Saturday, December 20, 2008

Without Jesus, I Suck!!

8:28 AM by Christi Bowman

I started reading "Wrecked for the Ordinary" back in April. "Wrecked" is an online magazine, an e-zine. Its contributors have been wrecked, by Jesus, for the goings on around them...the ordinary.

One of the first articles I ever read on this e-zine was "Orphaned and Wearing Red" by Lorie Newman. She writes:

The longer I walk on this journey of faith with my Savior, the more I'm realizing just how dark my heart really is.

Over the past several years, even the "smallest of sins" that quite frankly I used to dismiss, seem to blink at my spirit like a fluorescent neon sign that sends immediate checks to the depths of my spirit. Secret sins that I used to tuck away without any remorse, I now have to bring to the light or they will eat me alive.

It's this process of spiritual transformation that is taking place in me... and it's an incredibly powerful change. I'm seeing with crystal clear vision that there is absolutely nothing good in me apart from Jesus... nothing. I've done so much in my life to disappoint my Savior. How many times have I, even as a Christian, given Jesus that "Judas kiss of betrayal" knowing what I was doing was wrong, and choosing the broad path anyway. I'll spare you the details of my past sins, and just say this. I should have been married in a red dress with a black stripe down the back. Can anyone relate?

When Lorie asked if her audience could relate I thought that I could, but looking back, I now know that I could not. Back in April I was still mentally dealing with the sin I could not dismiss; its fluorescent nature was to bright. In its wake I was blinded from feeling remorse for the sin that I could justify.

I am finding myself in that place today, and more often...and it is heart wrenching and painful. The sin that I have been able to justify is the "Judas kiss of betrayal." It is the sin that says I will follow you, Jesus, when I know I really won't. It is most assuredly my willing participation to "choose the broad path anyway."

And when I am lovingly rebuked by my beautiful Savior, as I was this morning by Philippians 2, I feel this sensation that I can only assume is like being punched in the gut. I want to vomit up the filth that I feel in my stomach. I want to hide my face. I want to say "But God I had my reasons!"

BUT I CAN'T!!!

I can't cleanse myself.

I don't get to justify myself.

That is not what He wants. That is not what He is asking from me.

He wants a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:7.)

And He has that!

I stand in agreement with David today in Psalm 51:4

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

And if anyone finds themselves relating with me I pray that you too will find the solace that I have found in Psalm 51.

Join with me in praying:

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ^[a] ;
you teach ^[b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are ^[c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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