Monday, June 1, 2009

Rejection

12:09 PM by Christi Bowman

One of my favorite books is "The Shack." The author, (William P. Young) describes the Christian God as being "especially fond" of everyone, even those people that Christians themselves find distasteful and worthy of exclusion; people such as rappers with questionable lyrics, abusers, and murderers.

Since reading "The Shack", I have made "God being especially fond of everyone" my mantra as I seek to bring into reality what I believe to be true in my heart of hearts. I have found myself quite upset with my parents over the last three weeks and reminding myself that God is especially fond of them has kept me centered on love and not on bitterness.

In "The Wounded Heart,"Dr. Allender says:

"If we have acknowledged God as the One, and the only One, who has the power to determine our acceptability, then we will feel only grief, not shame over loss or disappointment."

Last night even as I viewed my broken parents as people who God is especially fond of I allowed myself to grieve their present rejection and the older rejection of theirs and others that I have had to face my entire life.

I have a long list of people who have rejected me in the past:

• My day care providers rejected me as a person of worth.
• My parents threatened rejection when I told them I did not like them.
• My parents once again threatened rejection if I did not stop acting out my abuse on others.
• My peers rejected me quite often as I was awkward from being the victim of abuse.
• My dad rejected me as a girl.
• My mom rejected me as fat when she put me on numerous diets as a child.
• My dad rejected me as overweight when his nickname for me was "tubby tina"
• My dad rejected my developing body as he said "ew" to every development
• My step maternal Grandmother rejected me when I was overweight...her comments when she saw me once a year were unbearable.
• My Paternal Grandmother rejected me just because of who I was
• My paternal aunt rejected me by calling me a brat every time she saw me.
• My parents flat out rejected me when I began seeking solace in "questionable" friends and illegal substances because of all the pain above.
• Boys rejected me after I gave them what they wanted (I had to pretend that casual sex was what I wanted or risk rejection.)

After all this rejection I met my husband and quit the illegal substances, but I continued to use alcohol to hide who I really was because whenever I had exposed myself for who I really was in the past I was always met with rejection.

After giving up alcohol and other addictions that helped to hide the real me I found that sobriety was a nightmare because I began having to face rejection all over again.

• I was rejected by several people at the institutional church we used to attend.
• I felt rejected, whether perceived or real, from a person at AIM who I had tremendous respect for.
• I was rejected by a couple from our house church.
• And I am once again being rejected by my parents as I show them who I really am.

There is only so much rejection that a person can face sober. It is hard to maintain your identity in the face of all this rejection. As I grieved all of this rejection I asked my husband why he had not rejected me. I told him he is the only one, besides God, who has loved me for who I really am and I have only known that God loves me for who I am because of how my husband has loved me.

When my mother in law and my husband were at odds with each other never a few days would go by when my mother in law would not call...and this went on for months. I pointed out to my husband that at any point he could have called his mother and explained why he was hurt and she would listen...and vice versa. They were confused, hurt and at times mad with one another, but their relationship was never at stake.

I am not worth that to my parents and that is a pain I bear alone as not even my husband can understand what that is like. I may be worth a condemning email here and there, but I am not worth anything more than that to them...I am easily discarded when I refuse to tow the party line.

As I went for my run today I prayed for direction. God advised me to do a word search on rejection and the verse that spoke to me is found in Luke 6:

"Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man."

My parents can condemn, shame, and use God's word as a weapon till the day they die and that will not convince me that Jesus has not brought me to this place. They hate me, and they reject and exclude me because of the Son of Man and I don't have to answer for it anymore...they have to answer to my Father for their actions.

As I reflect on "The Shack" one of my favorite chapters is the one where God gives the main character a glimpse of heaven. He sees many people from a far off...but one person is unable to contain himself and we know this because colorful arcs of light are bouncing off of only him. As the main character gets closer the man who cannot contain himself runs to the main character and they embrace. The man who could not contain himself was the main character's father, and his father had abused him unmercilessly when he was just a boy. The main character had run away and his father had died and their was never any restitution or resolution while his father remained alive...but in heaven their was resolution and the restoration of relationship.

One day, in the reconciliation of all things, we will all know and we will all be known. I long for that day. I long for the day that things are on earth as they are in heaven...and for now the only thing that keeps me going, even as I grieve...is that God is especially fond of everyone...even those that have rejected me, those that are rejecting me, and those that will reject me.

"Because of the way God has made us, it is impossible finally and completely to deaden the soul. The soul will resurrect, in spite of the cruelty used to destroy it. It will pop up and then be slain again, return and be shoved down through contempt. The power to destroy the soul is NOT in the hands of satan, another human being, or even oneself."
~ Dr. Dan B. Allender ~ 'The Wounded Heart' pg 111

Labels: abuse, rejection

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