Monday, December 29, 2008
I am Sorry...Please Forgive Me!
8:55 AM by Christi Bowman
A wonderful friend explained to me the cyclical concept of revelation, testing, and power. God reveals something, and then He tests you, once you past the test His power flows through you. The lives of Moses and Joseph are great examples of this idea.
My own life experience has shown me that these cycles can be both long and short. God has revealed to me that the way I treat my children is counter productive to their spiritual growth. He is now testing me in that, but I have not definitively past the test. Although He is changing me I have received little power in this area. This test is a long one.
However, I experienced a cycle this morning that lasted all of about one hour. God revealed to me how I judged a friend, and then He tested me by asking me to tell her where I had been wrong. It was hard and extremely humbling because I was still genuinely hurt, but I could see how wrong I had been so I apologized; and all of the sudden there was power, in abundance, to see just how deeply this attitude of judgment runs through me.
I looked up the Greek word for judge, and I got this:
kree'-no
Properly to distinguish, that is,
decide (mentally or judicially); by implication to try, condemn, punish: - avenge,
conclude, condemn, damn, decree,
determine, esteem, judge, go to (sue at the) law, ordain,
call in question, sentence to,
think.
I put in bold letters the acts of judging that I have a severe problem with. I thought that to judge someone meant that you were questioning their salvation or deeming them unworthy of heaven. You can imagine my surprise when I found that I could identify with some of these behaviors.
I
decide mentally why people do what they do. I draw a lot of my own
conclusions. I am even guilty of
determining before hand how someone will behave towards me before I actually give them the opportunity, and I
call into question their nonexistent behavior. I allow myself to
think in depth about how people have or how they will wrong me if I allow them the chance.
I am QUITE judgmental and I have been VERY unfair to the church!
I am sorry! Will you forgive me?
God has given me some insight into Himself that I am not sure all of Christendom will agree with. Another wise friend told me that God doesn't necessarily reveal the same thing to everybody; she told me that if He chooses to reveal a bit of His character to you that He hasn't revealed to others it is probably because it is very instrumental to your healing.
I like that.
The problem lies in the fact that I want to talk about this revelation of God's heart that He has given to me, but I am afraid that I will be dismissed, or worse...spoken harshly to or about. I am afraid that people will call me a heretic and I am afraid that that will shake my faith. I am afraid that people will tell me that God is not revealing His heart to me and that that is not His voice I hear. I am afraid people will tell me that those are evil spirits, without even giving me a chance to finish, and I am afraid of what that will do to my ability to hear God.
You see I was correct in my last blog when I admitted to elevating man to a god like status at one point in my life, and I do still put a lot of stock in what man says. I do not want to trust man or is thoughts over what God is telling me but if I invite man into my healing place I am afraid of what I will allow him to do to my relationship with God. Yet I feel compelled to talk about what God has revealed to me because I find it so wonderful and full of freedom.
So, rather that talk about it I
mentally decide that the church won't hear it. I
conclude that they will try and claim the authority over me that only God has. I
determine that if they do those things my relationship with God will suffer because I will be to afraid of what I hear in the future. I
call into question the motives of the church, and I allow myself to
think and dwell on what I am afraid they will do before they even do it. Without even realizing it I have judged the church and condemned her...PUBLICLY...and so I repent of that and ask for forgiveness PUBLICLY.
My fears are not invalid...the church has done all of these things to me before. They did them to me as a child and just months ago they did them to me again, but as another wise friend pointed out to me: when those people do those things they are not the church. To be honest THAT is what I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. They are the church because they believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God and that is the only criteria, however when they mess up and they hurt me and others they are not being the church and no one can guarantee that situations like I have experienced in the past will not happen again.
How do I rebuild trust?
I don't know, but I bet it starts with acknowledging that I am guilty of the very same things I condemn. I am especially sensitive to Romans 2:1-4 today:
1-2 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done. 3-4You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
I am afraid of how others will view me when they believe me to be wrong because I know how I view others when I conclude the same thing about them. In my heart of hearts, I know how easy it would be for me to come down on others publicly if I was in the majority and once again I shrink back in horror as I come face to face with my demons. I am a dark dark person with capabilities beyond anyone's wildest imaginations and I cringe because my darkness is in the spotlight now more than ever.
I am playing "Just As I Am" by Andrew Peterson over and over and over again today.
What's that on the ground?
It's what's left of my heart
Somebody named Jesus
Tore it to pieces
And planted the shards
And they're coming up green
They're coming in bloom
I can hardly believe
This is all coming true
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
All of my life
I've held on to this fear
Its thistles and vines
Ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared
It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine
(but He says that)
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
It's time now to harvest
What little that grew
This man they call Jesus
Who planted the seeds
Has come for the fruit
And the best that I've got
Isn't nearly enough
He's glad for the crop
But it's me that He loves
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me,
He loves me, He does
He loves me, He does
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