Friday, October 10, 2008

Lies Uncovered.

8:59 AM by Christi Bowman

I faced my addictions head on yesterday for the first time after being healed and I remained sober. Because I chose sobriety, even in the really shallow ones, I saw how my addictions worked for me. I recognized their cyclical nature, and I believe that I understand a lot more about them now. They all worked as a team. I will write more on that later.

Because I chose to face my addictions sober yesterday I also had to deal with some of the lies I was told as I was growing up; lies that would help foster the thinking that would enslave me to my addictions much later on. When I crave my addictions I hear the lies grow louder and louder the longer I deny myself instant gratification. The particular one that played over and over yesterday was the lie that I was the pretty one and my brother was the smart one. I was told all the time, by both parents, (one thing they actually agreed on I guess) that my goal in life should be to find a successful man because I wasn't going to amount to anything on my own. It is funny how I can remember them chuckling as they would say that to me and I can recall, as I would sheepishly smile back, the painful realization that this was as good as love gets.

Now that I am an adult and not self medicating, I am very free to see the unhealthy thought patterns that developed into the pathetic view of self I carried around with me for so long. The lie that I was worth nothing more than how far my looks would carry me coupled with the burden of societal pressure to be beautiful was crippling especially under the secret weight of the sexual abuse which I had experienced. I could never be anymore than someone elses piece of a_ _. And for some reason I took that on and let it drive me. It became a sick obsession for me to be the prettiest, most well manicured girl in the room, and I hated any competition. When I found out how superficial and fickle acceptance by beauty was it made me obsess about it even more because I believed that was all I was ever entitled to and if I failed at it everyone would leave, my world would crumble, and I would find myself all alone.

It is funny how desperately we fight to never be alone, yet that is the very place God wants to bring us so that He can rescue us from the often times debilitating view of ourselves we carry around. He wants to give us freedom and we fight to stay enslaved. I fought for my own slavery for almost 20 years. I am not going back.

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