Unlearning

5:07 PM by Christi Bowman

This business of unlearning old behavior patterns is not easy and at times it even happens to be downright painful! God is not conventional nor does He use conventional methods. There is a lot of blind trusting with plenty of squirming on the side. Handling relationships in a new fashion can only be likened to closing my eyes and jumping off of a cliff instead of choosing to stay on familiar, solid, and predictable ground.

After taking the plunge I no longer have anything tangible for support and that is uncomfortable; yet I still jump because it is the only way I can bring myself to obey Him. I need to obey Him for He has the words of life and I trust Him because He is nothing but good. Despite the knowledge I have that He is good I still kick and scream.

Throughout the process of unlearning I remind Him that I have a tried and true way of doing things and although it is not perfect it is safe. He tells me that He is not safe nor is He interested in the safety nets that I have built for myself. He is teaching me a new way and He promises to be patient with the kicking and screaming as long as I continue to follow Him.

As an adult I have had my first encounter with meanness purely for the sake of meanness. It has probably taken me this long to have such an experience because I have gotten so damn good at protecting myself. A year ago I would never have had the emotional fortitude to let this situation get anywhere near as far as it did.

As I began to navigate this strange emotionally vulnerable terrain I have to admit that doing this God's way was not easy. Instead of getting to remain a proud rock and a stoic island I got hurt, and my pain was on display for others to see; and it was not pretty. Being that vulnerable in front of others was awkward for me, but by not reverting back to old behavior patterns I unlocked a crucial part of my heart that was taken away from me and held captive by my enemy a long long time ago.

My heart has been softened and I now know that I possess the ability to love and show grace and neither of those have to be dependent on how the recipient of my love and grace has treated me. That part of my heart could only be restored to me through the hands on experience of pain and rejection while refusing to act as though I was still living by my flesh. I am not saying that I did this flawlessly; I still have much to learn. Still, I listened to His leading and I did what He asked of me even as my flesh was repulsed by my obedience; I believe that made all the difference.

When operating in the flesh I like to wound when I have been wounded because it feels good to be the administrator of justice. I administer justice by shutting down and pulling away at the slightest assault to my feelings. I deny anyone who has wounded me a chance at reconciliation. At the onset of hurt the relationship ceases to exist and the person is dead to me.

For months I have been tempted with this old way of getting even; I have been dying to protect myself. When I would begin thinking this way and making decisions based on withdrawal I would be convicted by Luke 6:31-36 and led to pray about the intent behind my actions and more often than not I was told that I could not go ahead with my plans. Without permission to carry out my own justice I had to be a bit more available than I wanted to be and a lot more vulnerable. When I wanted to withdraw I had to show up and when I wanted to reject I had to accept.

After weeks of intentionally being present and accepting of people I received the final blow. I was withdrawn from and rejected, lied about...slandered. I was dumbfounded! I wondered how this could have happened. I was angry. I do not allow this to happen; the rug never gets pulled out from under me. I am so very careful with my heart.

I found myself telling God over and over again that being this vulnerable was to hard to bear. I made Him aware that I could have nipped this in the bud and bypassed all of this pain months ago with my pride in tact. While I was licking my wounds and allowing satan to remind me of why people were not worth my time I finally said the words that exposed everything: "If You had let me handle this in my own way it never would have happened," but it was at that moment that I realized what all of this relational pain had been about: My tried and true way was holding me prisoner, as being able to only love conditionally is not being able to love at all.

I pictured Jesus standing there with a gentle knowing smile and a twinkle in His eye; He was proud of me! His arm was outstretched and in His hand there was a key; He was handing that key to me. I immediately understood that that key was the key to my own cell and as I accepted it I must admit the moment was bittersweet. I stood before Him ashamed as I confessed my inability to trust Him completely while in the eye of the storm. In moments like this He has the ability to soften me so completely; I am utterly transparent before Him. I am reminded, in that state, that I do not possess the means on my own by which to do anything good and even with Him by my side I am a miserable wretch who rails against the very hand that heals me.

He lovingly said "maybe next time" and as my heart softened I was no longer hurt or angry. With surprise I found that the emotions that took their place were a mixed bag. I was thankful that God never gave up on me despite the kicking and screaming, and I was happy that I was free; I felt so very loved and rescued. Still, I was sad for my friend who once again cycled through her bondage so that I could be free from mine.

Tonight I got a glimpse of how Jesus could freely pray "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" For eternal purposes I do not pretend to understand there are people that God uses to do wrong so that others might be led to victory. He asks us to pray for those who do us harm and not to curse them. We are to do that I believe because by putting our lives in His hand He can bring about good for us as we suffer at the hand of the bondage of others. I am beginning to see it as the ultimate act of narcissism to wish more suffering on those who have been unkind; they must already be suffering a great deal to be able to inflict so much pain onto others. Pray for your enemies so that they may gain the same freedom that their pain has unwittingly brought to you.

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