Friday, May 1, 2009

"Every Damn Day...Just Do It"

1:28 AM by Christi Bowman

"my comfort would prefer for me to be numb. And
avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become"

I have dabbled in the discipline of fasting, and there have been times when I have completed a fast and there have been times when I have not. Because God is a God of grace I have learned from both.

When I fail to complete a fast I learn that food is not the only thing I need. I am hungry and weak and miserable while I abstain from nutrients and yet once I give in to my flesh I find that the joy obtained from eating is fleeting. Instead I have robbed myself from a deeper and more meaningful experience. The food which I believed to be the only thing needed now becomes the bane of my existence as I am awakened to the fact that my body is not the only part of me that suffers; my spirit does as well and when I am feeding one the other goes without.

I have learned something quite different when I have been disciplined enough, with the help of Christ, to finish a fast. I recently finished a work week fast during Holy week and when I ate my first meal it was not what I thought it would be. I had stopped feeling the severe hunger pains of the first few days, but I was still hungry every now and then. Instead of soothing my stomach like sustenance usually does, it turned it sour and I was in a small amount of discomfort for quite a while. There were more long lasting effects as well: For a week and maybe a little more I was content with much less and for even longer than that I was easily able to maintain a pretty raw diet.

As I find myself coming up on the one month anniversary of my first five day fast I find myself longing to do it again. I don't like the food cravings that have once again returned to haunt me. I don't like desiring more food than what I need. I don't like fighting myself off. I am anxious to return to the week after my fast when it was easy, but I am not anxious for the week of fasting because that was hard.

I see this fasting scenario as a metaphor for my life.

These days I find that there is a part of me, no matter what I choose, that is always at odds with the decisions I make. If I choose to act out in rage when I am angry then my flesh gets fed, but my spirit goes hungry. If I choose to suffer my spirit is fed but my flesh starves. When I remain disciplined in any area of my life I see spiritual fruit, but my flesh rages against the discipline; at times I am worn down by constantly fighting my flesh and when I choose to give into it, I once again find that choosing to feed my flesh over my spirit brings no real joy. The real joy is in the denial of myself and the fleeting pleasure that I do derive from giving in only serves to mock me and so I find it to be no pleasure at all, only humiliation. Still, in the moment before my flesh wins out I can never seem to recall the misery of past experience. My flesh is a strong and cunning enemy.

Today I had to stare down the foreboding darkness of depression. It was coming for me and I could feel it with every bone in my body. Everything was slipping away. I could find no pleasure in anything and it was all I could do to stay awake. I have been on a pretty strict juicing diet for two weeks now and have also been making some pretty intentional flesh denying decisions. We are pursuing communal living and making intentional decisions towards that goal. As of yet our house has not sold. It is hard on my flesh to learn to live sustainably and simplistically without the support of an intentional community.

I asked God why I was feeling this way and I pleaded for His help. His reassuring answer was that my flesh was fighting dying to self. That made sense to me and I can always fight something better when I understand it. Dying is not something that our bodies relish; even Jesus did not die the instant He was hung on the cross...His body fought to live and so He hung there suffering for hours. My body is going to fight having Jesus formed in it with everything its got because it instinctively knows that Jesus' life is death for it. I now know that much like the first few days of a fast when I refuse to give in to my flesh it will threaten me with shutting down however I also know that with continual denial the threats stop and life goes on. Tinges of fleshly discomfort will no doubt persist but just like the Nike t-shirt in the store front window my motto will be:

"Every Damn Day...Just Do It!"

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