Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Learning How to Suffer.

4:30 PM by Christi Bowman

I was giving my middle child a bath and the youngest, who happens to be a big two and a half year old, was crawling all over me. He was trying to get to the bath water, but he had already taken his bath, and he was dressed in clean dry clothes. I was also keenly aware that his sister does not like him anywhere near her bath water, and rightfully so: He has been known to grab her toys and either throw them at her or douse her with water once he has them in his hands.

I was sitting on the edge of the bath tub in a semi uncomfortable position, turned a little at the waste, to shampoo my four year old daughter's hair. I was doing my best to hold back the two year old with my knees because my hands were pre-occupied with hair and shampoo bubbles; all the while, in between shrieks of terror, in my ear, meant as a warning for her brother, she placed her wet hands on my dry clothes because she found seeing her hand prints to be fascinating.

I felt like I was going insane. Every single nerve in my body was on edge. My flesh was screaming for respite. Everything inside of me was demanding that I abruptly and rudely shove the two year old off of me while harshly telling everyone in the room to stop what they were doing and just leave me alone. I have reacted similarly in the past and although acting in such a way gets my flesh what it desires in the moment, I have found that what my flesh wants does not necessarily guarantee my happiness; in this instance I scare my children and have to deal with the rotten consequences of bad parenting decisions.

Today, as my flesh was convincing me that it could not handle one more second of what it had deemed to be sheer torture, I heard a whisper in my spirit: "He was made perfect THROUGH suffering." I purposed in my heart at that moment to identify myself with Christ and not react in the way that my flesh was desperately tempting me to. I continued to let the two year old crawl on me and I was even able to kiss him a little bit and tell him that I loved him. I continued to bathe the four year old as she shrieked and placed her hands all over my dry clothes. My flesh never failed to remind me the whole time of the excruciating pain it believed itself to be in.

Later I was reading in Hebrews; and when I came to chapter two I was thrilled to read verse 18 and I was delighted to find out that Jesus knows exactly what I am up against:

"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Jesus' flesh had a hard time with His choices too, likewise He also had to force it into subjection just like I do, and it writhed in pain as well.

Finally the bath was done. We drained the water, the two year old moved on to other things, and the four year old climbed out of the tub. As I dried my four year old off, put lotion on her, and got her dressed I realized what my reward was for not giving into my flesh; it was unbroken communication with Jesus. Once everyone had scurried away and I found myself alone for a few seconds we picked up where we left off , Jesus and I, and there was nothing in between us. I liked that.

I John 3:21-22 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him.

This business of learning how to suffer is difficult. I am very much aware that all I have ever done, when it has been in my power to do so, is gratify my flesh. I have also raged when my flesh has suffered and I have found myself powerless to give it what it wants. I never have, before this time, chosen to enter into the suffering of my flesh purposefully. This idea has never been presented as an option to me either in the Sunday school room nor the Bible class arena; as the very culture I live in finds this idea preposterous.

Maybe suffering is what Jesus meant when He said "not as the world giveth, give I unto you" (John 14:27;) and "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you" (John 14:26.)

I have always been hooked by my flesh. I have always acted on how it told me I felt, I have always sought to alleviate its pain whether emotional or physical. I have always sought its happiness...its comfort. This is the first time I have been convinced and radically changed by the fact that I am right smack dab in the middle of a very real war and satan uses my own body against me so that as I seek its rights, even in the most "innocent"of ways, I feel more and more alienated from my God.

"It's cold in Kansas City.
And You can no more hear me
than I can see Your face;
and how I wish it was just You and me.
We wouldn't have to talk above the crowd;
we wouldn't have to talk so loud."

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