Friday, April 18, 2008

Strongholds Part Deux: Freedom From Anger = Forgiveness?

1:38 PM by Christi Bowman

I just want to praise Jesus over and over and over again!!!! I can't even begin to tell you the miracle He has performed in me since Tuesday night. I feel like I need to try and explain it the best I can, since I asked for your prayers.

People who don't struggle with anger are incredibly lucky, and they have no idea how crippling anger can be. I know first hand Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

I wouldn't want to scream. I wouldn't want to be so absorbed in what I was doing that I would get irritated at my kids. I wanted to want to help them, but no matter how I acted on the outside, I would seethe on the inside if they dared to ask me for most anything. I have tried SO hard to conquer this anger I struggle with. I have even prayed about it. Spewing mean angry words of frustration, felt good for the second, when I wanted to punish the irritants, but I always felt so inexplicably awful, almost as soon as the anger soaked words left my mouth. That is the GLARING flaw of Satan. He is NOT your friend...even when he has you where he wants you, even when your not a threat to him. When your not a threat, he treats you like garbage...like a slave. He gets you enslaved to bad behavior...to selfish behavior, and then he makes you hate yourself once you have participated in it. He hates you...no matter where you are in life. He hates you.

God, last Tuesday, really came through for me. He revealed to me through a Facebook conversation with a friend, that my anger was truly a heart problem. God told me a few things. Number one, He let me know that my anger was not going to be easily fixed by some outward behavior modifications, they only made me more resentful on the inside. I needed to admit that I was angry through and through, and not necessarily at my kids, they were just a convenient outlet. I needed to admit that this anger was a deep seated generational sin, and that it went much deeper than I even had the ability to comprehend. Number two, God brought my hatred of my Grandmother to mind, a HUGE participant in my family's generational sin of anger. I expressed a willingness to forgive her Tuesday night, and that has ALWAYS been unfathomable to me. I think that was a HUGE step in the right direction. Kevin has ALWAYS told me, that if I could ever be able to truly forgive my grandmother, he believed I would experience freedom from my anger. I could NEVER wrap my mind around that idea. What did forgiving a woman who never loved me, and seriously wronged me over and over have to do with anything? She didn't deserve forgiveness, and I have always, before Tuesday evening, wanted to hang on to my hatred of her. Thirdly, God told me I was going to have to lay my anger at His feet, EVERY TIME I felt it creeping up inside me...and He meant EVERY time. I told Him I would, but you have to understand that that meant I was going to have to come to Him ALL DAY LONG. Satan usually started in on me EARLY, and my anger would seriously start to build with Lane's first cry to get out of bed...especially if he woke up earlier than usual. He also told me I would even have to be MORE intentional about my "fake" outward behavior, and that when I started to feel resentful, that is when I needed to call on Him for a heart change.

I did these things. Tuesday night, I expressed a willingness to forgive my Grandmother, and Wed morning, when Lane started in on me, of course earlier than usual, I walked into his room, without making him cry for 30 min first (that was the being even more intentional about my outward behavior part). When I felt resentment towards Lane, I immediately cried out to God for deliverance, with a "you promised" attitude. And you know what...IT WORKED. I can promise you IT WORKED. After that my anger didn't have anything to build on, so it was easier to do things for Anna, because the resentment had not been allowed to establish itself for the day. I told Kevin, when he got home...that this day was MUCH easier for me than any other day with the kids had been. Now, the last couple of days have not been without flare ups, but I can only think of one, really, and that wasn't even aimed at the kids...it was a customer service rep. But even then, I can remember having to purposely choose to be angry. God told me that He could help me to not be angry in that instant, but I clearly told him..."NO, I deserve this one"...and I heard Him say "o.k."...and for about 30 minutes, I wreaked HAVOC in everyone's life. That has got to be the most beautiful thing about God, He does NOT force Himself on you. And I learned a lot from that 30 min. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what I allow myself to do in anger. The most amazing thing about this transformation, is, that when I let Him, God helps me EVERY WHERE I turn. And, I am getting so good at knowing His voice, in this. I can hear Him before I loose it, starting today. He says "you don't want to do this...it's not walking in the spirit (Gal 5 16-26)", and I am so thankful for that reminder. It has been a MAJOR breakthrough for me to not feel anger surge inside my heart and come tumbling out eventually.

The lesson I have learned from this is thatI don't just love Him, I have a SERIOUS need for Him on a second by second basis. I DESPERATELY need Him, and I have to INTENTIONALLY cling to Him. If I take my eyes of Him even for a second, I feel myself drowning in the ocean of anger. And the wonderful thing is, is that He just doesn't allow me to cling to Him, He wants me to. He really helps me, and He helps my heart be able to feel the things it truly wants to feel. I am NOT a slave to this anger any longer. It's indescribable to be free.

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