Thursday, August 28, 2008

lessons to be learned

10:55 PM by Christi Bowman

I know that I know that I know that Christ lives inside of me, and I know what that means. I get it...I understand it. I know that He is our ultimate example, and through Him we can walk in His footsteps and live His life. His death made that possible for us, and it is a beautiful thing. Our life should look like His, and we sell ourselves short when we expect anything different for ourselves than His life. His shoes are NOT unfillable!

We
CAN
do
this.

Why then when things get REALLY tough do I cave? I do it over and over again. I don't want people to quote Romans 7. I have read and reread that passage, and I don't think He was talking about the Christian walk there. In my opinion Paul was talking about life under the law. Living under the law created the tension of acting in ways that were not desirable. Romans 8 goes on to say:

"For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."

I want to live by the Spirit...I do. Romans 8 also says:

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;"

I have experienced the peace of God, and I can call upon it, and find it, but let me explain my life right now. We have a house on the market...a freshly painted house with all of the carpets cleaned (that needed to sell yesterday in order for me to keep my sanity). Our three very small children are living in it. Two of the children are school aged (one should be in pre-school three days a week, and the other should be in second grade). I say they "should" be in school because I have decided to home school (for a plethora of reasons). I have all three children in the house all day long. The third child is two. The freshly painted walls have become a magnet for all things frustrating. The two year old has taken to driving his cars all over them, and I see paint chip as I walk in the room and catch him. The four year old walked around the other day spraying air freshener ON the NEWLY painted walls. Because we homeschool crayons and pencils now have to be on the table. I cannot keep the two year old away. He is quicker than lightening and has made a hobby out of coloring on the walls when I turn my head for a second. I cannot possibly keep my eyes glued to him. I blink, and he exploits it. My insides go NUTS when I see my kids anywhere near the walls, and I am NOT that mom. I can't stand having to be this anal, and I have not and will not talk about the cleaned carpets in the bedrooms.

I know that I Corinthians 10:13 says: "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyon the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." I also know that compared to watching loved ones die of AIDS, and the lack of food and clean water make my temptations and tests seem petty, but my temper is taking a beating. I have heard God speak into my temper MANY times. He has stopped me and helped me to see the other persons side before I destroy them with my words. Where is that voice right now? My last blog explained this generally, and I had victory over it today, but tonight, I saw my husband do something that looked to me like a lack of caring towards all my hard work, and I lost it. Where was the voice? I will STOP immediately when I hear that voice. I know what it sounds like and I have done what I have heard it say, and I have seen tremendous good come from my obedience. Why can't I hear it now? I need it...I can't do this without Him. I feel like CRAP when I loose my temper. I feel SO defeated. I feel like I haven't changed. I feel like my husband thinks I haven't changed...and worse my kids. What do my kids think, after I have apologized to them this morning, and told them that God talked to mommy and mommy is going to do better. I don't want to be a part of religous abuse. I don't want to talk about God in a huge way and then dissapoint them. My parents threw God around all the time and I had a front row seat to all their failures.

What it all boils down to is this: I read Phillipians 4:5-7 to the girls today,

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I told them that I wanted my gentleness to be evident to all. I am a black and white person. I do NOT exist in grey. If Jesus lives inside of me and He is my ultimate example, than either my life needs to look exactly like His or I hang new curtains and go back to the comforts of alcohol (which is no comfort at all). Don't tell me I am being to hard on myself...that I need patience...these things take time. I don't have that kind of time. I need transformation power. Children, children the age of my own are alone.

It has become quite apparant to me that the last thing I "need" is for my house to sell. Matter of fact I now believe that my house absolutely will not sell until I learn how to be Philippians 4:5-7 while three beautiful children LIVE in it. When Christ moves in we die as the Jesus in us grows. I haven't died here yet. Christi needs to die right here. Therein lies a key to the Kingdom. Something needs to be differant. Something needs to change. I am not yet sure what that looks like. I know I can't fake it. I can't grit my teeth. I can't suck it up. Something inside of me must die...I must change. I cannot do this...He must do it in me....but we must dance. On the other side of this I will be different.

Pray
for
me.

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