Thursday, January 8, 2009

Learning to Love a Rebuke.

3:52 PM by Christi Bowman

I am an introvert through and through. I am not a people person. This character trait of mine makes life especially hard when two out of my three young children are extreme extroverts.

My oldest daughter is always on even in her sleep. When she wakes up she needs no time to adjust to the world around her; she is immediately ready to engage anyone in a lengthy conversation about anything that happens to be on her mind. Although I love my little girl I despise this particular attribute. I wake up early most mornings just to enjoy some solitude before her two big beautiful blue eyes pop open and search for me.

One morning a few weeks ago I failed to get out of bed early. She woke up earlier than usual and bore holes into my head until I could no longer stand it. I opened my eyes and they immediately met hers. "It is to early for you to be awake" I snapped. "You need to roll over, shut your eyes, and go back to sleep"

As I lay there in the silence I had demanded from her I heard God whisper to me "It must suck to be so completely attached to a person that constantly pushes you away" (Yes, in case you are wondering, God does use the word "suck", among other words, and it always surprises me too.) My heart stung as if my face had been slapped. I found myself resentful, angry, and a bit embarrassed. Don't I have a right, as my child's parent, to demand more sleep from her? I laid there for a few seconds and begrudgingly decided to lift my seemingly heavy arm and put it around her pulling her close to me.

She never went back to sleep and as we lay there snuggling I realized that I had been rebuked by God. I was reminded how a wise person loves a rebuke and a foolish person hates one. I knew in that instant that I had been guilty of being a foolish person and that I have hated rebukes for far to long. That was not the first time that this still small voice has whispered into my ear and tugged at my heart nor was it the first time that it had made me angry and indignant. My defense mechanism is to rail against it with my rights until I drown it out. But I see now that that defense mechanism is a strong hold and satan uses it to turn my heart bitter and angry. Once I choke out that small voice I stay angry at it and whoever caused it to speak. How dare it challenge me; I know what I am doing.

It is funny to me that before this I would have never attributed this particular still small voice to God, but once I humbled myself and listened to it I knew very clearly that it was and I knew that I had been ignoring it for longer than I care to admit. Now that I know that it is the voice of God, that still does not make it any easier to listen to or obey. It is quite humbling to know that God disagrees with a decision I have made in the moment and harder still to correct it right then in front of everyone. But the most eye opening thing to me is that I CAN correct it. Proverbs 1:23 says "Turn at my rebuke; Surely I will pour out my spirit on you; I will make my words known to you. " I don't have to harden my heart to His voice and demand my rights. I am learning that that is what it means to love a rebuke. It is recognizing what a rebuke is and having the humility to stop and make a course correction right then. Hating a rebuke is fighting against it with a fierce determination to have my own way. Loving a rebuke is taking its advice and letting it change my decision in the moment.

The Lord was not making me painfully aware of the fact that I suck because there was nothing to be done about it; He didn't want my guilt, my shame, or my anger. He lovingly made me aware of this situation so that I could stop sucking in that moment. He loves me and He wants to heal me so He rebukes me. It is up to me to be a wise man or a foolish one.

0 comments - Permalink -