Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Freedom From Guilt?

12:06 PM by Christi Bowman

I am reading a book, "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan B. Allender. On page 13 Dr Allender states: "One of the central messages of most books on abuse, this one included, is freedom from the guilt of the past abuse." I excitedly underlined "freedom from the guilt of the past abuse" because I was hopeful, but then I read "What occurred is not your fault.", and I was crestfallen.

I do suffer from guilt, but, unlike most, maybe, I understand that the abuse was not my fault. I don't need anyone to comfort me in that way. I struggle with the continuation of the cycle. I struggle not with anger towards my abuser, but with anger towards people in general and my children specifically. I struggle a bit with OCD. I also struggle with depression when my OCD is unmanagable because I have small children running around. I struggle with control, and personal space. When people, besides my children, disturb the order of things I choose to not be around them which, I will admit, is very limiting, but, my kids, I cannot choose to avoid.

When my children disturb the order of things I find that sometimes I can control myself but at other times I just can't. I do things that I don't agree with and that, my reading friends, is what I want freedom from...and no, I don't just want freedom from the guilt of the things that I do...I want freedom from the things I do.

Please pray for me; I covet your prayers. I am being proactive. A friend of mine told me that people don't change until they find that they are in to much pain to continue on in the way they always have. I did not quite believe her because I was very aware that my anger has always caused me great pain and I have always believed the pain of it to be unbearable, but I could never change no matter how bad the hurt or how hard I tried.

That all changed on a Wednesday night two weeks ago (05/13/09.) I couldn't sleep. I was journaling about this most recent healing season I have entered, and a memory of past abuse grabbed me and yanked me back to my past. I woke my husband at 2 a.m. desperate not to be alone. I told him I was tired, tired of holding it all together by a single, bare thread. I was tired of not knowing when I was going to have a bad day. I was tired of desperately trying to behave myself when a bad day was upon me, and I was most tired of failing and doing and saying things that I regret to those I love most in this world. One of my biggest fears is that my little ones whom I love will in some way become like me and this cycle will continue for generations to come. I want to be the cycle breaker!

There have been days when I have not wanted to get out of bed, but I have done it anyway for the sake of the children. There are days when I wanted medication to ease the insanity and take the edge off, but I had none. There were days when I wanted to tear apart the house with my bare hands but I chose to yell and belittle instead. I felt as though I was my own worst enemy because I looked like I was doing just fine, but I wasn't. On Wed night I told my husband that I was tired of behaving, but that I didn't know how to stop. I didn't know how to just let go and so I wanted to die. Wednesday night was the first night I have ever been suicidal and I was in indescribable pain.

On Thursday we took the kids to their paternal grandparents house and we started looking for places to help me get well. On Saturday we settled for inpatient treatment at Linden Oaks hospital and I checked myself in. I was there for five days and they were well spent. Life on the outside was like finger nails on a chalk board everything around me was overstimulating to the point of absolute craziness.

Those five days taught me a lot about myself. On Thursday I was discharged to an outpatient program and aloud to return home in the evenings. After I have completed the outpatient program I will continue to see a therapist. I was able to see my three beautiful children over the holiday weekend in St Louis and I was overjoyed to spend some time with them. They will remain with their paternal grandparents for about two more weeks as I continue to stabilize.

I want freedom from abuse...both past and present.

Labels: abuse, anger, Depression, freedom, suicide

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