Friday, May 29, 2009

Being

11:05 AM by Christi Bowman

A year and a half ago God revealed Himself to me in the middle of my addictive mess. He said: "I did not create you for this"

Today, as I was listening to "China" by Tori Amos I was reflecting on the fact that although the song is meant to be a love song, it is still very indicative of how I feel about the relationship I have with my mother.

As I sat looking out the window bathing my soul in beautiful lyrics I mourned a relationship that I thought I had, lost, and have been trying to get back for years. A tear slid down my cheek, and at that moment Jesus whispered into my ear: "This is what you were created for."

I picked up my book "The Wounded Heart" and began reading. God's perfectly timed affirmation and confirmation blew me away.

"Paul was willing to be poured out like a drink offering, to fight the good fight, and to finish the race, because he knew his hunger for the Lord's appearing would be rewarded with the prize of the Lord's commendation. To be greeted by the Lord with the prize of His "well done" embrace was a reward that supplanted the ordinary concerns for comfort.

The person who desires to deal with the wounds of past abuse will not feel courageous, nor will there be the immediate exaltation of starting out on a new journey; the bonds of the soul will not be quickly freed or broken. What, then, is the reason for moving toward the goal of God's embrace? Again the answer is a hunger for more. God has made us with a natural desire to be as He is: alive, righteous, pure, passionate, loving. To honor what God has called us to be is the reason a man or woman chooses the path of change."

I am changing my extended family's dynamic. I don't feel courageous, and immediate exaltation is definitely absent. My parents are not healthy, but when God placed me in my mother's womb He knew this day would come. He loves my parents much more than I do and He wants them healed. He has chosen to live out His courage in me as I stand against what is unhealthy for all of us. But I must cling to Him in order to to have the strength to carry out His will.

The path of least resistance for me is to run back and allow my mother to act like nothing ever happened until a time when it suites her to throw my behavior back in my face. We (my family) have all been in this place before, but we have never been any farther that this. The unknown is scary. I am facing an uphill battle as I trudge ahead into unfamiliar territory. Today my mantra will be: "Perfect love drives out fear"

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
~ I John 4:18 ~"

Labels: abuse, revelation

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