Monday, March 31, 2008

Pushing through the pain

4:31 PM by Christi Bowman

About a month ago, Seth Barnes came to speak in Chicago. I believe God sent Seth to Chicago for Kevin and I! He spoke that day On dying happy...and he had three points. His first point to dying happy was to dream God's dreams, and his second point was to push past the pain that can make it impossible to fully live out God's dreams, and experience true joy. As Seth said those words, tears started rolling down my cheeks...I know a lot about pain. I knew that I had been dreaming God's dreams...but was I ready to deal with the abuse in my past? I wasn't sure...and I didn't even know if I was capable of pushing past it. I did tell God that He would REALLY have to help me with this one.

My daughter had spring break last week, and I decided we would go to Nashville, Tn to visit my parents. Nashville is a very hard place for me to return to. My parents moved there my SENIOR YEAR in high school. There were MANY things wrong with that situation, and it was there that I started to grow up and see reality for what it really was. Before this, my mom was my best friend. She knew everything about me...I told her everything, I would ditch dates with friends, and dates with boyfriends to hang out with her...I would have just rather been with her. I didn't start out doing anything hardcore, but I was raised in a pretty intolerant conservative Christian household...where anything outside their norm was unacceptable. My mother was VERY intolerant of the changes I was making, and I began to see our relationship as unhealthy. This woman was SO controlling she would tell me how to dress, how to look, who to date, and how to play games...with EVERYONE. Her favorite sayings were "when in Rome do as the Romans do"...or "Be all things to all people". My mom was a HUGE advocate of masks..."never let anyone REALLY know who you are" she would say to me. She used to use her "friendship" against me, and act "hurt" if I disagreed with her, or questioned her and her motives in any way. I began to see how controlling she was and always had been. She was my "friend" as long as I did what she wanted me to do...and the second I began thinking for myself, her "friendship" was withdrawn. The withdrawal of her love, and acceptance created a HUGE hole, and sent me QUICKLY looking for ANYONE who would take her place. I fell in with a wrong, but very accepting crowd, and did MANY things to hurt her after that. She has never forgiven me, and has never allowed our relationship to heal...and to this day brings up a past that I would give anything to be allowed to forget.

My dad was, and still is a mean and ANGRY person...a VERY angry person. Most of the childhood memories I have of him are of him yelling his head off. I mostly just tried to stay out of his way. His nickname for me was Tubby Tina. I was anorexic through junior high and high school partly because of him. He would ALWAYS have something to say about my weight...ALWAYS. My 90 something year old grandpa lives with my parents now, and my dad SCREAMED at him on several occasions while I was there...once for wearing his bathrobe in the house. He constantly does his part to remind me, whenever I am around him, of how much I hurt the family by my actions at 18 continuing through choosing my husband over them.

My parents, when I was much younger, put my brother and I into a VERY abusive daycare setting. There, I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. We would BEG our parents not to send us there. We would carry on at the door where we were "lovingly" pulled from our mom only to be screamed at and hit once the door closed. We were hit for spilling, hit for having accidents...given impossible rules to follow, and hit once they were broken. I remember my brother being sent home black and blue...but we ALWAYS went back. The man used to keep me locked in his bedroom for hours...and touch me before spanking me. We were told we were ugly, dirty, rotten, useless, and good for nothing. To this day my brother and I will talk about how awful that place was to go to...and to this day my parents deny that anything ever happened. My mom will say "Pat and Lucy loved you...they went to church with us...they would NEVER have hurt you. It has been so long you guys don't even remember...you have created this in your head", and that is the end of the discussion. My parents are allowed to talk about, make fun of, and belittle my past...and yet I have been continually shut down when I want to talk about how they have hurt me...so yes...it is hard to return home...but occasionally I do it.

This visit was no exception...it was stressful from the beginning. My dad made me feel bad when I wanted to make the room my baby was sleeping in darker. The next day he made a big show of a LOADED weapon he carries on his person...by DROPPING it on a hardwood floor...in front of my children. Next, they FORCE my 18 month old to sit in a high chair and SCREAM at Chuck E. Cheese...the WHOLE time we were there. I couldn't rescue him b/c they invited an acquaintance of theirs to talk to me at a different table about some things our kids MIGHT have in common. After that my mother LOST my kids at a PUBLIC park, by not paying attention to them when I wasn't there. I could go on, but you get the point. You may be asking why I never said anything to my parents while I was down there. My parents and I have a VERY strained relationship. There is ALWAYS tension. I used to get mad and scream about all the dysfunction...and call it like I saw it...but that would leave me an emotional wreck...and I would deal with it by getting REALLY drunk. I decided it never really did anything to them, and it just further hurt me...so I have instead decided to settle for a very surface relationship with my parents, and ignore everything...but I was VERY bothered by this visit, because the insanity is reaching the children.

Before the trip to Nashville, I had finally discovered relationship with God, and have become truly happy. My close friends who had seen this change in me warned me not to go to Nashville, but duty is duty and so I went anyway. While I was there, I had a hard time communing with God...it was definitely not what it was at home here in Chicago...and I kept asking God why. I was VERY shaken by the instantly resumed emotional abuse I felt from my parents...I felt like I was being sucked back into the insanity that I have worked so hard to overcome, and separate myself from. By watching my parents interact with my children, and scream at my helpless grandpa I was reduced to the abused little girl who was not allowed to have a separate thought of her own without losing the love of the only person she trusted. I relived every second of my childhood through adult eyes, and saw my parents for the emotional abusers they always have been. I believe that God knew it was my time to push through the pain. I have been battling addictions, because of feelings of worthlessness for YEARS now. Now I know why. I feel like I was sent through hell so I could better understand myself, forgive myself, accept God's forgiveness, and let go. From that experience I feel like I have come back a free person...knowing that
I am free from my past... God is enough!
I am free of struggling for love I'll never get... God is enough!
I am free to forgive... God is enough!
I NEVER have to go back there and experience that again.... God is enough!
GOD IS ENOUGH!
I think pushing through the pain is painful itself...because your not hiding from it...your dealing with it...facing it head on...but God sends you through it...and he goes with you...even if you can't feel him...because he knows there is freedom on the other side.

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Am I longing to leave?

3:22 PM by Christi Bowman

I have started some discipling material written by Seth Barnes called "A Warrior's Journal". And like the title suggests, the book serves as a reminder of the very real battle that all of us who consider ourselves Christians are a part of. In one section Seth writes

"Early church history shows us that in a little more than 300 years, Christianity went from a small band of desperate men to the official religion of the Roman world.

How did this happen? It happened because of the absolute conviction of Jesus’ disciples. They were warriors for the faith, and they passed on this conviction to their disciples. They moved out boldly against enemies who thought nothing of stoning them to death because they were absolutely convinced God was on their side".

As I was reading this, I was reminded of the many disciples who did "move out boldly" and who did get stoned, or murdered in other gruesome ways. This was very real...and God WAS on their side. I thought to myself, at first, "HOW FAIR WAS THAT"? They BELIEVED in God, had faith that He was on their side, and I am sure they KNEW that God could save them from the persecution they were facing...yet God didn't...WHY?

And then I was reminded of the visit to my parents house...and how my parents house was NOT my home. The whole time I was there I longed for MY home where everything was right, and where everything would be made right once I walked through those doors... because my husband was there...and he loves me for me...no matter what.

The disciples DID have faith...and God could have spared their lives. I think the disciples of old knew what I am only beginning to grasp. I have heard many times that God has a purpose for our lives here, and once we fulfill our purpose He takes us home. Again, I have always thought that to be unfair. I am beginning to realize though that being taken HOME is God's gift to us...WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT HERE. I think that is why God is unconcerned with our happiness here on earth...He doesn't care to answer our prayers for comfort here...He doesn't want us to be comfortable here. He wants us so uncomfortable that we LONG for heaven...like I longed for my home. I was in a VERY uncomfortable painful place when I was at my parents house...and I believe that is how we are to see earth...we are not supposed to fight to stay here...we are to long to leave.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Some comfort.

11:23 PM by Christi Bowman

Have you ever been in a place where it is hard to feel God...not emotionaly, but physically. I am not talking about sin in your life that has caused you to move, what I am describing is more physical. Lately, my life has been permeated by the Holy Spirit. Through Him, I have felt the love of God in miraculous ways...ways I have never felt before. I have been moved to tears, walking through my house, in the middle of the day...doing NOTHING...because I long for Him. I have never experienced a LONGING for God before EVER. It is wonderful and terrible at the same time. He is am AMAZING God. He is REAL, and He is NOT academic!! I have enjoyed getting to know THE extremely REAL God more than anything. Because He is real I am FOREVER changed.

My circumstances have changed, and physically I am not in the same place. I am under much stress because of this place. My schedual, and that of my kids is chaotic to say the least. I am in a place with a ton of baggage...emotionaly. I am having to deal with A LOT, both physically, and emotionally. Needless to say, I have not had time for reflection.

In my home, with life as usual, I was able to think on Him many times throughout my day, and marval at what He is doing in MY life. Here it has not been so easy, and I feel lost. I feel far away. "Where are you?" I ask. I panic. Have I done something wrong? I don't want Him to go away...I'm not ready to be on my own again...I have experienced to much. Without Him I KNOW I am NOTHING. I am selfish, I am wretched, I am WEAK...so weak. I need Him. He gave me these words tonight in Acts 17:27-28 (MSG):

he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him!

So life has been a little wierd the last couple of days...and I have missed Him. Still, amidst the pandemonium He was able to get through to ME. He told me that even in the middle of seemingly endless unrest that I can't get away from Him. Reading "groping in the dark" conjures up some vivid imagery for me, and it is how I have felt for the last few days. Almost as if He was just out of my reach...but He never is...it says He is NEAR.

I long for the comfort of my home. I miss my husband. I have a weak to go. The chaos is not going to end as long as I am here. I now have truth though...truth that will get me through this. He is not playing hide and seek with me...He's near...so near in fact I can't get away from Him.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

In Looking we Hear God

12:11 AM by Christi Bowman

Yet another post...3 posts within 24 hours...at least this one will post after 12:00 am...so I get off on a technicality.

Seriously though...God is AMAZING...and I just can't believe that He is as involved with me as He is. God is on the move in my life in a BIG way...no, a HUGE way. He speaks to me, He shows me things when I ask...and even when I don't think to. He has given me a small picture of how big He is, and I find that glimpse of Him to be overwhelming! I feel His presence, and it brings me to tears. He lives in me...I am His tabernacle...and He is too much...I am finding myself to be to little...I can't contain Him...I am ready to burst. For the first time in my life I am experiencing God...and it keeps happening over and over again. Academically I have always known Him, but I have questioned A LOT, doubted even more, and have come pretty close to throwing in the towel.

Kevin and I were talking about God waking me up, and I asked, why now. When I said I came pretty close to throwing in the towel, I meant it. I have done some pretty terrible things in my life...things that could have been avoided had I been awakened years earlier. And it is not that I haven't sought after God...many times I have yearned for change...and in true "Footprints in the Sand" like fashion, looking back...I can see that He was there the whole time...but I was NOT awake. I may have called on Him...and sure He "carried" me through...but it never stuck. It seemed He carried me so that I could run head long into another mess...and because of free will...I guess He had to let me. Even though I longed to be free from whatever current situation was getting me into trouble, I wasn't longing to be free from me. That was the problem.

Still, when God first started calling me out in October, I told Kevin, I wasn't asking Him to, so why now? Kev told me I must have seen something...I must have known something to be true...something I knew...even though I didn't know I knew it, allowed me to hear him...WOW...that was absolutely right. I knew I wasn't happy...and I was exhausted from trying to fix that...but I was looking in all the wrong places. For me it was all about self gratification...I was giving myself everything I ever wanted...and hurting everybody in the process...and only becoming more miserable...I was miserable...and I was at my wits end. I had figured out that I could not bring myself happiness...no matter how hard I tried. Deep down I knew this...and I was profoundly sad...and faced with a decision. I knew the way I was living was not good, but I had already tried religion...and I couldn't fit that mold. I was SO tired of me...so tired of empty religion...although I didn't know it, I was finally looking for something else. I didn't have the answers.

This is why God is truly AMAZING to me. That answer was sufficient for me. I didn't ask Him why...I asked Kevin. God loves me SO much though, that He wanted to tell me Himself...so tonight...while I was reading the Bible with my girls, He decided to blow me away with this (I have already read this...I am in Leviticus...another example of the Bible being alive...this verse did not speak to me before...but it jumped off the page at me tonight)

Exodus 3:2-4 2 And the Angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire from the midst of a bush. So he looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, but the bush was not consumed. 3 Then Moses said, I will now turn aside and see this great sight, why the bush does not burn.4 So when the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said, Moses, Moses! And he said, Here I am.

It says that when the Lord saw that Moses turned aside to look that God called him. Moses had to look first...and then God called to Him. God wasn't sitting in the bush calling Moses out over and over again, hoping to be heard...no...Moses had to look. And Moses didn't know what He was looking for either...it says Moses wanted to see why a bush on fire wasn't being consumed...He wasn't looking for God. Still, I think that the fact that Moses was looking made him vulnerable maybe...more apt to hear. The same with me. I didn't know what I was looking for...but I was looking. Maybe in looking we admit we don't have all the answers...and when we come to that realization, God can show us that He does.

Moses went on to have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with God. Exodus 33:11 says So the LORD spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend...it started with his response to Gods call..."Here I am". No, Moses wasn't perfect...he didn't believe in himself...he doubted God's ability to come through...but he learned through God revealing Himself to him...a little bit at a time...to trust Him. I love that...there is hope for me after all.

Here I am.

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Not my home

11:15 PM by Christi Bowman

Many of you know that we are being called to Africa. We talk about it often. I like to talk about it like our affairs are in order. I am starting to live like it too. Not much about my place interests me, and when I organize and clean, I do it while deciding what we are going to give away. I have conversations with myself about what we will actually be able to take, and how we will get it over there. In my mind we are already there...and I have started living like it.

Today, I asked Kev if I could have his van to run an errand. His van has something that I can connect my MP3 player to, so that I can listen to it via the van speakers. He came over with the keys, and said "you know we could get one of those installed in your car". Immediately the idea was distasteful to me. I thought why would I bother...we are leaving...and we are not taking our cars...they are of no use to us there.

As I was driving, I thought how funny it was that I was making decisions in the present, based on my future home. And then I thought about how earth is really not my home at all...heaven is...and wouldn't it be nice, if I could make decisions that reflected that just as easily. I want all of my earthly possessions to be just as distasteful...why bother...they all mean nothing where I am going.

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WE are HIS Tabernacle

8:55 AM by Christi Bowman

Exodus 40: 34-38: 34 Then the cloud covered the tabernacle of meeting, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. 35 And Moses was not able to enter the tabernacle of meeting, because the cloud rested above it, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. 36 Whenever the cloud was taken up from above the tabernacle, the children of Israel would go onward in all their journeys. 37 But if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not journey till the day that it was taken up. 38 For the cloud of the LORD was above the tabernacle by day, and fire was over it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys.

God doesn't reside in physical manifestations of the tabernacle anymore...He can certainly be present in our churches, but WE ARE HIS TABERNACLE. He lives in US. He fills US with His glory; and unlike Moses, because of Jesus, we can enter whenever we like.

He still calls us on journeys, and He has called me. My prayer, is that I am able to recognize when it is time to move, and when it is time to be still...and worship Him.

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

I AM is enough.

1:56 AM by Christi Bowman

Christians, unlike me, are performing miracles...TODAY!! They are seeking God and healing people's arms and legs...they are freeing the sick from diseases...and they are raising people from the dead...in places like Mozambique. They are unlike me, because they are dead. They are unlike me because Jesus lives through them...because they drank from the living water...they don't thirst...because HE IS ENOUGH!!

So tonight at Willow Creek...Kev says..."I don't just believe they are raising people from the dead in Mozambique...I want to see it". I nod, but inside my head I say "I don't want to just see it...I want to do it". I was not being noble or anything...I thought it would be cool...I guess I wanted the glory. I immediately knew that was an evil thought though...because part of me was serious...and I knew that if I ever was to be apart of anything like that...even if it was just seeing it...I could wish for no glory for myself...and that meant being completely unselfish...or having Christi die. Now that is a completely foreign concept to me...something I have absolutely no experience doing. I quickly prayed in my head...as we were walking through the halls "Lord...show me how to die". That was it...I didn't dwell on it anymore. Later, in the service I heard someone on stage say "when God's people seek Him He doesn't just stand around". I thought...man...that's good...but I had no idea how quickly that would prove to be true in my own life.

We get home, the kids are down...and I start to pick up where I left off in Exodus. I read Exodus 14-17. That starts me off with the Israelites heading towards the Red Sea. The Lord just gets them out of Egypt...and they find themselves trapped by a big body of water...with all the armies of Egypt in hot pursuit. We know that God is with them because in the end of chapter 13, God tells us that He "went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light. 22 He did not take away the pillar of cloud by day or the pillar of fire by night from before the people." Still the people are afraid...they "cry out to God", and tell Moses that they would have been better off in Egypt as slaves. Moses tells the people "God will fight for you", and through God, Moses parts the Red Sea. The Israelites walk through on dry land, and all the armies of Egypt are killed as they try to walk through after them.

A short time later, in chapter 15, the Bible says "they went three days in the wilderness and found no water". They finally end up in this place called Marah...it has water...but it's bitter...so the people complain to Moses...Moses cries out to God...God shows him a tree, and tells him to cast it in the bitter water, and when he does the water is sweet...and drinkable. God lets them know that was a test (which they didn't pass), and He leads them to this place called Elim with 12 different wells, and 70 palm trees...in the MIDDLE OF THE DESERT...now THAT IS how God provides water. God is obvious...God is intentional...God is EXTRAVAGANT.

In 16 we see them complain about the lack of food, and we see that once again God gives them what they need. He feeds them, but He attaches some rules as to the collection of the food...as a test. They don't obey His rules...so they fail His test again...but He loves them...and He still provides. The Bible says He fed them, everyday, for 40 years, while they wandered the desert...until they reached Canaan. God is faithful even when we are not.

The Israelites continue on their journey, and camp at Rephidim. Again, their is no water. The people get irate, and in verse 2 they demand “Give us water, that we may drink.”. Moses rebukes them, and goes before God...and God tells Moses to take his rod and strike the rock (some foreshadowing) to get water. Moses does what God requires, and the Israelites get their drink.

As I come to the end, of the reading part, of my study, I begin to think about what all this has in common. I reflect on the fact that, every time they experience a real physical need, they cry out to God, and I begin to wonder if, maybe, God just wants us, instead of asking Him for what He knows we need, to just know that it will be taken care of...in His timing. I think He is telling me to trust...to just have faith. I write that down in the margin, and head off to do some last minute things before bed. As I am pulling stuff out of the dryer though, I am reminded of a verse in chapter 13..."So God led the people around by way of the wilderness of the Red Sea". God was pointing out that He took the Israelites the long way. He wanted time...to teach them to depend on Him. As I was talking to Kevin about the long way, and what significance that held for me, we began to discuss what God might be teaching them. God was THERE the whole time. In the cloud during the day, and in the fire at night. What was it they REALLY needed? Physically they needed food and water...but they NEEDED Him...and they had that...He had already given them that. He wanted them to realize that HE WAS ENOUGH for them. They had HIM. They had EVERYTHING.

Kevin pointed out that the Garden is the ultimate manifestation of God being enough. In Eden, when everything was perfect, when Heaven and Earth were one...when God's Kingdom reigned in heaven AND on earth...we wanted for NOTHING...we didn't even know how to want...we didn't know what want was. We didn't know we were naked...we didn't NEED clothes...we didn't care... because HE WAS THERE...HE WAS ENOUGH!! Then sin entered our world...heaven and earth were no longer one, and we knew want. We knew we wanted to hide because we were naked. We were separated from Him...He couldn't be there for us...He had to turn His back on us...He couldn't be our enough...without sacrifice He couldn't be enough. That is why our story is the ultimate love story...He payed the ultimate price so He could be our enough again. That is all He wants...to be ENOUGH. That is why He refers to Himself as I AM...He is everything...He is ENOUGH. That is what everything being made right is, it is us unremembering how to want.

The best news though, is that when we become His, here on earth, even while earth is still flawed, we can be restored...and we can pray God's Kingdom into being NOW...matter of fact we are supposed to...Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done ON EARTH as it is in heaven...the Lord's prayer...that is what it is, God's Kingdom is NOT just for us when we die...His Kingdom...His promises...they are for us NOW. We just have to pray it here...on earth...and we will never thirst again...because HE is our enough. Right here, on this flawed planet, we posses the ability to become so filled up with Him, that we die...that is what dying to self is...it is the realization that you don't need anything but Him...and now we come full circle...

I asked God to show me what dying to myself was all about...to show me how...and He did. I have grown up hearing "drink from the living water, and you will never be thirsty again", but it never made sense until now. Nothing else matters once you have Jesus. We don't need earthly water when we have living water; just like we don't need earthly things when we have the LIVING GOD. His burden IS easy, and His yolk IS light. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we, as Christians, could grasp His promise that He was truly enough for us? Teenage Christian girls wouldn't be too busy longing for teenage boys...and needlessly getting their hearts broken...because HE IS ENOUGH. Teenage Christian boys wouldn't lust after girls...and use them...because HE IS ENOUGH. Christian people wouldn't run after money...and things to numb their pain...because HE would be ENOUGH.

This could do wonders for missions...for the least of these. The problem wouldn't look so unsolvable. We could actually enter into their pain, we could take on their pain, because Jesus is enough for us...and we could show them that He could be enough for them too...even in their suffering. We could testify to Him being ENOUGH, because we would suffer right along with them...and they could see HIM being ENOUGH for us. We could give of all of our God given resources, and when we were tapped that would be o.k., because we would trust Him to be our ENOUGH...and we would trust him to provide for us...in HIS timing. GOD IS ENOUGH missions would look like Elim...12 wells and 70 palm trees (Ex 15:27) , in the desert that is Big Bend Swaziland, and we would eat manna from heaven EVERYDAY, because if we had faith like this no one would starve...and we would heal the people dying of aids, and we would raise the dead so they could tell others...and with this kind of faith we could reach all nations, and everything would be restored, and the end could come (Matt 24:14). We would ALL be reunited with God FOREVER.

Last Sunday I met Seth Barnes, president of Aim missions, He was speaking at a Baptist church in town. He said that to die happy you have to dream God's dreams...you have to dream the God sized dream that God gave to you. My God sized dream is for myself to be a GOD IS ENOUGH Christian, and to join more Christians like that, In Africa, and live that out and see REAL miracles...Kingdom building miracles...earth ending miracles...in Swaziland.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

He won't let me be...not today.

2:10 PM by Christi Bowman

I'm having a rough day today. I feel overwhelmed. I am not the same person I used to be...I am changing...being renewed. The new me, though, continues to live on, at least for a while, in the same space as the old me...and I am feeling claustrophobic. The things that used to be important just aren't anymore. I try to do some general house cleaning, and I find myself just wanting to give it all away. The more I exist in what I have, the more it sickens me. I want so badly to put the house on the market, and just walk away.
15 And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness,^[b] for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”
16 Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. 17 And he thought within himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?’ 18 So he said, ‘I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry.”’ 20 But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?’
21 “So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”
Yesterday I read Lisa Black's blog, about children in nothing but rags...they NEED a new set of clothes and 1 new pair of underwear. Children in another part of the world are living in deplorable conditions; and Americans, we concern ourselves with buying bigger houses because our stuff outgrows the smaller one. We live in excess, while others simply struggle to survive. Where is the justice?
Luke 16:25 But Abraham said, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented.
I fear what God is going to say to us as Americans...I believe that God is merciful, but we are going to have A LOT to answer for.
Luke 16:15b For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God.

We as Christians are called to depend on God.
Luke 14:33 So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple.
His way is the best way, and we fight against it, and we don't believe it...or we don't see how it can work...but He wants us to trust Him...for our own good. He tells us to walk away from our things because they take us farther from Him...and He is a jealous God. He knows that as long as we struggle for things that are highly esteemed among men we will be worn out...our struggle to fit in never ends.
Matthew 11: 28-30 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
He created us...He knows what we are created for...and he has told us what to do.
Luke 12:22-3422 Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. 23 Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? 25 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 26 If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? 29 “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. 30 For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things^[c] shall be added to you.32 “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I was reading Seth Barnes blog...and in an old post ,under the Spirit is on the move, I read about a pastor who actually raised a woman from the dead.

In 1998, the wife of the district secretary contracted AIDS and died. Pastor Rego takes God at His word, he tells the following story of praying for a coworker's dead wife in Always Enough. When asked how he can do something so radical, he says, “I open the Bible and do what it says.”

I WANT TO OPEN THE BIBLE AND DO WHAT IT SAYS!! It is telling me to walk away from my stuff...to sell my house...to take my children and show them what the Kingdom of God is all about.

On another friends blog (thanks Elysa) I got this thought provoking quote...and I leave you with it:

"It will not do to say that you have no special call to go... With these facts before you and with the command of the Lord Jesus to go and preach the gospel to every creature, you need rather to ascertain whether you have a special call to stay at home."

J. Hudson Taylor

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

Create in ME a Clean Heart

12:51 AM by Christi Bowman

Two songs have been running through my head, as I have been sorting out the person I want to be.

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the presence O Lord
And take not thou Holy Spirit from me
Restore on to me the joy of life's salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

and

Oh the fruit of the spirit's not an apple
Oh the fruit of the spirit's not an apple
if you want to be an apple you might as well hear it you cant be a fruit of the spirit
Cuz the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness , gentleness, faithfulness, and self control

I have been reading in Luke about fruit...I have always thought bearing good fruit meant how many people you led to Christ or something...bearing good fruit has always been rather ambiguous to me...something you could never know whether you did or not, and you would just find out if you did it when you got to heaven. In a discussion w/ Kevin though, in a moment of clarity, I got it...bearing good fruit is having the attributes of the fruit of the spirit.

I have a HUGE problem with anger, and I would give ANYTHING for it to go away. It is a CONSTANT struggle, and it ALWAYS has been. It is such a powerful force, and I don't even know where it comes from, and I HATE the way it makes me feel before God. I have shared some AMAZING moments of closeness with Him over the last few days...that I never dreamt were possible...for me, but I am still me...and I still have this AWFUL temper...and when I loose it He feels SO far away, and I get scared...because I feel alone...and the last thing I want to feel right now is alone...I have experienced too much of him, and I can feel it in my soul when I have moved...and I miss Him right away...and it only takes a second for it to happen...and I am embarrassed. Create in me a clean heart, is such a great song though, when I feel this way because it says EVERYTHING that I feel...and it states everything that I am afraid of...and it is already there for me, and I don't have to scramble for the words. God gave me that song...I think for reassurance...it helps me QUICKLY realign myself with Him.

I asked Him for help last night, with my temper, before I went to sleep, because I know that my kids, unfortunately, get the brunt of my anger. I don't deal with stress well. He did come through for me today, and every time I would face a stressful situation, the fruit of the spirit song would pop in my head, and this would help, because it would remind me of the person I so desperately want to be...and losing my temper isn't loving...it certainly doesn't bring any joy...I have not worked towards peace when I loose my temper, and I obviously have lost my patience. Losing my temper is not kind...nor is it good...or gentle. Losing my temper shows that I am not long suffering, and it displays my lack of self control...so losing my temper...and displaying my anger in a negative way, is the very antithesis of who I want to be. I really did good though...until tonight in the car.

It was AWFUL...we went into a store, but it didn't dawn on me to bring a stroller for the baby, but their were all sorts of breakable, and non breakable goodies for him to make a mess of or break...and Kevin was helping our oldest, so I had to control him all by myself...which is fine...but it makes him scream...and that unnerves me. By the time we were walking out of the store, I had had it, and gave him to Kevin to strap in his car seat because I could take no more screaming in my face...but that made him scream WORSE, and he kept screaming LOUDLY in the van as we drove to the next place...and then our middle child asked for something...and I snapped...and SHOUTED...as I could feel God trying to calm me down...but I ignored him...it was a split second decision, that happened SO fast...it helped NOTHING...and I felt like CRAP...and what was worse was having to listen to the worship album that was playing in the background...when now I felt like anything but. I was mad at myself and embarrassed...I felt like Peter...I took my eyes of him for a SECOND...and I drowned. Is it possible to keep your eyes on Him every second? Sometimes...even if I am not doing anything negative, but if I just haven't thought about Him, or on Him...I feel distant...is there a way to overcome that? Is that the praying without ceasing...I don't know.

It takes me a while to even come to Him...and when I do I am a little mad...at myself...and embarrassed...but I hear him tell me that I am not in this alone...and although comforting...I need something tangible...something I can hold on to...so I say...in my head...show me a verse tonight...in my bible study...give me a verse...and you know what...because He IS amazing, He did...He Gave me Genesis 28:15 Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.”

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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My GOD story

2:54 PM by Christi Bowman

Maybe it's because I have never felt worthy of love...I don't know...but I have never really felt the love of God until recently. I have always believed in God, but I have never had a relationship with Him until now.

I heard God talk to me for the first time, in October, at a weekend camp retreat. God sent us Benny. Benny was going to crash at our house the night before, and for a few days after the retreat. I had never met Benny, and I don't like to meet people. Since I have already confessed my trouble with alcohol, it won't surprise you, that I had made sure there was plenty there for me during his stay, and I had already had a few when he arrived. Benny was VERY non judgmental...he just went with it. I can be giddy and the life of the party, as long as the subjects are light, but something happened. God happened, and the ugly side of my drinking came out...in front of our house guest. I started sobbing...and saying what a horrible person I was, and that I wasn't worthy of God's love, my kids love, Kevin's love...anyone's love. Benny looked right at me and with all the power of God behind him said GOD LOVES YOU CHRISTI. I wasn't ready to deal with that then...but Benny spoke truth and life into me that night...and I that is why I was able to hear God that weekend.

God was unmistakable. In a very sad, loving, hopeful, but stern voice God said loud and clear "I can't use you like this". I froze...tears streamed down my face (lucky for me the speaker was dynamic...so nobody noticed). What was I supposed to do...yet I knew what I needed to do...I had a LONG road ahead of me...and I didn't know where to begin. I was a mess spiritually, and in a mess physically. I had such a huge sad hole in my spirit, and I had filled it with shopping, and exercise...shopping and alcohol...shopping and angry music...and more shopping. I was the most selfish person I knew...I was in a race against time to satisfy me, and I was insatiable...and angry...and sad. I couldn't buy enough to make me happy. I couldn't exercise enough. I couldn't even be angry enough...when all of these would fail me I would drink...and eventually the truth would come out...and I would be a sobbing mess of not good enoughs. Looking back God's message to me was one of hope...the fact that he couldn't use me like this made all the difference in the world...of course he couldn't use me LIKE THIS...but he wanted to use ME...and all of the sudden I had purpose.

I went to Kevin, and Kevin knew something had happened. There was a time of prayer...and he prayed over me...and for the moment that was it. Things happened after that, but at the time they happened they seemed little and inconsequential...but looking back, it was GOD speaking through people..and speaking through his word...TO ME...and becoming VERY real. A friend, at the retreat, saw my steady flow of tears (the MAGNITUDE would NOT leave me alone) and asked if I was okay. I told him I had A LOT of things to work on...and he said get a mentor...someone you trust to tell everything to...and tell them you need them to keep you accountable. I was like yeah yeah...that sounds like a good answer...but never gave it a second thought. A couple evenings later a friend asked me out for coffee...note that the friend asked ME...I wasn't looking for a mentor here...I had gone home from camp...and my life hadn't changed much...but God's words to me were constantly in the back of my mind. We sat down, and started shooting the breeze...and low and behold...without the help of alcohol, I was being real with my friend...and telling her everything...and she wasn't cowering at my ugliness (she already knew)...she was listening...she didn't think I was a freak because God had spoke to me...she was willing to help me...and she has over and over again.

The second HUGE God thing was Africa...WOW... I didn't even want to go. I was changing...but slowly...and sometimes I forgot that I was changing...and sometimes I was even mad. Kevin took the brunt of my anger here. Kevin is a WONDERFUL man of God, and he is truly the catalyst to ALL of this. I credit Benny for preparing my heart for that weekend, but it is Kevin that I watched for TWO years. I remember watching him, on purpose sometimes, and saying he's got it...he has what I want...He was and still is ALWAYS happy...he wants for nothing...he needs nothing...and he gets what relationship with God is and he has one. Kevin was leaps and bounds ahead of me, and I could feel that in my soul. We were no longer on the same page, and even though he loved me I knew he found me and what I was living for pathetic. He was nothing but good to me...he was nothing but there for me every time I needed him, but I was losing him...not physically, I can't explain it...but I was nonetheless. I tried to beg off Africa...he was having none of it...and deep down I was afraid to let him go by himself. I thought that if he did this alone, the gulf of understanding between us may get to big, and I may really never get him back...so for that reason I went...and I like adventure. Oh Africa...it was huge!! From the moment we hit the care points I was alive inside. I LOVED every tiring sad moment of it...and couldn't get enough...I was bummed every time we had to get back into he cars and leave those kids...those gogo's...they were all SO beautiful...they needed SO much love...and THAT...now THAT was something I could do.

Another HUGE God thing was once we got back. Since our trip I have been urged to read my Bible...but would flippantly say I wasn't ready...and think about something else. I even tried once to ask Kevin IF I was to start reading what book did he recommend I start with. He told me John, I think, but still no time. He was reading James to the girls one night...and I went back to the our room, and tried that, but still...NOTHING. The task seemed big, and I had tried before...and within a couple of days it always fizzled. I kinda thought reading the Bible was sort of cliche christianity...did we really even need to anymore...I thought to myself. Then the other night, the kids had been asking to go to promise land, and so we went to Willow Creek. I kid you NOT, the topic in big people church was how to read your Bible...I was flabbergasted...no way...you've got to be kidding me. I tried to tune him out actually...I don't know why...but he was actually good...and he gave out free journals...and I was going to try. Well, if you have read my first post you know what stemmed from that...the last 3 nights of Bible reading have been INCREDIBLE...it took until today though, to see the fruits of last nights reading. I am still a little cynical and leery of God speaking. It's almost to good to be true...and I am afraid I may be reading into things to get what I want to get...you know? Anyhow, last night I was reading in Genesis, at the part when Sarah was being told she was going to have a baby...you know...and she laughs...anyway God asks..."Is anything to hard for the Lord"? I immediately thought of Africa, and how I feel more than called to go back with my family, for a long period of time, but the issues are HUGE...how would we even start to go about that...THAT ALL seems hard...however I heard God say "Is anything to hard for me"? I said of course not, but moved on quickly b/c I couldn't be sure that that wasn't just me. Anyway, I just got a call from Kevin, and lets just say there has been a MIRACULOUS development. We are definitely on our way.

God is INCREDIBLE...that is all I can say. He IS Real...REALLY REAL...and He loves me, He Pursues me, and He wants a relationship with ME...and He is patient, and loving, and VERY forgiving...and He doesn't let go...and He keeps asking for more...but He waits until your ready, and when you get there, you wonder what took you so long, and you can't wait for the more He has in store...I feel an addiction coming on...but a good one this time...an addiction to God.

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Monday, March 3, 2008

The Bible IS alive

9:48 PM by Christi Bowman

So, the Bible is alive (Heb 4:12). What does that mean? I think I got a glimpse of this for the first time tonight. I think I might be starting to understand.

I have been led to read my Bible...and this was my second night. I started by following a reading plan because I had NO idea where to start. I was to read Gen. 3-5, and Luke 2, and then I was to journal about a verse that caught my eye. I read it through once this afternoon. I wasn't in a hurry then, and I was relaxed...but nothing "popped" out at me. "No big deal" I thought to myself. I had prepared myself for this; and I had decided that I wasn't going to "force" myself to find a verse just so I could write in my journal. I had accepted that I wasn't going to find a "gem" every time, and that that did not make me a bad person. That being said, I had some time to re read the same chapters tonight, and to my surprise...there it was...Gen 3:3. I was shocked...hadn't I just read that this afternoon? As I already stated, I was in NO hurry this afternoon...I wasn't rushing through...yet Gen 3:3 was silent this afternoon. Tonight though, it seemed like Gen 3:3 was SHOUTING at me. I say SHOUTING because I tried to ignore it. It was a blip in the verse that caught my eye. Gen 3:3 says:
but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’”

The little part that became my big problem was "nor shall you touch it".

I'm an alcoholic...there, I said it. It's actually a HUGE thing for me to say this. It's huge because YOU are reading this, and because I have a problem admitting it to myself. There are of course people who have pointed this out to me, and although I have made a FEW stupid decisions in the name of alcohol, I have NEVER hurt anyone...at least not physically...nor have I done anything REALLY bad. I like to drink though...and I can't drink socially. When I drink I drink to get drunk, and I like to be drunk around people because I like to hide behind my drunk self. People seem to like my drunk self, and more importantly I like my drunk self. A few of my stupid decisions landed me in the proverbial dog house with Kevin though, and he outlawed it completely for a month and a half. That decision was a HUGE step towards freedom for me. I like to use alcohol in social settings, but during the time it was outlawed I had to work through my people jitters on my own, instead of using alcohol...and I had to deal with why I used it to hide. I had to allow myself to actually FEEL my feelings, and work through them, and in allowing myself to actually feel that, I was also able to see other things that I was using to hide behind. (I'm a church girl, married to a high profile church guy...alcohol isn't always available to me). Alcohol, and the other things I used to hide myself behind (clothing and music) had stopped all spiritual growth for me...they had slowly crept in my life, one by one, and had made me a scared, selfish, and angry person that I didn't recognize anymore.

God has helped me get the music out of my life, and He has brought MANY wonderful things into my life to help me both understand and stop my clothing addiction. However alcohol has still been a hindrance to me. Although I know the power it holds over me, I have chosen a few times since to drink anyway. I wanted to prove to myself, and the world that I could beat this thing just by understanding it, and in that I wouldn't have to give it up completely...but not after my encounter with my Bible tonight.

I don't know why I didn't hear it this afternoon, but tonight, through the creation story in Genesis, God told me that it wasn't enough, for me, to not drink most of the time. I wasn't even to touch it or I would die. I don't know if that means spiritually or physically, but I don't want to mess with either. So tonight I promise God that I will never drink again...and that is why the Bible is alive today...because God can still tell ME...in GENESIS...TONIGHT...that his plan for me is to NEVER drink again...WOW...

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