Saturday, March 8, 2008

Create in ME a Clean Heart

12:51 AM by Christi Bowman

Two songs have been running through my head, as I have been sorting out the person I want to be.

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from the presence O Lord
And take not thou Holy Spirit from me
Restore on to me the joy of life's salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

and

Oh the fruit of the spirit's not an apple
Oh the fruit of the spirit's not an apple
if you want to be an apple you might as well hear it you cant be a fruit of the spirit
Cuz the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness , gentleness, faithfulness, and self control

I have been reading in Luke about fruit...I have always thought bearing good fruit meant how many people you led to Christ or something...bearing good fruit has always been rather ambiguous to me...something you could never know whether you did or not, and you would just find out if you did it when you got to heaven. In a discussion w/ Kevin though, in a moment of clarity, I got it...bearing good fruit is having the attributes of the fruit of the spirit.

I have a HUGE problem with anger, and I would give ANYTHING for it to go away. It is a CONSTANT struggle, and it ALWAYS has been. It is such a powerful force, and I don't even know where it comes from, and I HATE the way it makes me feel before God. I have shared some AMAZING moments of closeness with Him over the last few days...that I never dreamt were possible...for me, but I am still me...and I still have this AWFUL temper...and when I loose it He feels SO far away, and I get scared...because I feel alone...and the last thing I want to feel right now is alone...I have experienced too much of him, and I can feel it in my soul when I have moved...and I miss Him right away...and it only takes a second for it to happen...and I am embarrassed. Create in me a clean heart, is such a great song though, when I feel this way because it says EVERYTHING that I feel...and it states everything that I am afraid of...and it is already there for me, and I don't have to scramble for the words. God gave me that song...I think for reassurance...it helps me QUICKLY realign myself with Him.

I asked Him for help last night, with my temper, before I went to sleep, because I know that my kids, unfortunately, get the brunt of my anger. I don't deal with stress well. He did come through for me today, and every time I would face a stressful situation, the fruit of the spirit song would pop in my head, and this would help, because it would remind me of the person I so desperately want to be...and losing my temper isn't loving...it certainly doesn't bring any joy...I have not worked towards peace when I loose my temper, and I obviously have lost my patience. Losing my temper is not kind...nor is it good...or gentle. Losing my temper shows that I am not long suffering, and it displays my lack of self control...so losing my temper...and displaying my anger in a negative way, is the very antithesis of who I want to be. I really did good though...until tonight in the car.

It was AWFUL...we went into a store, but it didn't dawn on me to bring a stroller for the baby, but their were all sorts of breakable, and non breakable goodies for him to make a mess of or break...and Kevin was helping our oldest, so I had to control him all by myself...which is fine...but it makes him scream...and that unnerves me. By the time we were walking out of the store, I had had it, and gave him to Kevin to strap in his car seat because I could take no more screaming in my face...but that made him scream WORSE, and he kept screaming LOUDLY in the van as we drove to the next place...and then our middle child asked for something...and I snapped...and SHOUTED...as I could feel God trying to calm me down...but I ignored him...it was a split second decision, that happened SO fast...it helped NOTHING...and I felt like CRAP...and what was worse was having to listen to the worship album that was playing in the background...when now I felt like anything but. I was mad at myself and embarrassed...I felt like Peter...I took my eyes of him for a SECOND...and I drowned. Is it possible to keep your eyes on Him every second? Sometimes...even if I am not doing anything negative, but if I just haven't thought about Him, or on Him...I feel distant...is there a way to overcome that? Is that the praying without ceasing...I don't know.

It takes me a while to even come to Him...and when I do I am a little mad...at myself...and embarrassed...but I hear him tell me that I am not in this alone...and although comforting...I need something tangible...something I can hold on to...so I say...in my head...show me a verse tonight...in my bible study...give me a verse...and you know what...because He IS amazing, He did...He Gave me Genesis 28:15 Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.”

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