Thursday, June 11, 2009

'The Wounded Heart': A book review of sorts

12:40 PM by Christi Bowman

I just finished 'The Wounded Heart,' a book with sexual abuse as its subject matter; it was very sensitively written by Dr. Dan B. Allender. 'The Wounded Heart' was not easy to read; at times I found myself sickened to the point of literal nausea as I found in its pages, my story, written with disturbing eloquence. Even with its difficult content, I highly recommend it to those who have suffered abuse, of any type, in their lifetime; I would also recommend it to those who do not have abuse in their past, but would like to better understand those people who do.

These are a few of my highlights:

"In most cases, sexual abuse is not an event that occurs out of the blue...by someone who lurks in the bushes. Only eleven percent of all sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger. The vast majority of sexual abuse occur in relationship with a family member (29%) or with a known non family member (60%)." pg 86

"Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of their own homes. The most obvious reason is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal. Chances are, however, that the two factors that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim's. The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does. Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched. A second factor is a respect of one's being that permits opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family.

The role distortion tears away a child's childhood and replaces it with adult burdens that are too heavy to lift, but must be carried if the child is to enjoy any benefits of life or love in the dysfunctional home. The forsaking of childhood begins the long process of giving up the soul in order to taste a few crumbs of life.

The role confusion is further complicated by repeated violations of the child's boundaries and individual rights. Boundaries are appropriate lines that rightfully separate one's inner and outer world from the domain of others. They provide a sense of uniqueness and independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who others are." (pg 87 & 88)

"A person who has been abused will likely have grave difficulty comprehending the boundary issues that many of us take for granted. The right to decide within limits what we wear to work or school, where we worship, or whether we have the freedom to say no to a request are issues that are often confusing for those who have not been allowed to form and experiment with their own boundary choices.

Other boundary violations occur when a parent tells a child that her feelings are wrong, crazy, or nonexistent...The denial or rejection of emotions or thoughts violate the privacy and sanctity of a child's inner world. A child likely will question the validity of her perception, making the cost of trusting her intuition exorbitantly high.

So far the home of the victim has produced relational hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings. The atmosphere is also demanding, conservative, and rule bound. The highest family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the family from attack and shame. The hook is often put deep into the child's psyche: "No one will love you but me. If you tell anyone what goes on in this home, I will die, or you will lose all opportunity to find love. You won't be believed. People will hate you, doubt you, and blame you for hurting your parents." Seldom are the words spoken so clearly. The unstated rule is assumed and infused into the family psyche like flouride in the public water system.

The scene is set for abuse. The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child. The two key words are empty and dependent." (pg 88 & 89)

"A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.

In all three forms of nonoffending betrayal the parent(s) chose the route of personal comfort or self-protection over the parental privilege and responsibility of providing a safe environment for their child. The damage may vary due to the type and intensity of betrayal, but in all cases the damage will be profound." pg 124

Both of my parents admit to knowing that something was not right. While I was asking my mom about some of the memories I was having she stated that she knew I was not fond of the home where daycare was provided but it was her opinion that I just did not like discipline. Much more recently my dad also acknowledged his awareness that my abuser was indeed an abusive person but he said that the abuser was to well known in our church community and my dad did not want to risk his reputation by "rocking the boat." My parents definitely chose the route of personal comfort and self protection.

"When a victim of sexual abuse feels powerless, she will see herself as weak and incompetent. When she feels betrayed, her core image will reflect these questions: "Why did the abuser treat me so badly? Why was I not loved and protected?"

Many men and women have wept angry tears over the fact that their parents spent more time washing the car, tending the garden, or perfecting a golf swing than facing and dealing with their wounded heart." (pg 130)

For my mom it was her job she cared for more than my wounded heart, and for my dad it was sports, mostly via the television, and sci fi.

"The experience of being used and discarded provokes images of being undesirable and ugly...It should come as no surprise, then, that someone who has been sexually abused will develop strong contempt and obsessive self-consciousness about his or her body." (pg 130)

"The normal work of the Holy Spirit produces crippled warriors who are used because of their brokenness, weakness, and powerlessness, and not because their struggle-free existence draws good press and large crowds

God's path is paradoxical. We are drawn to Christ because we want life, and life more abundant. He gives us life that leads to abundance via brokenness, poverty, persecution, and death. The life he invites us to lead causes us to lose ourselves so that we can find ourselves, to lose our life so that we can have life. The servants He often uses are young, ill-equipped, and unwilling. The path He takes His servants on in unexpected, perilous, and often unchosen. The scriptures promise ultimate health and wealth, but the path to such enjoyment is not what most of us envision or naturally choose. Paul was left with his "thorn in the flesh,"his path included untold suffering, poverty, and trial, and his earthly life ended with his execution as a sacrifice poured out for our sake. The specifics of Paul's life may not be ours, but the path of weakness and foolishness is the same, if we want to live out the call of Christ." (pg 147)

The battle continues. The growing man or woman will continue to drink deeply from the cup of honesty, repentance, and bold love. Each cycle in the process will strengthen conviction, weaken contempt, and dependent he hunger for more God.

Some days the taste of life will be bitter. Other days it will be sweeter than any honey and more intoxicating than any wine. Drinking from the water that wells up to eternal life will satisfy more deeply than words can express. The few rich tastes of God-given joy are worth the long, hard work of dealing with memories, rage, lonliness, and fear. In so doing we wmulate Paul as a drink-offering, poured out for the sake of our friends, family, and strangers, as we eagerly await Christ's return and the crown of righteousness well worth the battle fought and endured." (pg 230 & 231)

Labels: abuse, healing

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