Saturday, August 16, 2008

Seeing the Heart of God While Parenting.

3:31 PM by Christi Bowman

Our middle child is something else. She is a free spirit. She is as beautiful as she is wild. We are crazy about her. Today we went to Roselle's first farmers market of the year. We found a booth being run by one of the local Churches. They had all sorts of little play things from Guatemala. They were selling these to help fund their mission trip in November. Our children congregated around the table. There was a particular toy that held our middle child's interest. It was a music maker of some kind, and she figured out that she would have to blow on it to make it work. We did not notice the first time she put her mouth on it, but the ladies behind the table did not miss a beat. They quickly told her no. no. no. We immediately told her she was not aloud to blow on the toy again. She lost interest in it for a while and perused some of the other items. Nothing else tickled her fancy, and soon she was back to the noise maker. She fiddled with it for a while, and then she did what she normally does...she made a bad decision. Our middle child, delightful as she is, likes to think that the rules don't apply to her. She believes she exists somewhere above what people expect. She blew on the noise maker despite the previous two warnings. Her excuse, she wanted to see if it would work. We payed for our oldest child's toy and walked away from the table. Our middle child was screaming by this point, as she began to realize the consequence of her action.

Consequences. I have always hated them. I have, in the past, seen consequence as the enemy. I don't know if I will ever relish consequence, but as my rebellious spirit is being renewed I can see the need for them. I can see why we are asked to rejoice in the Lord no matter what comes our way, and I can see the good in being anxious for nothing. We need to be taught. We do. No matter how far we have come, no matter how good we think we are...we can always learn more. Learning, real learning, comes by experience...and experience brings consequence.

Our daughter was mad all the way home. She screamed, she cried, she asked why. She tried to plead her case. She begged us to change our mind. I have confessed, on other posts, that I have been a screamer, but I have had a hard time when it comes to punishment. Because of my own hatred of consequence, I have had a hard time sticking to consequences given to our children. I have rarely doled out consequences for actions, and when Kevin has, in the past, I have always begged him to reconsider. God has slowly been working on my parenting skills as He changes me. I used to deal with the kids out of anger. Sometimes I would take something away quickly, and out of guilt for the way I behaved, I would want to give it back after I had calmed down. Many times my decision to not enforce consequences was made solely to assuage my own guilt. I thought they would forgive more quickly or like me more if I made a nice recovery. I acknowledge the selfishness of my behavior. It was in fact all about me, and not at all about the people they would become.

Today was different. I knew that the consequence was fair. As a four year old, she might have forgotten that we had told her not to blow on the toy, but she needs to listen. She needs to remember. She needs to obey. I was sad that she was saddened by missing out on the toy, but I knew this was a life skill she needed to acquire. I found that I was more sad as I thought about what her adult life would look like if she were to never acquire respect for authority. I know personally what that is like. I know what it is like to be rebellious. I know what it is like to live a boundary less life. I know the heart ache that ensues. I have had to learn the hard way. My hope for her is that she can learn this lesson in a safe and loving environment over the loss of a few trinkets. I saw that sticking to this consequence today was an absolute necessity...something that I would do because I love her, and want her to become the person I know she can be.

When we got home I held her in my lap, and we counted until she was calm. I thought about all the consequences of life I have had to endure. I thought about all the times I was mad at God for them...REALLY REALLY mad. I was convinced that my life looked and felt the way it did because He did not love me. Because of my consequences, I thought His love was performance based. I thought that I was always being punished because I didn't fit the bill. As I sat and held my daughter, I was sad because she was sad, yet I knew with everything in me that this was exactly what she needed. I love my daughter more than there are words to describe my love for her. He loves me more than that.I understood that everything I have gone through was because He loved me. As I reflected on my past I knew I wanted so much better for her than that. I know what she will become if we don't help her work out this rebellious streak she possesses. My job is to protect her, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't teach her obedience and respect. Withholding that toy was the best decision I could have made, yet there was no way in the moment she would have believed that, and it hurt me to do it. I could have been selfish and ended that hurt. I could have looked out for myself and made sure she liked me in the moment...but what would that and more decisions like that do to her future? Thank God He is not selfish with us. Thank God that He is not worried about how we feel about Him in the moment. There were times I threatened to give up on Him because of His treatment of me. Thank God He believed in the person I could become. Thank God He didn't take His hand from me. Thank God He kept pursuing me even when it hurt.

Hebrews 12:4-11
In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through-all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?
My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline,
but don't be crushed by it either.
It's the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

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