Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Blessed Are The Poor In Spirit, For Theirs Is The Kingdom Of Heaven.

6:28 PM by Christi Bowman

A few weeks ago, out at Rockford Christian Camp, I listened to Park Forest's youth minister, Stephen Lamb, speak at campfire Tuesday night. He told Tony Campolo's story of the Hawaiian prostitute, Agnes. As he told the story God said to me "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" I mulled that over a bit as campfire was wrapping up. If God was telling me that people like Agnes are the poor in spirit, and that theirs is the Kingdom of heaven then what was he telling me...what did that mean?

I went back to our camper and he sent me to Matthew 25. Matthew 25 is the famous "least of these" text. It sums up what it means to be poor. God told me to apply hungry and thirsty, stranger and naked, sick and in prison to the spirit and I would have what poor in spirit meant to Him. Being hungry and thirsty in your spirit, being a stranger and naked in spirit, and being sick and in prison in your spirit usually doesn't make a person one of society's most esteemed...yet God says theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. He then took me to Matthew 19:30 "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." He knew I was confused and He spelled it out for me. I don't know how He is going to work everything out, but that is none of my business. He made it clear to me how he feels about prostitutes.

I read "My Utmost for His Highest" everyday, by Oswald Chambers. One that I have read recently is "Am I blessed like this." That particular devotional talks about how profound it is when Jesus speaks into a situation with a Beatitude.

"We soon find, however, that the Beatitudes contain the "dynamite" of the Holy Spirit. And they "explode" when the circumstances of our lives cause them to do so. When the Holy Spirit brings to our remembrance one of the Beatitudes, we say, "What a startling statement that is!" Then we must decide whether or not we will accept the tremendous spiritual upheaval that will be produced in our circumstances if we obey His words. That is the way the Spirit of God works. We do not need to be born again to apply the Sermon on the Mount literally. The literal interpretation of the Sermon on the Mount is as easy as child’s play. But the interpretation by the Spirit of God as He applies our Lord’s statements to our circumstances is the strict and difficult work of a saint."

We sang a song in church, not one of my favorites, but the words made me think. The song was "No Tears". The God who has revealed Himself to me, the God I am getting to know better and better every day, He has shown me a thing or two about His capacity to love. My God is not going to end the world and end sadness until every last one of His sheep are in His protection. I don't know what that means...I don't know what that looks like. I do know that the God who wouldn't let me rest until I had bought dinner for the prostitute in Chicago last night won't rest until all the prostitutes...all the broken people of the world are at rest in Him. The reason I know this is because He says "THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN" and in Revelation 21 He calls His words "trustworthy and true". There won't be any death, suffering, crying, or pain in heaven (Revelation 21:3-5), because their isn't an end to this world...there isn't a heaven for us until we, as the body of Christ, redeem this broken world. WE are to bring the Kingdom of God to this place. We are to fill the earth and SUBDUE it (Genesis 1:28). Not hide in our churches. He won't dry our eyes because His own aren't dry. There IS sadness in heaven right now and there will continue to be until Heaven belongs to the poor in spirit. Until the poor in spirit get to rest in Him FIRST. Until they get there on the back of the body of Christ...US.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

On the Way to The Bridge.

11:32 PM by Christi Bowman

I don't know what will come of this experience. It was exciting to hear God's voice tell me, in the moment, to be His hands and feet to another person. It was amazing. I felt God's love for someone else through me. It was profound. I had to cry afterwards. I felt all of His love towards a very broken person. I acted on it, and invited her in for more, and I had to watch her refuse the more and walk away. That hurt. But I did what He said and through all of that hurt I felt his love for me too. He was proud of me. I want to do it again!

Kevin and I go to The Bridge every Tuesday night that we can. The Bridge is an inner city ministry for people getting out of prison and for people on the street. On Tuesday nights they have three different ministers come to a Chicago church and do a ten minute sermon on a specific topic. The topic is chosen by the attendees. They are asked to put questions they have about daily life into a drop box each week. The questions are pulled and they become future topics. The Bridge asks ministers from local congregations to come out and speak so that when people return home, they will know of some local churches to plug into.

We went to The Bridge last night. On the way I asked Kevin if he would stop and buy me a cup of coffee. The minute you take the church's exit off of the interstate, you know you are not in the suburbs anymore. You exit into a pretty rough part of town, and you see all sorts of things pretty quickly. Tonight I saw a prostitute. It took me a little while to download all of the information I was taking in via my eyes. Within seconds though I knew what was going on.

I felt very sad for the woman I was looking at. She was undernourished and looked so sad. She wandered around aimlessly as if she were lost. There wasn't anything I could do for her at that moment...we were whizzing by her in our vehicle. Kevin pulled into Dunkin Donuts to buy my coffee, and as we sat waiting for our order I saw her again. I noticed her more this time because we were sitting still, and she was wandering around across the street. I wondered how she got there so quickly. We were in a car and she was on foot. I had also asked Kevin to order me a bagel, but as I waited for it and watched her I wondered if she could use something to eat. She was way to thin, and she really did look like she was walking around deliriously. I felt this strange connection with her and I knew I should ask her if she needed anything to eat. By this time she had crossed to our side of the street and was walking in our direction, but not towards us. I began thinking out loud to Kevin. I asked if it would be o.k. to offer to buy her something to eat. He said yes.

He drove towards her. I got scared a couple of times and missed her, but I couldn't give up. I was franticly looking for words to say. I did not want to assume anything. I didn't want to talk down to her. I wanted to give her the respect and dignity I would want, yet I wanted to offer her dinner. I wasn't sure what that was going to sound like. We missed her a couple more times. At one point we saw her propositioning a man in a car wash. I was sick. I thought I missed my opportunity. She walked away from him. I had Kevin stop the car, and I got out and started walking towards her. She was in front of me with her back to me. I still had no clue what I was going to say once I caught up with her. All of the sudden I was right next to her. I tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her if she needed anything to eat. I was so nervous. I thought she would tell me to mind my own business. She didn't. To my surprise she said yes.

There was a restaurant right there and we walked in. I told her what we were doing in town, and told her she was welcome. The Bridge offers dinner to everyone after the service is over, so I let her know she could get something else to eat later. I told her that The Bridge was for inmates, and people off the street. I let her know that she would not be judged by anyone...she would be welcomed. She said she couldn't come...she looked like a whore. I tried to convince her that that did not matter, but once she had her food she gave me a decisive no. She asked for my card. I made her promise to call me. Kevin wrote my number down for her, and she said she would. She said no one had ever done anything like that for her before. She told me that she knew I didn't have to help her so it meant a lot to her. I told her God let me know she needed something to eat. That was awkward. I hugged her really tight for a while...I didn't want to let her go. She pulled away and started walking in the opposite direction. Once we got turned around and back on the right street going in the right direction Kevin saw her talking to another man. I was so mad at that man for treating her like that...for looking at her in that way, for using her and continuing to make her feel as though she is worthless. She is worth so much more. She is worth EVERYTHING. The God of the Universe LOVES her. He hurts for her. I know He loves her. I know he hurts for her. I know because I love her and I hurt for her. I made it to the church, and then I ran into the bathroom and had a good cry. I cried for her. I cried for God.

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

God's plan (VIII). The Finale.

10:25 PM by Christi Bowman

I ended last night by saying that my parents and I were talking, finally talking about real life. We talked about stuff, painful stuff. We talked about awkwardness in relationships and why it was there to begin with. It was nice to be discussing relational issues healthily. It was nice to hear the painful things and not need anyone to blame. It was nice that no one was on the defensive. We no longer needed to defend something we never understood in the first place. Growing up I was always deathly afraid of spankings. I was always afraid of the whole process. I was afraid of waiting in the room for my dad to come in. I would always react very violently if he tried to come near me. Eventually he would laugh at the spectacle I was making of myself over a spanking and he would leave the room laughing at my torment. That hurt even worse. We were able to discuss that. It was nice admitting that I never felt close with my dad. It was nice understanding why.

My parents went through a lot of different emotions that evening. They were worried about me. I told them this was the end for me. This has taken me the ten years of my marriage, so far, to heal from. I told them that sharing this with them was the last leg of this journey of healing for me. I also told them that I realized that it was just the beginning for them. I told them that I thought long and hard before bringing this into the light. I told them that I had prayed over it extensively. They were concerned about me being able to forgive my abusers. I was able to tell them about looking his name up via Google. I told them they could do the same. They did. They knew he had gone to preaching school, but they had no idea he pastored a church or where. They told me that they were going to confront him.

I have to be honest...this scared me. I felt God telling me to hush. That was good advice. There has been other allegations of sexual abuse in my family. I have a cousin who has a step father. She came out several years ago saying that he had abused her. She had everyone on her side, except her immediate family...her mom, her half sisters, her great aunt (my aunt) and her great grandmother (my grandmother). They refused to believe her. Social services were on her side, and the police were heading to their house to pick him up...and he ran. He looked guilty, but at that moment she dropped the charges. She wouldn't fight him. He is still aloud at family functions. My parents refuse to attend them when he is there. My parents believe her, but they still wonder, with the legal system on her side, why she didn't pursue it. It has always put doubts in their mind. I knew that not allowing them to take this where they felt it needed to go would be like dropping a very heavy weight on them and telling them they could not remove it.

Some would say that this was a coincidence, but nothing about this has been a coincidence yet, so why should this be. My parents live in Nashville. All this took place in California. Lately, in a medium sized church in Nashville, they have bumped into some former members of the church they attended in California. Also they have recently reestablished contact with some of their best friends from that church because they have moved to another city in TN. My parents said they were going to start by contacting some of these people and finding out what they knew. I urged them to pray about the decisions they were making, and not to make any rash ones that they would regret. Later that night they told me they were going to get a lawyer who would guide them through defamation of character laws. The statute of limitations on what they did to us has has long since run out, but if this goes far enough he could loose his job and his reputation could be lost. My parents want to be responsible. Also, my mom has, through her work, access to private investigators. She is going to hire one to look into his past and into his present.

Again I have to admit that at times I am uncomfortable with this. But I keep hearing God tell me that vengeance is his to repay, and that it is for repentance. I know first hand how hurting people hurt others because they are in so much pain. I know they hate what they do, and it only further compounds there guilt and pain. I know that it is a vicious cycle that they have no idea how to stop. Knowing this helps me be able to forgive him too. I don't think he wanted to behave the way he did. I bet on his good days he sickened himself from the inside out. I believe that he wanted freedom from his demons, but when they came to haunt him he was powerless. I know what it feels like to be powerless over something that you know hurts other people. I know the freedom I received once my horrible sins were brought out into the light. God wants no less for him. Who am I, because of fear of confrontation, to stand in the way of his redemption. By the grace of God, and ONLY by the grace of God, do I stand in the wide open spaces of freedom. God speaks very negatively against someone who has been forgiven a huge debt, yet withholds forgiveness from others. I don't want to be that person. I have been rescued personally by God, and he has made everything right, even relationships with my family. I can't believe what he has done for me. I would rather be the instrument God uses to usher in that freedom for someone else rather than stand in the way...especially over fear.

Romans 8:15 (CEV) God's Spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father.

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Saturday, July 26, 2008

Gods Plan (VII)

10:02 PM by Christi Bowman

My brother and I talked for a while. I let him know that I would be there for him; I would be the person to hear all of the ugliness if he needed someone to. I was honest with him, I told him that if he allowed himself to be sober the world be a scary place for a while. He would have to allow himself to feel the pain that sent him running to his next high, and not pick up his addiction. That hurts. When I did it I had anxiety attacks. I remember our first party I attended without alcohol. I remember the first day I forced myself to stay home from the gym. I remember my first run without angry music. I remember going to church for the first time without dressing to the hilt to keep people away. I panicked because I was going to have to face people as myself...no more pretending. God walked me through it though, little by little, and Kevin was there to let me talk about my feelings along the way. Almost ten months later I have emerged a different person. I am confident and clear headed. It is so much easier for me to give and receive love. The past seems like a life time ago. I am no longer in bondage...in prison.

I hung up with my brother and called Kevin. I told him about the conversation with my brother. I told him that I felt ready to call my mom. I felt strong. I felt like God was leading me through this...now. He was giving me the strength to call my mom that very moment. Kevin told me not to. He reminded me that I had no one there if things should go badly, and we had no reason to believe they would not. He told me I had a plan and I should stick to it. I wanted to call my mom and at least open some lines of communication with her. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I thought that would be a good place to start. Just because I called to say I love you didn't mean I had to say anything else. I told Kevin that is what I was going to do. He warned me against making that phone call. He said that if I called her I would end up telling her everything, and then I would be hurt with no one to turn to. He had been my strength at every point through this. He was concerned about not being there for this moment. This was going to be the hardest yet of everything I have had to do over the last ten months. He wasn't sure I could do it without another person there keeping me grounded in my reality. I told him I had to make that phone call. It was time. He said o.k., and we hung up.

I sat there looking at my phone for quite some time. I found my mom's number in my contact information, and hovered over it. I would hover over it for so long that my phone would go blank and I would have to push a button and find my mom's number over again. I am not sure how many times I did that. Finally I pushed the green call button...and waited. I thought maybe she wouldn't answer the phone, but I wanted her to. It was my time. I needed this to be over. She answered.

I immediately told her that I loved her. I let her talk for a while, but every few minutes I would just tell her I loved her. I did. I told her that I had talked with my brother, and that immediately sent up a red flag. My brother and I have always gotten along, but this secret has always led to weird estrangement. Relationships are just weird in my family, and no one has ever been able to put a finger on it. Instead there has always been blame...blame for someone not meeting someone else's needs. This has always led to the frustration of everyone. As the family has grown up we have learned to live with it, but, as a friend has put it so eloquently, it is as if there is an elephant in the room...and we just put a table clothe on it, and tip toe around it as if the obvious is not in the room. This has created a real emptiness. I have gone weeks at a time not making a phone call because I have had nothing real to say. I have felt unknown by my own family. We have all been in this prison in some form or another.

My mom asked me what my brother and I had talked about, and that is when I knew there would be no turning back. I started talking about AIM, and the preparation they do in getting people ready to go. I explained the tests to her. I explained the results. I told her that I would be needing to talk with her about some of the things the test had uncovered. I told her that it was nothing bad that she had done, but stuff had happened that I needed to talk about. I told her I may not be able to talk about them right then, but I just wanted her to know what was coming. She said o.k., and again I just started sobbing...and it all came out. I was able to describe there house...every detail. His room...the shag carpeting, and the change jar that I would stare at to escape. The stool I would sit on and wait, for what seemed like hours, for him to come in. They had one of those high beds and that stool would help you climb up to the bed. I told her what he did to me. I told her what she did to me. I told her about the ice cold baths we were made to sit in and the slaps, beatings, and the berating we received for the tiniest of accidents. Nothing we ever did was o.k. I told her I remembered my brother coming home black and blue. I told her I remembered feeling relieved that we wouldn't have to go back, and I remember the betrayal of having to return the next day. I told her I remembered when I would act out, I told her I remembered what I did. I told her that as a parent now, if my children ever participated in anything like that I would get help for them, and I would desperately recall the people they had been alone with. I told her that I remembered that to her I was just dirty and gross, and that I did things that good Christian girls didn't do. I told her that I didn't fault her for any of it, because I understood that back then there were no signs to look for. She was able to shed some more light on the situation as well.

She told me my dad was oversees nine months out of the year in the navy. She said she was basically a single parent. She said she was made to feel bad when she would question any ill treatment of us. She was alone, and they were her friends. They always reassured her that they loved us and she was desperate to believe them. We used to always attend ultra religious churches as well. Places that looked down on soft disciplinarians. It was expected that you allowed others to corporately punish your children, and you weren't really supposed to question there judgment. You were supposed to be the kind of household that punished your children more if you found out they had been punished elsewhere. Once we were school age we attended private schools that subscribed to this ideology as well.

After I told her everything she began sharing some of her own memories. She remembered his bad temper, and how on several occasions he would come in a room yelling his head off. Once they finally did remove us from there house, both of my parents remember them leaving town very quickly. My mom also began questioning whether he had done anything to his own daughters. She remembered one of his daughters, especially, acting out in some of the ways I did, but at the time she was just as disgusted with her as she was with me.

We talked for a long time after everything came out. My mom and my dad went through all sorts of emotions in that time frame. I have never had a good relationship with my dad, or men in general. We talked about that for a little while as well. A lot of things came out into the open that had lain dormant and in the dark all these years, and for the first time we were able to talk about them. We were finally talking.

More tomorrow.

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Friday, July 25, 2008

God's Plan (VI)

3:27 PM by Christi Bowman

I stopped telling my story yesterday at the point God drove me to my room, alone. I was all by myself. I was writing, reading, praying and crying. I had so much going on in my head. My head hurt from all of the emotion. I was practicing listening prayer. I was lying on my bed, waiting for God to speak into this. He did. He told me to call my brother. It was good direction. What I was about to tell my parents would, of course, affect him.

Whether my parents believed me or not, my brother was going to hear about the conversation. Whatever they would say had possibilities of opening up a lot of wounds for him as well. God wanted him to know he had somewhere to turn. A few years earlier I had tried to have this conversation with him. At that time I still did not have a very clear picture, but I knew something had happened to us at our caretakers house. I told him then because my brother has always had a rough time. He started using drugs and alcohol around twelve. He has always been much more destructive than me. He has been in several accidents, car and otherwise that have almost cost him his life. He has been in jail on several occasions. He has been through rehab three different times. At the time I first started this conversation with him, years earlier, he was in an abusive relationship with his girlfriend. He was becoming abusive. She had called the cops on him a few nights previous because he was scaring her. He had caused damage to her property so they took him to jail. Because of problems in my own life I was pretty sure I knew where his issues were coming from. I wanted to let him know what I was beginning to uncover. I wanted to see his reaction. I wanted to see if this connected with him at all. I saw him allow it to resonate for a little while, but his girlfriend was with us, and she made a comment, and he let his anger spew out all over the coffee bar we were at...so much so that we had to leave. That moment, for him, was gone. He had made that choice. As I left Nashville, I asked him to think about it. He never brought it back up.

Fast forward a couple years down the road. I am lying on my bed, being told by God that I need to let him know what I am about to do. Everything is a lot clearer now, and I am about to confront our parents. I find his name in my contact list, hover over it for a few moments, and push the call button. My heart is racing once again. He answers the phone..."hello?"

I say "hi", but I don't have time for small talk. I cut to the chase..."I have something to talk to you about" I tell him. He says o.k. I start to sob. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. I was shaking...big shakes...convulsing maybe. I hurt so bad. He could tell. He says "I am sorry doll" in the sweetest most comforting voice that I have ever heard come out of his mouth. I tell him everything. I tell him what I have gone through. What God has done for me. I tell him a much clearer version of what I started to tell him years ago...complete with details...details I knew he would remember. He did. He said "so this is what I have buried" I say "what, you know you have buried something?" As if he is somehow farther along then I am in this process. He tells me he as been through enough rehab and counseling to know that something bad has happened to him, but he has buried it for so long he doesn't know if he has the ability or the strength to find it. He tells me he is the master of hiding it. He knows who he is on the inside. He knows what he is capable of. He works 24 hours 7 days a week just to keep himself out of trouble. He wants drugs so bad he can taste them, but he white knuckles it by working himself to death just to keep his hands busy. He is so angry on the inside, but he is tired of hurting the people he loves with his actions and his mouth. He has a death wish and rides a motorcycle 150mph just hoping to die. He is numb.

It is no surprise to me that he feels this way, but I am surprised by his eloquence. He gets himself quite well. He is tired of who he is. He is scared of that person. He fights himself everyday, he tortures himself, it seems, to act right. He is tired of fighting. When he asks me how I discovered all this...how I remembered, I told him God, first, had to take away the alcohol. I told my brother that these were my memories, and that he, no doubt, has some of his own, but he would have to find them. He has been addicted since he was 12 years old, and for the first time in his life he has a reason to quit.

I praise God for that.

More tomorrow.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

God's Plan (V)

9:24 AM by Christi Bowman

God gives me direction, sometimes, in the form of ideas. He gives me an idea and I burn inside until it happens. The ideas He has given me sound like my own because, number one they are in my head, number two it sounds like my voice talking, and number three they are relevant to my life. I know they are His because, I know who I am. I know that I am incapable of coming up with this stuff by myself. I also know that I am not capable of carrying out these plans of His without Him.

He told me I needed to tell my mom about the abuse. I said "WHAT?"

I immediately began arguing with God. He knew my brother and I had tried before. No, I had never told her about the sexual abuse, but there had been many times my brother and I would start to talk about how mean and nasty they had both been to us while we were in there home. Every time my brother and I would start to have that conversation we were immediately shut down by an argument of "no, they loved you". I cannot explain to you why my brother and I could not push past that. I am sure it has something to do with what went on when we were kids. Whenever my mom would say that to us the conversation ended abruptly. We had no ability to take it any further. It was over.

I argued with God because I didn't see how this time would be any different. If anything I thought it would be more hurtful to me to have her shut me down this time because not only was I going to discuss the physical stuff, but I had the sexual abuse to talk about as well. I thought it would make her more angry and less likely to believe me because some of it was stuff she had never heard before. I was scared to bring this up. That is where faith comes in. When you know God has told you to do something, even if it seems painful and doesn't make a lot of sense to you, you have got to do it...even if the outcome is not pleasant.

I said above, that once God gives me an idea it burns until it is accomplished. I couldn't stop thinking about it. We have a social worker at our church who had worked in Christian counseling. She has helped me deal with a lot of this ugliness, so I called her about this once I couldn't argue it away myself. I thought for sure she would talk me out of it. She didn't. She said quite the opposite. She said "your ready." I was dumbfounded. Why hadn't she told me that I would eventually need to do this in the first place. I don't know, maybe when she reads this she can answer that. :)

She was out of town and by the time she got back I would be out of town. She told me to use that time as a time of journaling. I was to write down every thought that came to my mind regarding this. That exercise was AMAZING. I would go to write down a thought and I would finish with a novel. That happened MANY times over the course of the week. UGLY stuff came out on those pages. It was so ugly I cringed when I reread what I wrote. I HATED what was coming out. My counselor friend told me she would help me go back through my journal when I got back home, and help me put it all together in the form of a letter to my mom that I could read to her. I didn't think I could do that by myself. I asked Kevin, my friend, and then some other friends if they would sit in the room with me while I read the letter to her, so that when my mom started rejecting me I would have them to look at and keep me grounded in reality.

I went to Uplift. Uplift is a camp like atmosphere at a Christian college. I was surrounded by teenagers, and the only fellow adult I was traveling with was the youth minister from our church, a friend's husband. I had NO ONE to really talk to about all that was going on. I was alone. I felt alone. I questioned God's wisdom in all of this. At one point I even called Kevin and told him he would need to come get me. I was in Arkansas. We live in Illinois. Satan tried to take advantage of my doubt and tell me that the Christian thing to do would be to just know that I had forgiven her and let God deal with the rest. He made me wonder if bringing all this hurt out in the open was the right thing to do. I prayed about this, and asked God to make it abundantly obvious if this is what He wanted me to do. God gave me Isaiah 50:10&11

Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

and Isaiah 52:11&12

Out of here! Out of here! Leave this place!
Don't look back. Don't contaminate yourselves with plunder.
Just leave, but leave clean. Purify yourselves
in the process of worship, carrying the holy vessels of God.
But you don't have to be in a hurry.
You're not running from anybody!
God is leading you out of here,
and the God of Israel is also your rear guard.

Also, the title on Seth Barnes blog for the day was "Have the Hard Conversation now" and the title on My Utmost for His Highest devotional for the day was "Do It Now." NO JOKE. I got the idea that God was moving me through this more quickly than I was comfortable with.God quieted me. He let me know that none of this was out of His control. He wasn't surprised by any of it. He wasn't rushing around trying to fix it. I calmed down and let Him walk me through it.

In my first God's plan post. I said that God gave me a story and He wants me to tell it, but He wants all the glory. Remember I said I had a plan...and it involved a lot of people helping me get through this. He said "no" I will get you through this and He did. I was brought to a place, although surrounded by people, where I was totally alone in this. I knew I was going to confront my mom and I thought I knew what it was going to look like but again He said "no". At Uplift we stay in the college dorms. There are two rooms connected by a bathroom. Miraculously I got two rooms with a bathroom all to myself. God knew I would need a place to be completely alone. He knew at times I would need solitude. Uplift is filled with classes all day long. As an adult chaperon you can go to these classes, but you can also hang back if you need to. At the beginning of the session I had gone to some of the classes and LOVED them. On Monday I had planned out what classes I was going to go to. I never made it. God started stirring me up inside...I wasn't comfortable with anything but being alone. A lot of journaling thoughts came to my head, and I escaped to my room to write them down. I wrote and prayed and cried.

This is already to long. I have learned some things about blogging etiquette since starting.

I will write more tomorrow.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

God's Plan (IV)

10:36 PM by Christi Bowman

Andrew Wommack exegetes Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" differently than anyone else I have ever heard. I have always heard it taught that it means don't go to bed angry. Andrew teaches that it is saying quite the opposite. He argues that in fact it is telling us to never stop being angry...never let the sun go down on your anger. The first part of the verse tells us to "be angry and sin not". Why would the second half of the verse tell us when not to be angry after it just told us to "be angry and sin not"? In context this verse is surrounded by verses like "speak the truth to your neighbor" and "give no opportunity to the devil". We are to be angry at sin all the time. We are to get mad when we realize satan is beating up on us, or when we see or hear about satan beating up on others. When we see it or hear about it we are to speak the truth, bring satan and his lies into the light, and expose satan for who he is. I ended last nights blog by saying "and then I got angry". After Larry had exposed the repression of my good traits I got angry. I got angry at satan. I got angry at sin.

One night, several months before the night I talked with Larry, God had miraculously led me to forgive my abuser. I was laying in bed wide awake while everyone else in the house was asleep. God came to me and made me aware of the fact that I could look up anyone, via Google, on the internet. He told me to type in the name of my abuser. I got out my laptop and began typing. My heart was beating fast as the search engine hummed along. I clicked on a name finder site that came up and there was his name in bold black print with the names of his family members right beside it. I clicked on his name and it gave me some information into his past and into the present. The past information helped me to put some puzzling information together. His wife was my daycare provider. I always wondered why he was there. The site I was on said he had been a fireman in San Diego, Ca. I know firemen work 48 hours on and 48 hours off. That information helped me understand why he was in the home on some of the days. The present information said He was the pastor of a church. I clicked on the link and there he was. I saw his picture. I looked at it stunned and numb for a good long time. Kevin finally woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told Kevin that was him. Kevin helped me close my laptop and put it away. As I lay in bed I told God I was tired. I was tired of the ugly images in my head. I was tired of the vague memories that haunted me. I was tired of being a victim. I asked God to help me forgive him and move on. The ugly images and scenarios that would randomly find their way into my head were gone just like that. I had fought them off daily ever since I can remember, up to that point, and now they never haunt me. Praise God for John 8:36 (MSG)

So when the Son sets you free you are free through and through

I had also come to a place of peace with my parents. I had, for a long time, blamed my parents for putting us in our caretakers home, and for daily taking us back even though my brother would come home with bruises all over him. I used to wonder why they never took me to see anyone when I would act out with overt unusual sexual behavior as a cry for help. I knew what measures I would take to protect my kids, especially after having my own children. I could not understand why they did not want to protect us. We would scream at the door for our mom not to leave us. We had to stop that though because we would get screamed at and hit as soon as the door would close with a strict warning that worse would happen if we continued. We tried to tell our parents as we got older, but my mom would immediately stop the conversation with a "no, they loved you." The inability of my mom to see, hear, and acknowledge the truth was always mind boggling to me, but it was something I couldn't fight. I always felt crazy. God's grace allowed me to see that there were no real standards in place yet to see unusual behavior as a cry for help. He helped me to remember how our caregivers would love on us at church so that my parents would think we were all right. Also, we grew up in a time where it was still acceptable, expected even, for other adults to spank your children. In light of all this I could see where my parents were able to not see the abuse. I was able to forgive them.

I knew deep down in my being that I had forgiven all parties involved. God had helped bring me to this place of forgiveness. I was angry because I was still suffering under this sin committed against me. Despite the forgiveness I still hated myself. I did not believe in myself. I could not see how anyone saw anything worth while in me as a human being. It was physically painful on the inside to hear nice things said about me. I brought my anger before God. I said what do I have to do to realize who I am in you? Where does this end? How can I be the person you say I am?

When I heard the answer I froze.

More tomorrow.

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God's Plan (III)

1:03 AM by Christi Bowman

Once back from Africa I knew we would be returning. While in Africa I caught a glimpse of my own children playing along side the children of the care points. I am beginning to see where God gives you visions, visions you see clearly with your spiritual eyes...not your physical eyes. Seeing my children in Africa was a bright spiritual vision from the Lord that got even brighter once I realized what it was and who it came from. I still had to work on Kevin a bit. I didn't do much though. I knew we were going back, and I just began to talk like that...a lot. It did not take Kevin long to ask God to make it supernaturally obvious to him if we were to go to Africa. God responded quickly. One of the ways in which God instilled confidence in Kevin was through a mission organization named AIM.

I LOVE AIM!!! I love the people. I love what they stand for. I love what they do. I love how they acknowledge the Spirit of God. One of my first encounters with the Holy Spirit, maybe my very first one, happened while at the AIM headquarters in GA. I WANTED MORE! I wanted to stay forever. God took me back to IL and walked me through finding the Holy Spirit for myself. One of Kevin's fleeces before God was to write to the founder and head of AIM, Seth Barnes. Kevin gave Seth some back story and told him of our desire to go back to Swaziland. The fleece was all in how Seth responded. If Seth said you have to go back to school, get some experience, training, stuff like that Kevin would know God was saying wait. If Seth was more like yeah lets do this then Kev would feel like God was opening a door. Seth said "this could work". After that we began seeing that God's hands had been, were presently, and still are all over this process.

One of the things AIM does to get you ready to go out into the world is have you take some tests. One of the tests Kevin and I took was the Taylor-Johnson. Kevin and I took this test together on our respective laptops. When we were done we looked at each other and said "that was kind of dumb". The questions were not very introspective and they seemed to be all over the place...no real order. I felt confused after I took it. Kevin and I could not have been more wrong about that test. The results of that test blew us both out of the water. Kevin has blogged some of his thoughts on his test results. My test results came back with leadership potential. It seemed like I had some strong scores in some good areas but my self esteem was so astoundingly low that it was prohibiting me from coming anywhere near what I could be. AIM employs a psychologist to go over the test results once you see them, and he called me to discuss mine on a Wed night after church.

WOW. Words can't describe that conversation. That psychologist is one powerful man. We began talking and I immediately felt at ease. He asked me some questions and I immediately opened up. it was easy. It was though I had been talking to him for years. He started telling me some good things about myself and I started to cry. They were to painful to hear. He started crying with me and what he told me next he said was from God. He said that "I don't see myself the way God sees me" and he told me things that God saw and loved about me personally...and that was powerful!! We talked some more about the child abuse, the sexual, physical, emotional and religious abuse. We talked about the role my parents played, although they were not the abusers. As he continued to talk I felt a heaviness in the air. Everything in view became very sharp, and the world around me though loud, became quiet, peaceful, and still. It was surreal...almost as if time had stopped for everyone but us. He began to pray over the phone and he said to God "I sense that your Spirit is there with Christi right now" and he nailed it. That's what it was and it was amazing. That sense, although not always as overwhelming as that night, has not left me since. He prayed for peace, and direction, and healing for me...and then he hung up. I sat there alone for a while, just enjoying the presence of God, and then I got angry.

More tomorrow.

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Sunday, July 20, 2008

God's Plan (Part II)

11:35 PM by Christi Bowman

Africa was a big step. I probably realize that more now than I did then. I did not want to go. The adventure part of it sounded fun, but I knew we were going for more than adventure. I didn't understand the purpose of the trip. It was Kevin's thing. Kevin had been invited. He was making sure I came along.

Getting to Africa had it's fair share of hang ups. We missed our connecting flight to Jo-burg, and had to spend MANY more hours than planned traveling and in airports. Once we landed in Jo-burg we found out our luggage was lost. Loosing luggage in an African airport is not the same as loosing it in the U.S. The airport employees handed us a picture of 7 different looking bags and told us to point to the bags that looked most similar to ours. They then took down our information with a PEN, only, and said "good luck". We had talked with a couple who were from Africa during our travels. When they found out we had lost our luggage they too said "good luck" and chuckled. We were disheartened. A day or two after we landed and arrived in the third world city of Manzini, in the third world country of Swaziland, we convinced the missionary who was taking us to the different care points to take us to the third world airport in Manzini. That experience was one of my most scary and surreal experiences to date.

All this to say that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in Africa to begin with. Getting to Africa was a nightmare. Once in Africa, we found out quickly just how unprotected we were. My safety net was ripped out from under me. Still, in light of all this, and despite how satan was trying to steal this moment from me, the second my feet touched a care point my life was dramatically altered. I can't explain it. I knew Kevin and I were done in the secular market. I didn't know what that looked like yet, but I knew, at that care point, I was about my Father's business. Making His business my life's work was the only way my life would ever have any meaning.

In Africa I held kids. I held damaged kids, broken kids, hurting kids...DYING kids and I cried. I cried a lot. I couldn't sleep at night. I would be driven out of my bed and to the hotel window. I felt like every second we were not at a care point was a waste of their time. I hated that hotel, and the fancy dinners. Why did I get a comfortable bed, good food to eat, and a cool air conditioned vehicle to travel in. It was only by the grace of God. That is the only answer I could come up with. I saw myself, but for the grace of God, in every face I encountered. I saw my brother, my mother, my friends. I had no right to hang on to my things, my lifestyle...they weren't mine. They were blessings so that I could bless others and all I did was bless myself and in so doing I was killing my soul.

In my last blog I said that after God stripped me of everything I relied on, to stop feeling pain, I started to feel again. Feeling emotion is rarely comfortable (at least for me). I am finding that, as I progress in relationship with my God it is getting easier and safer. It is getting easier to sort out my emotions, put a finger on what I am feeling, and come to Godly conclusions. Life, as a whole, both the simple and complex, are easier once we allow God to take over. I have never been so clear headed in my life. Allowing myself to feel; to feel pain, anxiety, and sadness saved my soul. Allowing myself to feel the sadness and desperation of Africa and not shut down and turn my back on its reality, with my cynicism, played a big part in the saving of my soul.

More tomorrow.

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God's Plan

1:16 PM by Christi Bowman

It's been a while (a good friend pointed this out). I was at a camp where I was able to update and write a little. I came home from that camp and had to madly prepare for the next camp I was working at. I was asked to teach a daily Bible class at RCC, hence the mad preparation. I had no time to update you all because the studying and preparing took more time than I had anticipated. I related to a lot of the material. I LOVED the subject matter. It was social justice. I spent ALL of the week in between the 2 camp sessions praying, studying, and preparing. The camp session came and went quickly. I had a blast. I also learned a lot myself. I got to tell my story of transformation at one of the nightly campfires. I learned that I COULD get up in front of a group of people and enjoy myself. God has given me a story. A story that glorifies Him. Even when I am not in front of a crowd I find myself telling it. It relates to many areas of life. I believe that MANY people are hungry to see the REAL power of God at work today. He is powerful, and mighty, He is alive and He is moving. The closer I get to Him the more I see Him in everything. He talks to me. He guides me. He puts words in my mouth, and ideas in my head. When I listen and obey Him things start to happen and people in need of Him see Him. God is using me and my life has meaning.

Last time I wrote I told you that God had one more thing to walk me through, and I asked for your prayers as I faced that challenge. I told you that God wanted to bring the sins against me to light and He was using me to do it. He did use me and it was amazing, but it was not what I had planned. God has rescued me and because of that I experience a freedom and inner strength and confidence that is beyond my wildest dreams. He told me what I needed to do, and I started planning how to do it. It was a safe plan, and it involved lots of people. He drove me to an alone place, and gave me the strength to do it by myself with Him at my side. I had this profound realization that He gave me a story, and He wants me to tell it, but He wants all the credit. For God to get all the credit I have encountered some pretty scary moments and I have felt alone at times and questioned God's wisdom, but He has always given me strength. And when I have needed Him most I have even felt His presence. This experience has taught me dependence on God and what it feels like to be in His presence. It has taught me to recognize when He comes upon me and how to listen to His direction. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God walks with me all the time. He is intervening constantly.

There is much abuse in my past. Abuse that because of certain circumstances was never brought to light. My parents were never able to protect us from it or deal with it. Because of this repression occurred and it has plagued me ever since. Once I was married and in a safe place, memories of the abuse and past acting out started to haunt me. I started talking about some of this with my husband early on in our marriage, but memories were sketchy at best. Kevin said that if I wanted to know the truth I could pray and ask God to reveal it to me. Kevin said that God may not choose to reveal it quickly, but if God thought that it was necessary He would be faithful and reveal it to me when He knew it was right. I was anxious to know the truth, and one night I asked God to reveal my past to me. Kevin was right, God was faithful, and He did reveal things to me, but He had to bring me to rock bottom, and strip me of everything I relied on first. Be careful for what you pray for. You have no idea what He may have to take you through to answer your prayer.

Once stripped of everything I relied on I had to allow myself to feel deep pain for the second time in my life. I had to face my insecurities, talk through them, and realize where they were coming from. For the first time in a long time I felt things, and I allowed myself to feel them and not shut down. A lot of my walls crumbled, including a good portion of my cynicism. I softened. Softening was uncomfortable but I even allowed my self to slowly walk through that and be affected. Then came Africa. That was the beginning of the end of this healing process. I will pick up here tomorrow.

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