Monday, July 21, 2008

God's Plan (IV)

10:36 PM by Christi Bowman

Andrew Wommack exegetes Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" differently than anyone else I have ever heard. I have always heard it taught that it means don't go to bed angry. Andrew teaches that it is saying quite the opposite. He argues that in fact it is telling us to never stop being angry...never let the sun go down on your anger. The first part of the verse tells us to "be angry and sin not". Why would the second half of the verse tell us when not to be angry after it just told us to "be angry and sin not"? In context this verse is surrounded by verses like "speak the truth to your neighbor" and "give no opportunity to the devil". We are to be angry at sin all the time. We are to get mad when we realize satan is beating up on us, or when we see or hear about satan beating up on others. When we see it or hear about it we are to speak the truth, bring satan and his lies into the light, and expose satan for who he is. I ended last nights blog by saying "and then I got angry". After Larry had exposed the repression of my good traits I got angry. I got angry at satan. I got angry at sin.

One night, several months before the night I talked with Larry, God had miraculously led me to forgive my abuser. I was laying in bed wide awake while everyone else in the house was asleep. God came to me and made me aware of the fact that I could look up anyone, via Google, on the internet. He told me to type in the name of my abuser. I got out my laptop and began typing. My heart was beating fast as the search engine hummed along. I clicked on a name finder site that came up and there was his name in bold black print with the names of his family members right beside it. I clicked on his name and it gave me some information into his past and into the present. The past information helped me to put some puzzling information together. His wife was my daycare provider. I always wondered why he was there. The site I was on said he had been a fireman in San Diego, Ca. I know firemen work 48 hours on and 48 hours off. That information helped me understand why he was in the home on some of the days. The present information said He was the pastor of a church. I clicked on the link and there he was. I saw his picture. I looked at it stunned and numb for a good long time. Kevin finally woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told Kevin that was him. Kevin helped me close my laptop and put it away. As I lay in bed I told God I was tired. I was tired of the ugly images in my head. I was tired of the vague memories that haunted me. I was tired of being a victim. I asked God to help me forgive him and move on. The ugly images and scenarios that would randomly find their way into my head were gone just like that. I had fought them off daily ever since I can remember, up to that point, and now they never haunt me. Praise God for John 8:36 (MSG)

So when the Son sets you free you are free through and through

I had also come to a place of peace with my parents. I had, for a long time, blamed my parents for putting us in our caretakers home, and for daily taking us back even though my brother would come home with bruises all over him. I used to wonder why they never took me to see anyone when I would act out with overt unusual sexual behavior as a cry for help. I knew what measures I would take to protect my kids, especially after having my own children. I could not understand why they did not want to protect us. We would scream at the door for our mom not to leave us. We had to stop that though because we would get screamed at and hit as soon as the door would close with a strict warning that worse would happen if we continued. We tried to tell our parents as we got older, but my mom would immediately stop the conversation with a "no, they loved you." The inability of my mom to see, hear, and acknowledge the truth was always mind boggling to me, but it was something I couldn't fight. I always felt crazy. God's grace allowed me to see that there were no real standards in place yet to see unusual behavior as a cry for help. He helped me to remember how our caregivers would love on us at church so that my parents would think we were all right. Also, we grew up in a time where it was still acceptable, expected even, for other adults to spank your children. In light of all this I could see where my parents were able to not see the abuse. I was able to forgive them.

I knew deep down in my being that I had forgiven all parties involved. God had helped bring me to this place of forgiveness. I was angry because I was still suffering under this sin committed against me. Despite the forgiveness I still hated myself. I did not believe in myself. I could not see how anyone saw anything worth while in me as a human being. It was physically painful on the inside to hear nice things said about me. I brought my anger before God. I said what do I have to do to realize who I am in you? Where does this end? How can I be the person you say I am?

When I heard the answer I froze.

More tomorrow.

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