. I do think that it has earned me the right to comment on abuse without being called cliche.
I have spent most of my life making excuses for my abusers. I have told myself and others that it wasn't all that bad, that people have experienced much worse than I did. God was tired of that. He walked me through it so that I could have a better understanding of it's ramifications. It was that bad.
I have heard that not all abused people go on to abuse, but of the people who do abuse, 99% have been abused. That statistic is saying that people who do abuse have been abused. I have also heard it said that you form the majority of the opinions you have about the world and about yourself by the age of 5. Five and under is when a lot of abuse takes place. Children, at that age, don't have much of a voice. When they do talk, they can not put into words what is going on, and they do not know how to fight it when people don't believe them. If abuse is what you knew when you were forming the bulk of your opinions about yourself and the world, then that will have to play itself out in some form or another until you experience healing from it. It is what you knew. It was your normal. It is how you relate, even when you are unaware...especially if you are unaware. I know what it is like to have an idea of what has happened to you, to know that it was not right, and to realize it was your most painful life experience and yet still come face to face with your own thoughts about abusing others. Powerfully scary thoughts. I know what it is like to believe that those thoughts are yours and coming from you. I know all about the confusion, the anger, and the compounding guilt that scenario produces.
God gave me an insight into how Satan works one day. Part of the reason why I drank was because satan kept telling me I was nothing. He made me believe that everyone else held this same opinion of me as well. I did not give satan the credit he deserved for all of this until God exposed him to me. I thought that it was me that thought I was nothing, and I was convinced that everyone around me thought the same thing. I had awful tapes playing in my head all the time. Those tapes would play things like "You are so ugly...you are so fat...you are the biggest idiot...you are a loser...you are dumb...you have no right to say anything to anyone...you shouldn't even open your mouth. People laugh at you when you walk away...people hate when they see you walking towards them. People pretend to like you to your face...really you bother them and they can't stand your existence." These are only a few of the things I thought I was telling myself. These are some of the nicer things I heard on a daily basis. I lived for the weekends when I could drink and not hear them. When I could enjoy people's company and not be plagued with how they really thought of me. I believed that if I hid myself in alcohol people would never find out who I really was. They would not be able to dislike me and hurt me. I was a rock...I was an island...and my moat was alcohol.
I have talked a lot on this blog about God having to pull me away from the alcohol first before He could heal me...and that was very painful...letting that go. However, having to deal with how I saw myself and how I believed people saw me is one of the ways God revealed how satan works. After I quit drinking I was having one of my episodes where I was beating myself up, and I was believing that others were beating me up as well. I had just come from a group of people and I couldn't stop the voices in my head from telling me what an idiot I was and what a fool I made of myself. I was practically hyperventilating over things I had said...going over my words again and again...analyzing everything. I was paralyzed by fear...wondering if giving up drinking was worth all this pain...and then God opened up my spiritual ears...and all of the sudden all that name calling took on a scratchy evil hateful voice. It was not my voice saying all those nasty things to me. I knew immediately who it was...it was satan, and I knew he HATED me with a hatred that I had never felt before. I knew right then and there that I did not hate myself and others didn't hate me either. He has not come at me in this way again, and the ability to hear him for who he is has not left me altogether either. When he attacks it is not as profound as that moment, but I am well aware that it is his thoughts and not mine.
This is a long post and I apologize. I needed to explain how satan works to elucidate seeing abuse as a fight against "spiritual forces of evil and not against flesh and blood."
I did not realize I had a bad temper until I had kids of my own. Sure I would get mad at my parents, and we might have a fight when I was younger, but I was pretty easy going. Nothing fazed me. By the time I had my own kids I had lived away from my parents for 6 years...married for 3 of them. Kevin and I never fought, and I never fought with anyone else. If people bugged me I just chose to not be around them...I never felt the need to confront anyone, or change their behavior. Things like that were a none issue. Once I had kids though I was confronted by a very ugly side of myself that I did not like at all. Some of it, I was told, was normal...but they couldn't see on the inside of me. I didn't like what I was feeling. It wasn't normal, and I couldn't walk away.
As first time parents we had a difficult first baby. She never slept...EVER. I was up ALL night, and then she would nap for 30 minutes 1 time during the day. She cried ALL THE TIME. I was beside myself. Kevin had to get up early for work, and in those days he had a long commute. I could not in good conscience make him get up with the baby because I feared for his life in the car at 6 a.m.. I understood why moms shook their babies, and I repented of judging them. I never did it, but sometimes I would hold her away from me and imagine it. I never expressed any anger towards her physically, but my anger never went away, and I found my anger carrying itself over into other days, and building on itself until I resented her.
As she got older she got a little better, and I learned how to stuff my emotions. I loved her I really did, but I had a lot of guilt. We had a second baby, and she was an angel. She slept all the time. I didn't have the same issues with her until she hit 15 months and I got pregnant with our third. Our second became a tornado. A good friend who watched her for us for a couple of days called her the tsunami. She was a literal hurricane...and a VERY destructive one. My anger started surfacing for her as well, and I couldn't get rid of it either. I loved my kids and their were MANY good times and fun moments with them...still I always had this nagging anger and guilt over it. I would blow up very easy. I saw the fear in my kids eyes when I would yell at them. Their eyes would haunt me and bring me to tears after I tore them apart with my words and slammed the door. I refused to spank them because the only time I wanted to spank them was when I was angry and I was afraid of what I would do...I was SO afraid of this anger. This was another reason I loved to drink on the weekends. I wasn't angry when I drank. I was giddy. I could care less if the 3 year old tornado came through the house after I had cleaned it. I could care less about anything. I could sit and cuddle the first born like she always wanted me to...I had time to sit, drink my wine, relax, and not care about a thing. Alcohol calmed my demons...that was why it was so addicting.
God has explained a lot and restored so much more. I say all this because I know what it is like to have horrible thoughts...thought that aren't yours but sound the same as your voice. I know what it is like to be completely convinced that you are solely capable of pure evil, without giving any credence to powerfully evil forces. What if you are Bitana's dad? What if you are in a far less healthier place than even I was. What if the voices in your head tell you to shake the baby and out of frustration and lack of education you do it? What if they tell you in your anger to throw your kid across the room and you do it? I have heard those voices. I know the release you can get, even if only for a second, by verbally berating a helpless child. The forces of evil are powerful. They allow for an instant gratification when you do something abusive. If you don't fight it, that feeling of gratification will spur you on to more abuse. Some people will not be able to understand this but it is REAL. What if in your angry stupor that feeling of instant gratification is the only "good" feeling you have felt all day? Anger feels good. What if you keep it up because you hate yourself and everything around you and the only thing that makes you feel anything good at all is that second of release when you no longer fight the voices? What if giving in spurs you on to more anger and you get so angry that when she vomits from the abuse, you make her eat it...going further somehow makes you feel better while you are doing it. While you are under its power, it will render you powerless to stop...that is the power of evil...and that is why our struggle is NOT against flesh and blood. Bitana's dad hates himself...he has to. It may look different then the self loathing I had for myself, but he can't participate in that abuse and see the things he sees without being in one of the darkest prisons known to man. I can only begin to fathom the pit he is in.
I can only begin to fathom the pit, but I believe there in lies the starting point to hating the sin and still being able to love the sinner. The sinner needs our love to change. It is evidence that there is a God in the midst of this evil world, and that evil does not negate his existence or lack of love. The proof of His love is that He came down and did something about it...and we don't have to live in that pit any longer.
God has given me an excellent ability to see my face in the people who do the wrong. I do not see big and little sins. I am not giving them excuses, but there is hope. I know this because there was hope for me. I was constantly on the edge of something, and I was very fearful of the day I would no longer be able to fight it. That is why my drinking got worse and worse. I trusted in it to make me the person I desperately wanted to be, but in true satanic form it was beginning to fail me as well. The Bible says to always be ready to give a reason for the hope that is in you...and that is the hope that is in me...the hope of restoration. I know what it is like to be scared of who you are, and I know that because of Jesus you don't have to be that person. It is slavery that makes us that...and we don't have to be slaves. That was beaten and finished a long time ago. The hope is, that we can be transformed and our former self barely recognizable, when we live in The Light.
Bitana (2-1/2) arrived at Cicrin 3 months ago from another orphanage. Helen (the director) told me that her parents were both drug users. Her mother left her with her father when she was very young. Her father would brutally beat her until she would vomit. He would then make her eat her vomit.
After that glimpse into Bitana's life I humbly asked God why, and He gave me Romans 8:18, Ephesians 6:12, and Revelations 21:5.
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Revelations 21:5 "Behold, I am making all things new...these words are trustworthy and true."
These verses were very comforting to me. God let me know, that although Bitana, and other children like her, suffer unimaginable horrors all over the globe, He is making them better. The love that He is lavishing and will continue to lavish on all abused children will erase all the unspeakable atrocities they endure. God let me know that Bitana's father, a person made in His image, was not created to terrorize anyone. Evil has overtaken Bitana's father for reasons unknown to us. He reminded me of where my anger needed to be placed if it was to be constructive. I am to hate the powers of this dark world, not the individual who has been overtaken by them. In Revelations He reminded me that He is fixing everything, and even a man like Bitana's father is loved by God and his actions are being redeemed. God told me I could believe all of that because His words are trustworthy and true.
A verse that is QUICKLY becoming my favorite is John 6:29:
"The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."
I am beginning to wrap my mind around the fact that believing in the One God sent encompasses so much more than believing on what He has done for us...it is believing on Him...and what He is doing on the inside of us and in the world we live in. The Bible mentions several times the faith of Abraham. Abraham's faith in God's promise is what enabled him to become a father (Hebrews 11), and it is our faith in Him, who makes all things new, that will allow us to see that He really is making all things new despite the reality of stories like Bitana.
We mustn't bog ourselves down by Calling God to the rug. We can't demand answers and issue ultimatums. Our job is to look past the reality we see with our physical eyes and believe on the One God sent. We must believe in His promises. We must believe in who we are because of Him. We must believe that He is changing reality, and He is using us. We must believe that He IS making ALL things new.
God has done a remarkable transformation in me. He has physically walked with me from darkness into light, and has let me participate in what He is doing in the world. He has already used me, on several occasions, as His instrument. I know what it is like to be high, and there is no better high than God allowing you to participate in His work. You don't need to eat, or sleep, or worry about meeting any physical need when God uses you.
We are more like Jesus than we think. I Peter 1:23-25 (MSG) says:
Your old birth came from mortal sperm; your new birth comes from God's living Word. Just think: a life conceived by God himself! That's why the prophet said,
The old life is a grass life, its beauty as short-lived as wildflowers; Grass dries up, flowers droop, God's Word goes on and on forever. This is the Word that conceived the new life in you.
When God calls us to die we are re-seeded. Our spirit is CONCEIVED by God. Jesus was conceived by God. Every part of Jesus's life, even His conception, is an example of what happens to us and what we have the power to do in our lifetime.
Ephesians 4:15 we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ."
Our new life is conceived by God, like Jesus, and we are to grow up in every way into Him...into Christ. Those are powerful words. Do they make you stop and think? Do you actually want your life to look like His? It is what you signed up for when you died...or have you? Do you even want to now? Are you glad you did? We are told that the only way to find our life is to loose it. God knows what He created us to be. To have your life look like Jesus's is the only way to be truly happy...everything else will leave you empty and wanting more, because it is not what you are created for. We were not created to live like the world...to look like the world...but too many of us do.
Jesus, our supreme example, said Himself in John 5:30 "By myself I can do nothing." Jesus was powered by God and so are we if we are His. It is what makes His life possible for us. Why aren't we living like this?
Ezekiel 1:4-21 4 I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north-an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal, 5 and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was that of a man, 6 but each of them had four faces and four wings. 7 Their legs were straight; their feet were like those of a calf and gleamed like burnished bronze. 8 Under their wings on their four sides they had the hands of a man. All four of them had faces and wings, 9 and their wings touched one another. Each one went straight ahead; they did not turn as they moved.
10 Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a man, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle. 11 Such were their faces. Their wings were spread out upward; each had two wings, one touching the wing of another creature on either side, and two wings covering its body. 12 Each one went straight ahead. Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, without turning as they went.13 The appearance of the living creatures was like burning coals of fire or like torches. Fire moved back and forth among the creatures; it was bright, and lightning flashed out of it. 14 The creatures sped back and forth like flashes of lightning.
15 As I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the ground beside each creature with its four faces. 16 This was the appearance and structure of the wheels: They sparkled like chrysolite, and all four looked alike. Each appeared to be made like a wheel intersecting a wheel. 17 As they moved, they would go in any one of the four directions the creatures faced; the wheels did not turn about as the creatures went. 18 Their rims were high and awesome, and all four rims were full of eyes all around.
19 When the living creatures moved, the wheels beside them moved; and when the living creatures rose from the ground, the wheels also rose. 20 Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, and the wheels would rise along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels. 21 When the creatures moved, they also moved; when the creatures stood still, they also stood still; and when the creatures rose from the ground, the wheels rose along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
As I sat and watched this with Ezekiel, the day I read it, I got the profound impression that we are supposed to be like the wheels. I think the living creatures are representative of Jesus...they are heavenly beings....they did nothing without the spirit of God (John 14:10&11). The spirit of the heavenly beings (God's spirit through the creatures) kept the wheels in complete motion. The wheels did NOTHING on their own. "Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, and the wheels would rise along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.21 When the creatures moved, they also moved; when the creatures stood still, they also stood still; and when the creatures rose from the ground, the wheels rose along with them, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels."
We have the Spirit of Almighty God in us when we choose to die in the waters of Baptism. Romans 6 PROMISES this. We know that the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God that was in Jesus (John 14:20). That Spirit made Jesus who He was, and it is making us as well. Our responsibility is to just be wheels.
As we all know this is harder than it sounds...but only when we let this world and its ideas cloud our clear thinking. I like the song "Somewhere in the Middle" by Casting Crowns.
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
To be wheels we HAVE to give up ALL of OUR control. We must give up our picket fences, and our common sense. We MUST step OUT of the safety of the shallow end. We MUST trust the Spirit of Almighty God IN us outside of ALL of our comfort zones. We HAVE to recognize the God who IS...not the one we want. We will all know EXACTLY who He is one day, and from what I read of Matthew 25 and Matthew 7 it is MUCH better to recognize WHO He IS and what He expects of His people THIS side of eternity.
I am convinced that Christianity is NOTHING to play at.
God MUST be your One and only teacher If you are ever to understand who you are in Him.
9:28 AM by Christi Bowman
When you come to the Bible you have to be willing to let God's Spirit interpret His Words to Your Spirit. Only when you truly allow Him to speak to you will you ever know who you are in Christ.
You can't come to God's Word with preconceived notions and ideas. You are not allowing Him to speak to you when you think you know everything or have been taught everything by people you believe are more spiritually minded or more educated than you. Matthew 23: 8 says:
"You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do."
Your church cannot interpret the Bible for you, nor can your church camp. Your Bible class teachers can't do it nor your Sunday School teachers. Your ministers can't. Your elders and deacons can't. Your denomination, or the lack there of, cannot tell you how to interpret the Bible.
No one can interpret God's Word to your spirit but God's Spirit...the Holy Spirit Himself. When you allow Him to, you will understand who YOU are. You will understand what YOU are to do with your one and only God given life here on this earth. You will know the truth.
John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.
John 16:12-14 "I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. 1But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.
It's easy to know how your body feel's, whats going on in your mind, and what emotions you're experiencing. However, your spirit is much different. It cannot be accessed in any natural way.
John 3:6 says,
"That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit."
Jesus meant that there's no direct connection between the spirit and flesh. They are interrelated, but spirit is spirit and flesh is flesh. You simply cannot contact your spirit through your five senses or through your mind, will, or emotions. Therein lies one of the great problems of the Christian life!
If you don't understand that spiritual reality can't be felt, then you'll be confused when God's Word declares that you have the same power that raised Jesus from the dead living in you (Eph. 1:19-20). If you think truth can be discerned through your natural senses, you'll be baffled when the Bible says you're a brand-new creature who can do the same miraculous works that Jesus did (2 Cor. 5:17 and John 14:12).
The apparent disparity between your natural experiences and God's Word will cause you to throw up your hands in frustration and conclude, "It must not be true." It's understanding spirit, soul, and body that unlocks the spirit realm so you can experience who you are and what you have in Christ.
In the natural, the spirit realm can’t be seen or felt; the only way to accurately perceive spiritual truth is through the Bible. Simply take God's Word and believe it!
Jesus said in John 6:63,
"It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life."
God's Word reveals spiritual reality. If you want to know what your spirit is like, you must find out from the Word, not rely on emotions or other perceptions. God's Word is spirit and life! When you look at your face in a mirror, you aren't really seeing yourself; you're viewing a reflection. Even though it's only a reflection, you have learned to trust it and act on what you see. God's Word is just like that mirror: it reflects perfectly who you are in the spirit.
"For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therin, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed”"(James 1:23-25).
You must look into God's mirror and trust the spiritual reality you see! It reflects your new born-again spirit, your innermost part. However, it does not reflect your body or your soul.
