Friday, January 2, 2009

Healing, a Set Up, and Healing Renewed.

7:24 AM by Christi Bowman

I attended a retreat, during the month of October, in Georgia. What I experienced there was nothing short of amazing. On my last night Jesus answered my request for a worship experience with Him that was unencumbered by my perceived limitations and He healed me emotionally.

As I got up into a sitting position my husband was there and I told him that I did not know how to live free from my feelings of being wronged and my hatred for those who had wronged me. I told him that I did not know how to live apart from unforgiveness, guilt, shame, anger, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. All of this had been taken away from me in a miraculous way and I felt happier and lighter than I ever had and I was trying to communicate this.

We got back into our car and headed home and less than 48 hours later I was set up by the one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy.

God has put some wonderful friends into my life recently and one of them was telling me about the insight God had given her into one of the several encounters Peter had with Jesus. When Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive Jesus tells him seventy times seven. Peter knows that it will be impossible for him to forgive that many times in his own strength; it is in that moment that he asks Jesus for more grace.

As I was finishing up my last post I began to wonder if my feelings of resentment towards the church did not come from a place of unforgiveness. I tried to justify myself, but I just couldn't shake this idea. I went to God and told Him that I feared that I may have unforgiveness in my heart. I told Him that I had tried my hardest, and that I had done all that I could do but the truth was that a recent situation had reopened some very old wounds and I was once again finding myself in a place where I could not trust the Church He loves because of His people. My friend's insight was brought to mind and so I held out my hand and I prayed for more grace.

Nothing happened in the moment. I was not at all suddenly released from bitterness. I did not feel a renewed sense of love nor was my freedom from this immediately restored. As I am writing this I am reminded of what Aslan tells Lucy in "Prince Caspian,"

"Nothing ever happens the same way twice."

The next morning as I was on my way to Rhode Island God revealed to me the truth of what was going on...He revealed to me the set up.

Satan was very aware that I had no idea how it felt to live in freedom from the bondage of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness was what kept me strong, it was my defense mechanism. It disabled my perpetrators, while I was unable to get away, from penetrating my heart and hurting me a second time. Hardening my heart against those who hurt me was a lesson I had learned from early childhood...it kept me safe.

Once Jesus brought freedom from all those childhood hurts and released me from the bondage of unforgiveness satan made sure that as soon as I got home he would have a situation waiting for me in which people would hurt me in one of the very same ways I had been hurt as a young person.

That sort of pain was all to familiar and it was all to easy to react in a familiar way thus binding me again to a sense of being wronged, to anger, and to unforgiveness. It was so subtle. As Jesus revealed this set up to me I sat back in amazement. He poured His grace into me and I was completely able and willing to absolve all the people involved. It wasn't there fault. I don't wrestle against flesh blood but against the spiritual forces of evil.

As I was able to absolve the people from this set up Jesus gave me a glimpse into His own heart. This is how He is able to forgive all people from the hurts they commit against one another. He doesn't jump in and smite the people who are responsible for hurting others, nor does He always protect those who are being hurt because in this fallen world we are all responsible for hurting others and we have all been hurt. He is able to see the bigger picture. He is able to see how we are all just flesh and blood and He knows that we are not where His fight lies. His fight lies in the very thing He defeated 2000 years ago and because He defeated satan we too can defeat satan when we realize that satan is where the fight lies and he has been defeated.

Romans 15:3
but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me."

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