Sunday, July 20, 2008
God's Plan (Part II)
11:35 PM by Christi Bowman
Africa was a big step. I probably realize that more now than I did then. I did not want to go. The adventure part of it sounded fun, but I knew we were going for more than adventure. I didn't understand the purpose of the trip. It was Kevin's thing. Kevin had been invited. He was making sure I came along.
Getting to Africa had it's fair share of hang ups. We missed our connecting flight to Jo-burg, and had to spend MANY more hours than planned traveling and in airports. Once we landed in Jo-burg we found out our luggage was lost. Loosing luggage in an African airport is not the same as loosing it in the U.S. The airport employees handed us a picture of 7 different looking bags and told us to point to the bags that looked most similar to ours. They then took down our information with a PEN, only, and said "good luck". We had talked with a couple who were from Africa during our travels. When they found out we had lost our luggage they too said "good luck" and chuckled. We were disheartened. A day or two after we landed and arrived in the third world city of Manzini, in the third world country of Swaziland, we convinced the missionary who was taking us to the different care points to take us to the third world airport in Manzini. That experience was one of my most scary and surreal experiences to date.
All this to say that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in Africa to begin with. Getting to Africa was a nightmare. Once in Africa, we found out quickly just how unprotected we were. My safety net was ripped out from under me. Still, in light of all this, and despite how satan was trying to steal this moment from me, the second my feet touched a care point my life was dramatically altered. I can't explain it. I knew Kevin and I were done in the secular market. I didn't know what that looked like yet, but I knew, at that care point, I was about my Father's business. Making His business my life's work was the only way my life would ever have any meaning.
In Africa I held kids. I held damaged kids, broken kids, hurting kids...DYING kids and I cried. I cried a lot. I couldn't sleep at night. I would be driven out of my bed and to the hotel window. I felt like every second we were not at a care point was a waste of their time. I hated that hotel, and the fancy dinners. Why did I get a comfortable bed, good food to eat, and a cool air conditioned vehicle to travel in. It was only by the grace of God. That is the only answer I could come up with. I saw myself, but for the grace of God, in every face I encountered. I saw my brother, my mother, my friends. I had no right to hang on to my things, my lifestyle...they weren't mine. They were blessings so that I could bless others and all I did was bless myself and in so doing I was killing my soul.
In my last blog I said that after God stripped me of everything I relied on, to stop feeling pain, I started to feel again. Feeling emotion is rarely comfortable (at least for me). I am finding that, as I progress in relationship with my God it is getting easier and safer. It is getting easier to sort out my emotions, put a finger on what I am feeling, and come to Godly conclusions. Life, as a whole, both the simple and complex, are easier once we allow God to take over. I have never been so clear headed in my life. Allowing myself to feel; to feel pain, anxiety, and sadness saved my soul. Allowing myself to feel the sadness and desperation of Africa and not shut down and turn my back on its reality, with my cynicism, played a big part in the saving of my soul.
More tomorrow.
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