Monday, May 5, 2008

"You've Never Been On This Road Before"

9:45 PM by Christi Bowman

In my last post, I wrote that I was in a state of uncomfortable limbo. I know there is a long term calling on my life, and that of my family's, to live indefinitely in Africa. Right now, though, as my family waits on God's timing for Africa, there has arisen a calling, so to speak, right where I am at. I feel like I have become a pain magnet. Everywhere I go I find hurting people who need someone to confide in, and I become their confidant, and later their intercessor. When I find myself in this situation, I feel led by the Holy Spirit, to start talking about my recent "conversion". He wants me to tell people what He has done for me. I am not used to talking about God as if He is knowable in this life time, until now, I was sure He wasn't. I knew I believed in God, but we didn't have a relationship. We didn't talk, I didn't ask Him for His opinion. I didn't seek God out. I didn't understand how knowable He could be. Since God called me out in October, my opinions about Him have changed. God told me He couldn't use me like this, and He has been pushing, nudging, and talking to me ever since. I know it is God because when I listen to His voice, and I follow His lead...things happen. Amazing things happen.

It is scary to be God's fool. It doesn't look right to other people, and a lot of the time it is not comfortable. I continually second guess God when He prompts me to tell my story. "Really?" I say. "Here?" "Now?" It always amazes me how right He is. Everyone that I have shared with, has expressed a craving for God to become that real for them. My story doesn't fix anything for them. In fact, I find that it stirs up questions I can't answer. I'm uncomfortable when God leads me to a place with no answers. My head tells me to trust the Holy Spirit, but my heart wonders why He left me hanging. Many people ask me, how our support is coming a long...and right now there is not much to report. We are literally waiting on God to open doors. It is uncomfortable, and it goes against everything I have ever been taught. Dependence on God is scary, because you give up your control. My mind knows that God's timing is perfect, but reassuring my heart that He is still around, when His timing is not immediate is more difficult. I am finding it hard to surrender control indefinitely. I am finding it hard to trust Him all the time.

He always comes through for me though. After I posted, on Friday, about feeling uncomfortable, and being in limbo I opened my Bible, and read Joshua 3 verse 4

"When you see the Covenant-Chest of God, your God, carried by the Levitical priests, start moving. Follow it. Make sure you keep a proper distance between you and it, about half a mile be sure now to keep your distance! and you'll see clearly the route to take. You've never been on this road before."

I cried. I literally felt Him lovingly reassure me of His presence in all of this. He told me that He sees the big picture. He confirmed to me that He understood how daunting this was for me, by letting me know that He knew I had never been on this road before. He knows this walking by faith is new to me. He told my heart that the distance it feels, when it is left hanging by faith, is the proper distance to see clearly the route I am to take. I can't constantly be on a high, or emotionalism would cloud my judgment. He told me to keep following Him, but at times, to see more clearly, it would need to be at a distance.

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