Monday, June 23, 2008

God Went Looking For Me In Church.

3:23 PM by Christi Bowman

I am getting Baptized tonight at West Chicago COC.

I lived in a home with parents that professed Jesus as their Saviour. I grew up going to church every time the doors were open. I have NEVER questioned the existence of God, and I have always believed that Jesus died on the Cross for my sins, although, to be honest, I never understood what that meant until now. It seems like I have been chasing the meaning of salvation my whole life. Salvation is something I have always wanted to experience, and always wanted to understand but I have struggled. Salvation was expected of me, and at a young age I prayed the prayer. I loved God, and I knew that I was a sinner. I did not understand how the cross worked, how Jesus's death saved me, but I believed that it did.

Life has always been hard for me. Making right decisions has always been hard. I have felt for a long time that I was "born to be bad". No matter how much I believed in the existence of God or Jesus's death on the cross, sin still reigned in me. I couldn't shake it. I still desired to be bad more than I desired to be good. I felt bad about that. I fought that as best I could, and I made the decisions I knew I should most of the time, but it was hard to make the right decisions...right decision making did not come easy for me. I would always make little itty bitty wrong decisions, and they would always blow up into HUGE moral failures...I could not, on my own, remain in God. I was not aware that I was trying to remain in God on my own, I just thought the Christian walk was always a struggle...but since I have been reading the Bible I have seen where that is not the case.

The Christian life is one of freedom and joy not constant struggle and disappointment. I am NOT saying that life as a Christian is a joy ride or a walk in the park, but what I read of Christianity, is that even during times of struggle, people who are in Christ are joy filled. I didn't even live a life of hardship and I wasn't joy filled. I was NEVER joy filled, and the only time I did experience any type of joy was when I was participating in things that I shouldn't be participating in.

Then in October of 2007 God said to me...very audibly..."I can't use you like this", and my world was turned upside down. Since October of 2007 God has been doing absolutely amazing things in my life...changing me, renewing me, speaking to me. I have never been so in love with God. For the first time I can honestly say it is because of nothing I have done. I didn't come to Him. It wasn't because I grew up in a Christian home, it wasn't because I had faith handed to me on a silver platter. He came to me at the worst possible time in my life. I was the biggest Pharisee and hypocrite. I was addicted to pretty much everything. My life was a mess. I was literally helpless. I was at the end of my rope. My parents couldn't save me. My friends couldn't save me. My husband couldn't save me. My children couldn't save me. My church couldn't save me. Nothing worked for me. I couldn't even save myself. I was poor and pitiable and naked. At that most awful moment He came to me and whispered in my ear. I was out of options and that is when I heard God. He chose me a long time ago...but He knew it would be like this...when I had nothing left. Not when I was looking for Him, but when He found me. He went looking for me. I was the lost coin. I was the lost sheep.

John 6:44 You're not in charge here. The Father who sent me is in charge. He draws people to me, that's the only way you'll ever come.

Romans 11:32-36 In one way or another, God makes sure that we all experience what it means to be outside so that he can personally open the door and welcome us back in. Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.

Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?

Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.

3 comments - Permalink -