Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Healthy Behavior.

3:27 PM by Christi Bowman

A few weeks ago I was having a private conversation with my husband in our room after he had come home from his work day. We were once more talking about what I have been going through. The good, responsible, kind, and considerate mom part of me did not want the kids to hear any of what was being talked about, so I did not want them hanging out in the hall way or interrupting. There was also a selfish side of me that just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out of my own head and so wanted to be heard without interruption.

Our first born was having none of it. I heard her footsteps in the hall way and so geared myself up to be very firm with her as she entered our room. She started to talk, and mid word I rudely interrupted her and asked her to go elsewhere until we were done, and not interrupt again. She kept opening her mouth to speak and I kept cutting her off until God silenced me. Finally I let her finish and after that she walked out of the room; she did not interrupt again.

As I watched her disappear I was amazed at the insight I had received.

I see my first born as a little version of me. I do not see my middle child or my baby in such a way. Because I see my first born in this way, just watching her can trigger all sorts of childhood memories. As my minds eye watched her continue to interrupt as I continued to cut her off God was showing me that she was healthy. If I were to do that sort of thing to my parents, my dad especially would have eventually gotten up and yelled in my face all sorts of threats and possibly lifted his hand at me until I coward and slithered away.

Although I was rude to her and continued to shut her down every single time she tried to get a word out, God allowed me to realize that she did not fear us and in that respect she and I have a much more healthy relationship than my parents and I ever did. I was relieved, and as she walked away I began telling my husband about my insight. I admitted that I did not know what healthy child behavior looked like because I never was a healthy child. In light of that insight I could admit that sometimes I find myself squashing the healthy out of my children because healthy child like behavior at best makes me uncomfortable and at worst down right scares me.

"At best, awareness of the motivation behind behavior reveals the web of our fallen desire and creates a desperate need for God's intervention to rescue us from such a dark maze.

Insight alone does not provide the impetus to change destructive behavior; it only creates a context for more fervent repentance. At its worst, and understanding of motivation may lead to fascinating intrigue, self absorptive introspection, and focus away from issues of sin, salvation, and sanctification. The solution of course, resides in the heart of the explorer. The person who plaintively cries out from her core, "Lord, see if there be any secret, harmful way in me," will eventually be blessed with a picture of her sin and God's nurturing provision of grace. The one who explores human motivation out of an ultimate desire to explain away the horror of sin or the profound need for a Savior will pleasantly ruminate about motivation without conviction or change."
~ Dr. Allender "The Wounded Heart" pg. 78

Labels: abuse, awareness, healthy behavior

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