Sunday, July 27, 2008

God's plan (VIII). The Finale.

10:25 PM by Christi Bowman

I ended last night by saying that my parents and I were talking, finally talking about real life. We talked about stuff, painful stuff. We talked about awkwardness in relationships and why it was there to begin with. It was nice to be discussing relational issues healthily. It was nice to hear the painful things and not need anyone to blame. It was nice that no one was on the defensive. We no longer needed to defend something we never understood in the first place. Growing up I was always deathly afraid of spankings. I was always afraid of the whole process. I was afraid of waiting in the room for my dad to come in. I would always react very violently if he tried to come near me. Eventually he would laugh at the spectacle I was making of myself over a spanking and he would leave the room laughing at my torment. That hurt even worse. We were able to discuss that. It was nice admitting that I never felt close with my dad. It was nice understanding why.

My parents went through a lot of different emotions that evening. They were worried about me. I told them this was the end for me. This has taken me the ten years of my marriage, so far, to heal from. I told them that sharing this with them was the last leg of this journey of healing for me. I also told them that I realized that it was just the beginning for them. I told them that I thought long and hard before bringing this into the light. I told them that I had prayed over it extensively. They were concerned about me being able to forgive my abusers. I was able to tell them about looking his name up via Google. I told them they could do the same. They did. They knew he had gone to preaching school, but they had no idea he pastored a church or where. They told me that they were going to confront him.

I have to be honest...this scared me. I felt God telling me to hush. That was good advice. There has been other allegations of sexual abuse in my family. I have a cousin who has a step father. She came out several years ago saying that he had abused her. She had everyone on her side, except her immediate family...her mom, her half sisters, her great aunt (my aunt) and her great grandmother (my grandmother). They refused to believe her. Social services were on her side, and the police were heading to their house to pick him up...and he ran. He looked guilty, but at that moment she dropped the charges. She wouldn't fight him. He is still aloud at family functions. My parents refuse to attend them when he is there. My parents believe her, but they still wonder, with the legal system on her side, why she didn't pursue it. It has always put doubts in their mind. I knew that not allowing them to take this where they felt it needed to go would be like dropping a very heavy weight on them and telling them they could not remove it.

Some would say that this was a coincidence, but nothing about this has been a coincidence yet, so why should this be. My parents live in Nashville. All this took place in California. Lately, in a medium sized church in Nashville, they have bumped into some former members of the church they attended in California. Also they have recently reestablished contact with some of their best friends from that church because they have moved to another city in TN. My parents said they were going to start by contacting some of these people and finding out what they knew. I urged them to pray about the decisions they were making, and not to make any rash ones that they would regret. Later that night they told me they were going to get a lawyer who would guide them through defamation of character laws. The statute of limitations on what they did to us has has long since run out, but if this goes far enough he could loose his job and his reputation could be lost. My parents want to be responsible. Also, my mom has, through her work, access to private investigators. She is going to hire one to look into his past and into his present.

Again I have to admit that at times I am uncomfortable with this. But I keep hearing God tell me that vengeance is his to repay, and that it is for repentance. I know first hand how hurting people hurt others because they are in so much pain. I know they hate what they do, and it only further compounds there guilt and pain. I know that it is a vicious cycle that they have no idea how to stop. Knowing this helps me be able to forgive him too. I don't think he wanted to behave the way he did. I bet on his good days he sickened himself from the inside out. I believe that he wanted freedom from his demons, but when they came to haunt him he was powerless. I know what it feels like to be powerless over something that you know hurts other people. I know the freedom I received once my horrible sins were brought out into the light. God wants no less for him. Who am I, because of fear of confrontation, to stand in the way of his redemption. By the grace of God, and ONLY by the grace of God, do I stand in the wide open spaces of freedom. God speaks very negatively against someone who has been forgiven a huge debt, yet withholds forgiveness from others. I don't want to be that person. I have been rescued personally by God, and he has made everything right, even relationships with my family. I can't believe what he has done for me. I would rather be the instrument God uses to usher in that freedom for someone else rather than stand in the way...especially over fear.

Romans 8:15 (CEV) God's Spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father.

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