Thursday, October 9, 2008
Tired of Waiting
10:30 AM by Christi Bowman
Yesterday I was all about the journey, and today I am tired of it. It has only been a year (this weekend) since this all began; Just seven months free of addiction. I am already tired...what does that say about me?
I thought this weekend would be a time of revisiting where it all began. I thought I could reflect, enjoy some quiet time. I craved some alone time with the God who started it all in the place where He started it. It wasn't going to be what I wanted it to be so I slammed the door on it, and then blamed everyone else. Yes, I still posses a lot of ugliness...a lot of anger, and I am having to deal with that sober.
I am having a pity party. A lot of addiction thoughts running through my head. I would like to go running till my sports bra cuts deep into my skin, I want to starve myself. I want to spend a ton of money on clothes, get my nails done (fingers and toes), get a really expensive hair cut with high lights to boot, and come home and chug a bottle of something that burns and hurts like heck on the way down.
If that much ugliness came out last night than maybe I am not capable or worthy of being completely healed...I obviously can't live into it, I am not as changed as I would like to be...so why not indulge it and give myself over to it?
Today
I
am
tired
of
waiting.
Why not allow myself to feel all that hatred and anger towards myself and the people who let me down or who were going to (in my own head anyway). Why does anger feel so good?
Going back to my addiction would hurt everyone else in the same way that I hurt right now...it would ease my pain (if only for a day and a night) and it would punish everyone else, and the worst part is that I could justify all that hurt and rationalize it away. Then I would have the self fulfilling prophesy of I told you so hanging around my neck like a scarlet letter, and I could go back to self loathing. I could go back to what I know, to a painful sort of comfort. I am used to pain. I am used to self loathing. I am used to instant gratification, and living scared. I am used to disapproval and the justification for it. I am used to denial and self medicating.
What I am not used to is hurting and not being able to fix it myself. I am screaming for an emotional band aid. I am not used to relying on someone who doesn't work in my idea of the right time. I am not used to someone who loves me more than I love myself. I am not used to someone who allows me to go through this for my own good. I am not used to doing things this way, and at times it doesn't feel right. It goes against everything I feel like I deserve.
But what I deserve hurts me, and it hurts the people around me, and it hurts the people I want to bring healing to. God came into this world not to give me what I deserve but what He knows I need. He knows me far better than I know myself. And if I believe that, which I do, than that tells me I am on the right path even when it squeezes me to my breaking point...for when I am weak than I am strong...in Him.
1 comments
-
- 
