Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It Still Lies

3:27 PM by Christi Bowman

It has been a long time since I have been able to carve out a significant amount of time long enough to sit and listen to a favorite teacher of mine, Andrew Wommack. There are a few things Mr. Wommack talks about that I must tuck away until I am ready to deal with them. One of those things I took out and tested the other night and I would like to piece together my experience.

Andrew Wommack was talking about believing in the complete healing power of the Holy Spirit when he chose to make an example of the alcoholic. He warned against continuing to call oneself an alcoholic as that was to presume that their were still active issues and that God had not been faithful to completely heal.

This concept resonated with me as I do feel I was miraculously healed from the disease they call alcoholism. I know what it is like to white knuckle sobriety and want with every fiber in my being to take a drink fully aware of the consequences if I did. I suffered through that with the occasional relapse from December of 07 to March of 08, and I acknowledge that many people never conquer this phase.

In March God led me to a verse, which led to my first blog post, which led to an outright confession and what I believe to be a miraculous healing of my body. I ceased craving any alcohol and I was content with my decision to quit drinking completely. I discussed this rarity with an AIM counselor as he was helping me work through some issues via the phone. He gave me a glimmer of hope that this could be completely over when he stated that as people deal with the deep seated issues that caused alcoholism to flare up it is not uncommon for the cravings to disappear completely.

That conversation took place in June of 08 and I probably heard Mr Wommack make an example out of the alcoholic in either late fall or early winter. Despite this information I chose to remain sober although my resolve was loosening. I did not envision participating in the binge drinking of my past; instead I fancied the relaxing properties of a nice glass of wine in the evening with my husband. I began placing the idea in my husband's head but he was not the fan of it I was. He had not talked with the counselor nor did he care about what Andrew Wommack had to say. His resolve was as firm as ever, but true to who he is he never forced sobriety upon me. When I would not relent he would offer to go and buy me the wine of my choosing but he was adamant that I would be drinking alone. I did not want to drink alone and so March of 09 came and went and I found myself completely sober, only by the grace of God, for a whole year.

As time went on I became more persistent about the glass of wine and at times my persistence would bother me as I had to ask myself why, if I did not have a problem, did I care so much about one glass of wine? Truth be told I was curious as to what it would be like to share a nice glass of wine with my husband without the pressing urge to drown all of my anger and pain in the whole bottle.

There are no words to describe the wonderful patience of my husband. Maybe he sensed that there could be some healing in one glass of wine or at the very least some insight, but no matter what he thought, he chose to lay his apprehensions aside and share in a glass of wine. As I raised the glass to my lips I was surprised at the feeling of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I acknowledged that fourteen months was quite an accomplishment and I wasn't sure that I wanted to break this long string of sobriety. I decided that I had never been to an AA meeting to deal with my own alcoholism and so I wasn't in it for the chips. I didn't want my long string of sobriety to become my god. I wanted to decide once and for all if wine was something that I could enjoy responsibly and with restraint. I am not opposed to the occasional drink with friends where other people are concerned nor have I ever been. I now stand opposed to using alcohol to the extent that it causes drunkenness, but that was not what I was after and I knew that from the bottom of my heart.

With the first sip down and the long stint broken my husband and I began to ease into our respective glasses of wine. We began to talk as if we did this sort of thing all the time and there had never been a problem. However, as I neared the bottom of my glass the old feelings returned and tears began to roll down my cheeks. When God told me that I was to quit drinking He used Genesis 3:3, and for the first time, as I write this, I understand that it was no accident that He compared my alcohol addiction to the fruit that hung from the tree of good and evil.

I was surprised to find that evening that when I drink instead of dulling the ache inside of me it actually awakens me to it. I was not aware of this when I stopped drinking because I was entrenched in it, but after removing myself from it for a year I was more able to put a finger on what I was experiencing than I ever could have before.

Every day I carry around with me on a subconscious level a huge burden of pain and all though I know its source, because of repression, there are some things that I will never know. God has been faithful and allows me to live out my life with very little knowledge of the emotional pain that lies deep within my psyche as long as I remain sober. I know that many psychologists seek to bring into the open that which their patients have repressed but I believe that repression can also be God's band aid and some things are not meant to be remembered. Satan can only do what God allows him to do and for some reason, even while drinking, satan has never been allowed to bring to remembrance that which God has allowed me to repress, however, that does not mean that satan cannot use the euphoric feeling of even one glass of wine to bring to my conscience the large amount of pain that I exist in.

I was surprised to find that once again in this semi euphoric state (I must be a cheap date) all I could think about was my last sip, although I was in a large amount of pain I found myself wanting to go deeper and the only way I could do that was to have more alcohol. I was once again believing that only in this state can I fully know and be fully known. There is probably some truth to that and that is why alcohol will be to me forever alluring, but not all things that are knowable are supposed to be known...at least not yet...and so although I am completely healed I have found that I will need to continue to stay away because it still lies.

Labels: alcoholism, emotional pain, healing, relapse

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