Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm OK!

10:19 PM by Christi Bowman

God is so good and although at times He hurts us to heal us I am finding that He both affirms and confirms each step of the way.

On the day I first called my mother, God confirmed what I was feeling in a publication I read every morning:

"I grew up with mixed feelings of love for my parents. They both were generous and helpful at times, but bad things from others happened to me while I was under their watch. I was shaped by things beyond my control, and my love for them became a mixture of emotions - it was an inconvenient love filled with an unconscious resentment."
~ Lowell Martin - "Under The Morning Star"

I have read Mr. Martin's publication every morning now for the last 5 months and this was the first time that Mr. Martin had hinted at past abuse.

Tonight, as the relationship I had with my parents comes to a close I read this quote in "The Wounded Heart Workbook:"

"The process of change is rarely easy; the decisions at important forks in the road are not quickly clear" ~ Dr Allender ~ pg. 7

I am having a hard time not responding to my dad's email but I know it is the best decision. I do feel as though I am at a fork in the road; do I call, sweep my feelings under the rug once more, and beg for their mercy or do I cut my losses and go forward without them? The answer is in the following quote:

"The tragedy of abuse is manifold, but one singular tragedy is that abuse victims so often find themselves repeating patterns and reentering relationships where they are violated in ways that replay dimensions of the past abuse"~ Dr Allender "The Wounded Heart" pg 26

If I choose to respond to my dad's email in a way that causes me to sweep my feelings under the rug and beg for their mercy I am once again not living in the freedom that God is offering; instead I am repeating patterns of being invalidated every single time I expose my heart.

"The fruit of healing, freedom, and aliveness is not always happiness. Biblical change actually opens a new realm of service and worship that, at times, puts one at odds with relationships that were founded on our willingness to be sick, enslaved, or dead.
~ Dr Allender ~ "The Wounded Heart Workbook" pg 8

"One woman described the process of dealing with her abuse as a cure that at times seemed worse than the disease...'I am finding reality is more of a nightmare than it was when I lived in the deluded, distorted fog of self hatred.'"
~ Dr. Allender ~ " The Wounded Heart Workbook" pg. 7

Recently, I have found myself at odds in certain relationships; and since I have started this journey reality really does, at times, seem like more of a nightmare...

I feel as though God is saying it is OK to feel this way...it is normal...although I feel as if I am being driven crazy...I am not crazy.

Thank you sweet Jesus for being in this with me!!

Labels: affirmation, confirmation, Jesus

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